Dancing with the Stars: Dreams Coming True Alert!

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The publicity stills for the new season of Dancing with the Stars are here, and they should serve as a wake-up call to set your Tivo season passes NOW. While Jerry Springer brings to mind an O’Reilly-esque loofah-and-falafel fetish, Joey Lawrence reminds us that even Tiger Beat worthy teen stars can grow into “the creepy bald guy at the kegger.” And Tucker Carlson! Judging by the below picture, the guy is ready to dance his balls off. He even undid his signature bow tie! Me-ow.

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SIZZLER: SNL Cast Shrinks By Three

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SNLLogo.JPGA source at Saturday Night Live has divulged which cast members won’t be appearing on the 32nd season premiere next month. Staple players Horatio Sanz and Chris Parnell, and the relatively new Kenan Thompson are the three people likely to be axed. The source also claims Amy Poehler will step down as Weekend Update anchor, and will be replaced by writer/performer Jason Sudeikis. Considering that Tina Fey and Rachel Dratch have also left the show to work on the new sit-com 30 Rock, it looks like we’re going to be treated with an entire new dynamic — one that will hopefully work.

But what will become of our beloved cut players? Both the beloved Parnell and shticky Sanz have some movie projects lined up, some of which seem promising. No, we’re most worried about Kenan. Having just completed a small part in a hilarious box office fizzler about reptiles on aircrafts (we can’t bring ourselves to say the name anymore), the only other project he’s got lined up is in a movie called Wieners. We’re going to back away slowly while you slowly realize that poor Kenan has probably reached his peak. Thanks for nothing, All That.

CAPTION THIS! Paris-Zilla

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After searching high and low, Paris finally finds the Asian Nicole she was so desperately looking for.

Your turn. Leave your Captions in the Comments NOW!

10 Ways Tom Cruise Can Commit Creative Suicide

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tom cruise.JPGIn the severance heard round the world, Paramount has cut its contract to veteran actor/placenta eater Tom Cruise. Says Viacom chief Sumner Redstone, “It’s nothing to do with his acting ability, he’s a terrific actor… but we don’t think that someone who effectuates creative suicide and costs the company revenue should be on the lot.”

Which got us to thinking: If Tom Cruise were in fact to commit creative suicide, he would definitely go out with a bang — one shot out of a ruby-encrusted air cannon, surely. Here are some other ways Tom Cruise could commit suicide creatively:

  • He could hangglide off of the roof of the Scientology Celebrity Center and into the mouth of an active volcano
  • He could swallow one end of the e-meter, put the other end up his rear, and run a charge through it.
  • He could leave some shrimp out in the sun for a few weeks, then eat it.
  • He could do his own stunts in Faces of Death 7.
  • He could wait 16 years until Suri is old enough to drive, then steer her into oncoming traffic until a tractor trailer slams into the passenger side.
  • He could take a single vitamin.
  • He could go swimming off the coast of Ethiopia and get slayed by pirates.
  • He could do tragically badly on Celebrity Fear Factor.
  • He could buy a horse and ride it off the edge of the Grand Canyon.
  • He could get lost in the deadened gaze of wife Katie Holmes, never finding his way out and suffocating to death.

Seems like the last one is the most likely. Any other ideas for Tom Cruise’s creative suicide?

Starting Out As An Intern

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The lovely Melissa Rauch from TV’s Best Week Ever (maybe you’ve heard of it) didn’t always lead the life of glitz and glamour that the BWE comedians are accustomed to. She too started out as an intern. Don’t believe me? Just check out this music video and see for yourself.
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To see more of Melissa, click here.

SIZZLER: Team Firecrotch Forms Evil Lair

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parisandbrandon.jpgThe latest report from Hollyweird is that Brandon Davis has moved in with Paris Hilton, leaving them approximately one Joe Francis short of forming an Algonquin roundtable of retardation more powerful than anything the world has ever known. Even briefly dipping one’s toe into the pool of moronic possibility this unholy union creates, the mind is immediately left reeling. All their boozing, whoring and sweating (looking at you, Brandon) aside, just imagine what something as mundane as dinnertable banter might sound like in this B-list brothel:

Bradon: Lindsay Lohan has a firecrotch.
Paris: That’s hot.
Brandon: Firecrotch.
Paris: Hot.

And on and on for all of eternity. Somebody might as well go ahead and add this odd couple to the list of 10,000 Reasons Civilization Is Doomed.

EXCLUSIVE: Nick & Jessica’s Awkard Moment!

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Other than the bright future of K-Fed’s rap career (so bright, he has to wear FUBU shades), the big story from this week’s Teen Choice Awards was speculation about what would happen if no-longer-weds Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson ran into each other at the show, thus creating a vortex of tabloid-fantasy awkwardness. After receiving a tip that they did in fact share a brief exchange, our crack team of hard-hitting newspeople has been pounding the pavement to find footage of the encounter, and after much difficulty (and a couple of casualties), we have victoriously obtained this exclusive clip of the post-breakup run-in the world has been waiting to see!

ICYMI: Idiot Killed the Video Site

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Inexplicably ignoring their own rules prohibiting pornography, YouTube has allowed Paris Hilton to post the following video clip (Internet videos are her best medium), in which which she tries rather desperately to string together enough complete sentences to form a semi-coherent “buy my album” plea to all the teenage girls who tape themselves doing booty-dances to Chingy songs they later post on the video site. Behold the power of the internet, harnessed and manifest in the form of a poorly filmed plug from a spoiled pseudo-celeb shamelessly trying to pimp her joke of a music career! Of course, we’re only helping her…

Tom Cruise [Insert Movie Pun Here] Paramount!

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As you may have heard, Paramount pictures dumped Tom Cruise yesterday. Thankfully, the folks who write newspaper headlines were armed and ready with some corny movie-title puns to walk us through what happened.
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I’m disappointed. Cruise made more than four movies, people. Utilize them. Like:

Paramount Days Far & Away
Fired (After) The Fourth Of July
Cruise Cock-Tails It Out Of Paramount
All The Wrong Moves
Tom Loses It For Losin’ It
Tom ‘Taps’ Out
Majority Reports: Get Tom Outta Here!
Tom Gets The Firm Goodbye
A Few Good Men Tell Tom To Go The F**k Away

Show some creativity, headline writers. Please. Now it’s your turn. Leave your Tom gets axed headlines in the comments.

While You Were Cleaning the Junk from Your Trunk…

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  • An ad depicting Britney Spears completely naked and overly pregnant was deemed too “stimulating” for the Tokyo metro. Funny, that’s the same excuse Kevin Federline gives Britney when she’s in the mood… “Sorry, babe, you’re just too… stimulating.”
  • Superman is engaged! Thank you, Brandon Routh, for finally being brave enough to speak out about wax figures getting married. Tell the government to go to hell with all their “laws.”
  • Saturday Night Live‘s Lorne Michaels will be cutting 4 people from the late night roster. Unless one of them drops dead from a drug overdose or freak accident, then he’ll only cut 3.
  • Over 100 theatergoers walked out on Meryl Streep and Kevin Kline‘s performance of Bertolt Brecht in Central Park yesterday, citing the play “too boring.” As a result, Streep and Kline plan to spice things up next year, with a hot performance of “Sesame Street Live!”
  • Hollywood prettyboy Jesse Metcalfe has insulted British men, criticizing their poor grooming habits and laziness. Why so defensive, Jesse? Maybe because deep down inside, you’re British after all?