While You Were Posting Flyers Looking To Get Your SexyBack

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SIZZLER: Lance Leaves Closet, Shocks World

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lance_bass2.jpgAfter years of living the lie of fierce heterosexuality in order to maintain his macho boy band image, former ‘NSync ladies man Lance Bass dropped a bombshell on everything we know about masculinity by revealing to People Magazine that he is actually gay. While we admire his courage and hope he is now able to live a happier life, many of us are still feeling a combination of shock, confusion and disillusionment. I mean, who’s next – Clay Aiken?

…OF THE DAY

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  • TOTALLY “PUNK” MOVE: Killers frontman Brandon Flowers is sorry for saying all those mean things about Fall Out Boy and Panic! At the Disco while feuding with them over whose generic brand of indie rock is most legit. (AOL Music News)
  • GOOD NEWS FOR FEZ: The New York Post says that we’re in the “Golden Age of the Insult”, which means that MTV’s Yo Momma host Wilmer Valderrama might still squeeze out a few more years of fame before he has to make his inevitable dying-career desperation sex tape. (NY Post)
  • RUNAWAY GROOM: It seems that George Michael’s fiancee Kenny Goss is having second thoughts about having and holding a husband whose idea of “parks and recreation” is pleasuring flabby middle-aged men in the woods. (A Socialite’s Life)
  • SEAN CONNERY TRIBUTE: Ken Jennings, the record-setting contestant Jeopardy! made so rich and famous, wrote a letter offering some sarcastic advice for ways to improve the show to which he owes his livelihood. Suck on that, Trebek! (TMZ)
  • HEADLINE DOUBLE-TAKE: Janet Jackson is rumored to be marrying boyfriend Jermaine. No, not THAT Jermaine! Then again, you never really know with this family. (The Bosh)

A Few Good MySpace Friends

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iwantyourwaste.JPGIf you’re on MySpace, chances are you get a lot friend requests from people you don’t actually know. Crappy bands, wannabe Maxim models and Dane Cook are always trying to sucker you into supporting their pitiful careers by adding your profile to their pointless collection of so-called “fans”. Well the latest desperate friend-seeker trying to cash in on this trend is none other than the US Marine Corp! Apparently frustrated with the waning success of traditional recruiting methods such as hanging around outside of high schools in poorer areas and showing those ridiculous TV commercials that make the military look like an episode of Alias, the Marines have taken their efforts online. If you approve them, maybe you’ll get verbally abusive comments from Full Metal Jacket-esque drill sergeants, fun bulletin surveys that look suspiciously like psychological examinations, and constant event invitations to this “awesome beach party” they’re throwing over in sunny Iraq. Hey, military recruiters – thanks for the add (and trip to Baghdad)!

SIZZLER: In Today’s Probably Untrue Break-Up News…

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janiston.jpgEvery day, magazines and blogs wax ho-etic about celebrity break-ups. Who’s together, who’s apart, who’s cheating, who’s so coked out of their brains they don’t even know what year it is. Here are today’s top 3 celebrity break-up rumors:

1. Jennifer Aniston Dumps Vince Vaughn. Likelihood? Nil. Aniston needs a big hunk-o-man to cry on, and Vaughn fits the bill perfectly. While the chemistry between these two is highly questionable, comedically and romantically, we’re convinced that another break-up in the public eye would drive normally nicotine-addled Aniston to murderously-sadistic levels of madness.

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LISTEN UP: BWE’s Daily Dose of the Best Music Ever

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  • You can head over to Mainstream Isn’t So Bad… Is It? to download five different versions of the song “Wild Thing.” But it doesn’t matter how many times you play it; Charlie Sheen does not appear.
  • Stereogum knows that reading about George Michael’s latest sex scandal puts you in the mood for some Wham! Naturally.
  • Everybody’s going to the Pitchfork Festival but me. Fabulist is going, which is why they posted tracks by the Silver Jews, Man Man, Art Brut and a bunch of other Pitchfork bands. Lucky.
  • Hey, want to hear a couple of 20-year-old songs by The Offspring? If the answer is yes, click over to Killed By Death Records.
  • And finally Rock Insider posted an “It’s F**king Hot As Balls Summer Mixtape” with tracks by M. Ward, Ratatat and more. Who wouldn’t want a mixtape with a title like that?

ICYMI: Timberlake As You’ve Never Seen Him Before

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While Justin Timberlake‘s video for Sexyback premiered on TRL today (and will be on MTV again tonight at 11 p.m.), the empty cavity I’m feeling in the pit of my soul tells me that my Justin fix has still not been satisfied. That’s when I discovered this video of Tiny Timb taken in 1991, when my darling was only 10 years old. Check out his little pants and tie combo! Ayyy pobrecito!

Happy Days Are Here Again!

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FONZ.jpgWell, look who’s too good to appear as Captain Hook on stage: David Hasselhoff! The vazline-chested hunk of yesteryear won’t be able to appear due to some TV conflicts (word has it he’s trying to get his own show, Travels With The Hoff. . . we’re not kidding!) So producers decided to cast the only C-list actor with the moxy and know-how to fill Hasselhoffs canoe-shoes: Henry Winkler, aka “The Fonz”. And at first, we were pretty jazzed!

Then we wondered: What must it be like to be Henry Winkler? What goes through the guy’s head, when you’re brought in as Hasselhoff’s replacement? So, using a team of underpaid analysts, we compiled a timeline of a typical day in the life of an American Hero…

A Day In The Life Of The Fonz

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It’s July 25th; What’s up?

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dirty jobs.jpgTuesday night TV has it all. Regular reality shows like The Real World and Big Brother? Check. Competitive reality shows like Rock Star: Supernova and The One? Of course. Stupid reality shows like Fear Factor and Queer Eye? Oh, you know it.

That’s not even close to all. With Rescue Me, Work Out, Last Comic Standing, Dirty Jobs and My Super Sweet 16 on tonight, you might need to go out and pick up a second TIVO asap. So what are YOU watching tonight? Vote now.