Exciting news out of the Puff– Puffy.. Didd-Daa… Diddyy.. Sean Combs camp today: He’s expecting his third child! According to Page Six, Puffy’s girlfriend chose to skip alcohol on a recent vacation and was photographed in a loose fitting shirt… yup, sounds like a baby to us! And one word comes to mind: Amazing.
Why would a new Puffy baby be so exciting? Well, look at all the other celebrity babies whose pictures we’ve seen. Boring. Blah. Simple clothes. No bang, no zazz. Something about Puffy says “luxury baby goods.” A baby wearing a footie outfit made from a wholly-skinned chinchilla, with a mini-Hermes bag, and a tiny, tiny grill fashioned for a single bucked-tooth. Baby shoes preserved in platinum and diamonds. Formula made with Alize. We just cried a tear, and it had glitter in it. A Puffy baby would really spice things up around the celebrity playpen.
I bet you were just thinking to yourself, “You know, self, I’ve enjoyed all the Mel Gibson jokes BWE has incessantly been making, but I really miss those salad days when it was all firecrotch, all the time.” Well you’re in luck, because the stalkerazzi over TMZ caught Paris & Nicky Hilton, Brandon Davis, and Scott Storch on their way out of In ‘N Out Burger (Paris’ favorite, because its name just makes her feel good), and those crazy kids just won’t let the firecrotch joke die! So if you want to see drunk, grease-covered idiots getting into what appears to be a Delorean whilst cracking themselves up with a joke too old for even Jay Leno to touch, you know where to click!
Boy George, sporting an adorable cinched orange vest and sockless Gola sneakers, began his community service today in New York. He has been ordered to sweep the streets as punishment for a paranoid cocaine-induced 911 call in March. He’s already snapped at the media, telling them they should just go home… but why would we do that? Watching him sweep is oddly hilarious/relaxing. See for yourself.
Do not adjust your monitors: This photo of Nicole Richie is literally actual-sized. I know it’s old news to rehash about how skinny Nicole Richie is, coke-addled, walking dead, etc etc. But honestly, I see pictures like this and I think: How could her friends and family not hotfoot this girl to a hospital bed? You could basically tie a helium balloon to her back and push her in the direction of a clinic.
What’s MORE infuriating is that they actually make clothes that fit this skinny bitch! It’s like these designers were inspired by all the haute couture in Schindler’s List or something. OK, we swear, last weight-related post of the day. (Our shoelaces are crossed, p.s.)
1. If there is one thing that can thwart terrorism and heal the wounds it has already inflicted, it’s Will Ferrell running around in his underwear, screaming maniacally – $23 million
2. In a world constantly facing the threat of terror and violence, we really need more of these movies about troubled teens forming unlikely romances with wealthy peers through the power of dancing. Nobody puts Bin Laden in the corner…except Step Up! – $21 million
3. After their 9/11-exploitation action movie failed to open to the blockbuster numbers they were hoping for, studio bosses are starting to reconsider their plan to open a “hijacked plane suicide mission” simulation ride next summer at Disneyland. Guess Oliver Stone should have listened when producers told him that Captain Jack Sparrow would make an excellent terrorist villain – $19 million
4. CGI animation, talking animals, celebrity voices – you either love this crap or you don’t. Jihad! – $10.1 million
5. Only things scarier than Al Qaeda are low-budget remakes of Japanese horror movies that feature lots of shots of creepy-looking kids standing in bizarrely-lit hallways – $8.5 million
If there is one camera angle that is universally unflattering, it’s the telescopic lens in the vagines angle. It’s the angle that catches every physical imperfection, every chin, every fold, and it is one to be avoided. Then again, when you’re a famous pop star — Jessica Simpson no less — the angle shouldn’t really matter. You’re not supposed to be eating food anyway, so anywhere the lensman goes should be flattering, right?
Well, ladies, rejoice this morning: Jessica Simpson has a FUPA. Or, as some of our classier readers prefer to refer to it, a Gunt. These pictures from last week didn’t convince us that Jessica drowned her post-divorce sorrows in any actual caloric intake… but this highwaited, belted shorts situation she’s wearing does nothing to support her anorexic cause. We’re secretly hoping she gets huge.
It’s Best Night Ever for Sunday, August 13th! Michael is here to walk you through the best of Sunday night tv, including The Simple Life, The Girls Next Door, and Big Brother!
Here is what we learned this week, kids:
Have a good weekend, all!