EXCLUSIVE: Jessica Does Her Best Ashlee Impression on The View; Did She Just… Lip-Sync???

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When Jessica Simpson lost her voice last week, it threw a wrench in her plans to promote her new album A Public Affair. She had to cancel a few performances, which her record label (and father) couldn’t have been happy about.

Today, Jessica was scheduled to usher in the Rosie O’Donnell era of The View by performing on the daytime talk show. Jessica nailed the interview and sounded incredible during her performance; everything was going great. That is, until Rosie came over to talk to Jess following the song… when we learned her mic wasn’t on.

Rosie, welcome to The View. Jessica… welcome to hell.

Magnum Condoms Come In Lohandy for Lindsay

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magnumhotpocket.JPGDumpster divers rejoiced when one sneaky dirt-encrusted scoundrel came to the surface with Lindsay Lohan‘s supermarket receipt. The surprises: Lindsay enjoys her Nyquil by the tumbler-full. We’re sure that’s because the girl is struck down with 14 colds a day, and that it has nothing to do with Nyquil’s horse tranquilizer-like side-effects. Lohan, always the classy broad, also likes to kick back with a personal portioned bottle of white zinfandel, while “cleaning her carpet” with “Daisy Fresh”, which sounds like straight up douche. Then again, Lindsay is a girl of the peoples. And how better to prove it than with a delectable 2 course meal of Doritos and Mac & Cheese. And Hot Pockets become surprisingly useful for those nights when Lindsay’s “not in the mood.” Feyonce-Knowles Harry Morton can snap on a magnum and plow his way into its unkosher goodness. We are just thankful that no one is blogging about our supermarket receipts, which prove that 4,800 tampons, a box of prune juice, and a single bullet for our evening round of Russian Roulette do not a lady make.

The Pouty Princess: A Photo Essay of Rejection & Loss

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After last week’s VMAs, Team Firecrotch joined Pee Diddy to hit Manhattan’s circuit of starf*cking orgies after-parties. However, this terrible trio’s champagne-fueled fun came to an abrubt halt outside of Lohan-HQ Bungalow 8, when the New York Fuzz explained that the party was already too full and even Ridiculous Royalty such as themselves would not be granted entrance (a fate usually suffered only by the likes of Tara Reid). Here’s a series of captioned photographs illustrating this tragedy.

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The Terrible Trio arrives at the mob scene outside of Bungalow 8 – Paris ready to party and say “hot” a lot, Brandon Davis ready to tell us more about Lindsay Lohan’s red pubic hair, and Diddy ready to film himself doing some weird sh*t later to be posted on YouTube.

Read more…

ICYMI: Steve Irwin… A Touching Tribute

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Now that Steve Irwin is off wrestling that big crocodile in the sky, it’s time to pay tribute to the man who brightened up our days and brought excitement into our lives. And what better way to remember the man who called himself “The Crocodile Hunter” than with a video montage… from when he was spoofed on South Park.

(For a genuine YouTube tribute scored to Green Day’s “Time Of Your Life”, click here.)

First Suri Cruise Photos Sound Totes Shiloh-y

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The first reports of the highly-buzzed Vanity Fair/Suri Cruise photoshoot are out… and, well, hopefully the baby really is an alien, as the photos sound fairly bland. One shows Suri nestled against Tom Cruise‘s neck, in an angle we only hope screams “Suri-Goiter”. Another shows Tom and “wife” Katie Holmes laying in bed with lil’ Sur. (It should also be noted that recent photos of Katie prove the girl is way past the verge of a nervous breakdown.) You know, now that we think about it, these photos sound veeeery similar to those of another highly anticipated baby. Yes, veeeery similar…

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Kate Moss Snorts Speaks, Acts

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moss.JPGModel/ Babyshambles fan/ Just-Say-Yes-To-Drugs Spokesmodel Kate Moss is following in the footsteps of Christie Brinkley and Cindy Crawford by launching an acting career. However, while Christie and Cindy started out on the big screen, Kate decided to make her debut in a Mike Figgs short on the internet titled Dreams of Miss X. Check it out– while not nearly as funny as Vacation, it’s definitely more watchable than Fair Game.

According to The Sun, this creepy black & white short is the first of four Miss X movies. In the third, set to premiere in January, Kate will strip nude. So for the six of you who have never googled “Kate Moss + naked”, congratulations! You now have something to look forward to in ’07.

Watch the video here.

While You Were Barbecuing Alone in the Rain…

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  • This weekend, talk show host Ellen Degeneres was injured in a minor car collision on Sunset Boulevard, a crash involving no less than three Porsche’s: two literal Porsche’s, and girlfriend Portia De Rossi. TMZ has obtained some post-crash footage, and while not ground-breaking, it will make you borderline stalkery-uncomfortable, which we know you love. So enjoy!
  • Blind Item Clue: What is… Courtney Love… with a pipe… trying to get Frances Bean… into Harvard Westlake. (Last item)
  • Apparently Lindsay Lohan‘s boyfy Harry Morton also thinks the starlet’s mythical breasts can also tune in to the latest sports scores. They’re not made of magic, Har!
  • Hugh Jackman‘s upcoming movie The Fountain was met with a round of boos at the Venice Film Festival. Jackman should just stick with what he does best: really handsome yet overzealously effeminate hip-thrusting.
  • Finally, this weekend saw the final court performance by tennis legend Andre Agassi, who rounded out his glorious career with a spot-on Roberto Benigni impersonation, telling the thousands of U.S. Open spectators that he “wanted to make love inside of them.”

Best Night Ever: Monday, September 4th!

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It’s Best Night Ever for Monday, September 4th! Brian Faas is here to walk you through the best of Monday night tv, including Prison Break, Vanished, and Behind The Camera: Diff’rent Strokes!

ICYMI: Top Gun Like You’ve Never Heard It

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Tom Cruise has had a busy year, what with his apologizing to Brooke Shields for the whole “judging your mental illness” thing, getting fired, plus all the hype surrounding his fake baby. We remember when times were simpler for Tom Cruise…

Well Team Tiger Awesome, the ingenious creators of 28 Days Slater, have again delivered a golden Goose nugget of pure brilliance: Top Gun as a silent film. The film loses little of its deep, lasting meaning, but be warned: the playful and ethereal tinkling of the ivories will burn itself into your memory for life. Futz ya later!

(Link via Cinematical)

Crikey! “Crocodile Hunter” Steve Irwin Killed by Stingray

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Steve Irwin.JPGMost of America woke up this morning to learn of some upsetting news: Steve Irwin, known to most as the “Crocodile Hunter”, was killed off of the coast of Australia after a stingrays tail delivered a deadly blow to his chest. Irwin was only 44, and approached the stingray to record some footage for his new children’s show, Bindi. What surprised us about the news wasn’t so much that Irwin was killed in a freak animal accident, but rather that it was a stingray that delivered the fatal blow, and not one of the crocodile’s the Hunter so famously humiliates on the air. OK, the guy was no “Grizzly Man“, but there was an overeagerness to his dealings with deadly animals that just screamed “premature death.” Lest we not forget about the time he taught crocodiles the important distinction between a live baby and raw chicken meat. Nevertheless, we’re sad to see him go. It’s going to take a long time to convince some crazy bastard to risk his life on a daily basis for the sake of television.