Don’t be fooled by Court TV‘s 40-foot-high brow: Every now and again they feature the type of physical comedy not seen since the heyday of Perfect Strangers. Take this high-larious clip from their Most Shocking Videos series, for instance. A drunk man tries to break into a liquor store by climbing through a ceiling duct. He makes it into the store, but not before bottle after bottle of Merlot drops directly onto his head. Too drunk to realize he’s bleeding from the skull, he nabs a shopping cart to do some light shopping. We won’t give away the end, but let’s just say that it’s the kind of stunt Casino Royale can only dream of, and it’s in slow motion for your afternoon-viewing pleasure. Those with a low pain threshold might want to avoid this altogether, and those with a high laugh threshold can thank us with a smile.
Today the big news in the world is that Emmitt Smith beat out Mario Lopez during last night’s Dancing With The Stars season finale to take the title and taint his obituary (think about it: “NFL All-Time Rushing Leader, Dancing With The Stars Champion, Dead at 74.”) I didn’t know how important Emmitt’s victory was until I received an angry phone call from my co-worker Jaime (not her real name), who yelled at me for neglecting Dancing With The Stars all morning. Rather than do the proper research, I decided to transcribe what she said word-for-word as she ranted about the results. I type fast. So here it is- a recap from somebody who really, truly cared:
It’s 12:18 and I can’t believe you didn’t write anything about Dancing With The Stars yet! It was crazy! I screamed at the TV when Emmitt won. I haven’t yelled at the TV like that sinceâ€¦ O.J. My husband was sleeping and I woke him up and he was like “what’s wrong? What’s wrong?” And I said “Emmitt won!”
He just won because he was clearly the nicer person. Mario was clearly the better dancer. Much better. Mario cheated on his wife and he got what was due to him. You’re typing what I’m saying, aren’t you? Stop it.
I think it came down to the freestyle in the end… or that Mario cheated on his wife– the Doritos girl. I did like Emmit’s freestyle better… I didn’t like Mario’s… but he still should’ve won. Please don’t post this. Seriously.
There you have it. Is Jaime (not her real name) right, or do think Emmit deserved to win? Let us know what you think… assuming you care too.
Shanna Moakler, ex-wife of Travis Barker best known for her MySpace missives and punching Paris Hilton in the face, has fired the latest shot in her ongoing Whore War by joking with paparazzi that the heiress should “remember to take her Valtrex”. For those of you who aren’t wanton sleazebags, or don’t pay attention to pharmaceutical ads, Valtrex is the drug prescribed to treat Herpes. Could Ms. Barker really be implying that Paris Hilton, a paragon of chaste morality, suffers from a filthy STD? I smell slander! Or Valtrex. One of the two. Also, speaking of Valtrex, this is hilarious.
As NBC has incessantly reminded you, tonight is the station’s “super-sized” night of tv, with extra long episode’s of their top comedies My Name Is Earl, 30 Rock, and The Office. Fans of the latter show have to tune in — as tonight our beloved Pam and Jim meet face to face for the first time this season. It’s “The Merger”, coalescing the Stamford branch into the Scranton offices. From the short previews we’ve seen, it looks like its shaping up to be the best this season. Climb into your Team Karen/Team Pam tees and check out this clip, Michael Scott and Dwight Schrute starring in “Lazy Scranton.”
Can you guess what this is a picture of? Is it an alien? A monster? A CGI creature in a new Tim Burton movie? No– it’s something much, much scarier. Seriously. If you think you can handle it, click below to find out what it is. Warning: It’s NSFW. In fact, it’s not safe for anywhere.
If you’ve ever wondered what it might sound like inside the batty brain of Michael Jackson, I would say it’s one part Hunter S. Thompson on a 4 day ether binge, one part Blue’s Clues, one part Liz Taylor and one part scary boat ride from the original Willy Wonka movie. Watch this red carpet arrival footage from last night’s World Music Awards to see what I’m talking about.
If you’ve noticed a hop in your step, an increase in whistling, a craving for all things cinnamoned, no need to panic. It’s the week before Thanksgiving, our favorite time of the year, the week when all things Christmas are shoved right into our faces. And it’s a precious time — for about 7 days, you forget that you’ll be hearing/watching/smelling Christmas for the next month straight, and you actually can enjoy it for a second without crying mint-flavored blood tears. Keeping this in mind, click here to see a hilarious teaser trailer for Fred Clause, possibly the only Xmas movie we’re jazzed about. It stars Vince Vaughn and Paul Giamatti as “The Clause Brothers”, and a psychotically star-powered cast. It’s like Wedding Crashers — in the winter! And the best part? (laughing) It’s coming out in November… of 2007! Hahahah! (sobbing) WE CAN’T WAIT!!!
It’s hard not to crack up while you watch this clip of Robin Williams rocking a variety of his world famous impressions* on The Ellen Degeneres Show yesterday. Whether it’s with him or at him, I guarantee you’re going to laugh. See for yourself.
*impressions, racist stereotypes… whatever, it’s all the same.
- Tyra Banks held her much anticipated “Paaanty Paaaarty!!!” yesterday, and here is one thing we learned: Changing lingerie while wearing a nude bodystocking is incredibly disturbing. If you missed it, no sweat. Today she’s has on Ultra-Sexy Meth Addict “Maaake-Oooooversss!!!”
- Our favorite showdown might be the 6-year grudge Jeremy Piven holds against Jack Black for beating him out for that hilarious role in High Fidelity. Oh, and also, you know Jack Black’s got most of his natural hair… that’s gotta sting.
- Whitney Houston‘s $6 million New Jersey estate is being handed over to the state, after she failed to pay over $1 million in taxes. Her cries of “Don’t make me close one more door!” fell on deaf ears.
- A Lakers fan is suing Kobe Bryant for intentionally elbowing him in the stands last year, and wants a $75,000 apology. It’s not so much that he got shoved, but that it was done without consent.
- Listen, if you were Rachael Ray‘s husband, you’d also have a debilitating addiction to sex and drugs. And earplugs. And mime nooses.
It’s Best Night Ever for Wednesday, November 15th! Lang Fisher is here to walk you through the best of Wednesday night tv, including Next Top Model, Dancing With the Stars, Daybreak, and BET Hip Hop Awards!