Deciphering the Douchebag Rosetta Stone

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Sebelia1.bmpObsessed Project Runway folks, listen up. Those of you wondering what the cursive tattoo on contestant Jeffrey Sebelia‘s monster-neck says cab putt your D-Bag Decoder Rings down: People Mag cracked the case! The illegible scrawling says “Harrison Detroit”, the name of Jeffrey’s son, with “l’amor de la mia vita” underneath (translation: “is the love of my life”). While the sentiment may be nice, what’s gonna happen in a few years when little Harrison grows up to be the troubled son of a failed reality show designer, preferring life on the streets to that of the runway? We imagine Sebelia could always change “Harrison Detroit” to “Harrison Ford“, and just tell people that Hollywood Homicide is his favorite movie ever. (Update: Jeffrey’s son is adoooorable. If we weren’t completely sterile, we’d tattoo his name on our necks also.)

PHOTOSHOP CONTEST: McConaughey Strikes Back

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Thanks to Cornelius Danger (hopefully his real name) for sending this ridiculous Matthew McConaughey gif. I think it’s safe to say that nothing is going to top this. Ever.

To see some of our favorite (motionless) Photoshop entries, click here, here, and here.

In Today’s Random Lesbian News, Circa 1989

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foster2.bmpWhen we first found out that Jawbone Sally, aka Jodie Foster, was “together” (air quotes signifying relations of the sexual nature) with bombshell Kim Basinger, we thought “Move over, Oprah and Gayle! There’s a new lesbian sherriff in town!” An Ebay listing for a “Dirt Alert” sent to an employee at the David Hockney studios confirmed that the two A-list actresses were indeed an item, albeit way back when in 1989. While the news may seem surprising, color us unimpressed. You just know Foster is hiding a thicket of Baldwin-esque chest hair, and would no doubt kick his ass in a wife-beating competition.

In other lesbian news, Jake Gyllenhaal is slated to play Lance Armstrong in his upcoming biopic. So that explains their undeniable sexual chemistry!

It’s July 24th; What’s up?

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tabloid.jpgHave you ever wondered what happened behind the scenes at New York’s second most popular newspaper (and single most popular newspaper that features fun headlines like Gretzky & Betzky)? Me neither. But Tabloid Wars looks like it’s going to be a cool show anyway. Cameras followed Daily News reporters and photographers last summer as they covered the… daily news. Is it timely? Not even close. Will it be entertaining anyway? I guess we find out tonight.

So what else is on? If you like country music you know the CMA Music Festival airs tonight, if you’re a Kyra Sedgwick fan you know that The Closer is on, and if you’re a fan of ABC Family shows that feature a lead character with no belly-button, I assume you’ll be watching Kyle XY. So what are you watching? Vote now!

Your Daily Hoff: On Hoffway!

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davidhasselhoff.jpgThis might be the greatest news I’ve gotten all day. Apparently The Hoff is planning on producing and starring in a Broadway show simply entitled David Hasselhoff: the Musical, which the Hoff has described as “a heart-rendering set on my life and the mistakes I have made”. I didn’t even know the Hoff was capable of making mistakes! But in all sincerity, not even Charlie Kaufman could have come up with an idea so absurdly brilliant as the story of the Hoff’s battles with alcoholism and fame set to the swinging sounds of Teddy Pendergrass (that part’s not a joke). But why stop at musicals? Now that I think about it, there should pretty much be an official David Hasselhoff everything – the breakfast cereal, the video game, the cable network, the action figure (empty bottle of Jameson accessory sold seperately).

The Official Beginning of World War III

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HICKS.jpgThere’s been a lot of talk lately about how the fighting in the Middle East is going to lead to World War III, and up until today, we’ve been skeptical. That is, until, we read this headline: “Idol Stars To Provide Relief At White House Middle East Talks“. Then we realized… this is it. The Official End of the World. When Taylor Hicks is called into the White House to act all constipated while you kick back with your Capitol Hill brahs… well, we picture Terminator 2-style nuclear playgrounds in the near future. Hopefully, a Seacrest-1000 from the year 2056 will be sent back in time to prevent this little concert from taking place.

Frozen Face-Off: Linda Evangelista Barely Speaks

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LindaEvang.bmp90′s Supermodels Linda Evanglista and Christy Turlington are trying their damndest to stay relevant, speaking out on the types of world issues Angelina Jolie could only dream of: Botox. Evangelista, who is slowly morphing into the corpse of Walt Disney, claims that while she is Pro-tox, she still would “like to keep some movement in my face.” Yeah, that’s always a good idea. Christy Turlington, appearing at a pro-facial-expression drum circle, says she loves her aged, barely wrinkled, pampered face. Not that any of this matters anyway — those old hags will never work in this town again.

So who do you think is right? Melt-face or Perma-grimace?