According To Jim, David Cross Is a Jerkface

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Our comedy-crazed buddy over at The Apiary did some hard-hitting journalistic investigation to get to the bottom of the long-existent (though rarely understood) celebrity feud between Jim “Big Brother’s Shadow” Belushi and beloved alternahipsterindiecomic David Cross. We’ll leave the in-depth explanation of this bitter rivalry to The Apiary, but we simply must share with you this clip of Cross getting tossed from the stage for simply wanting to “rock out” a little during one of The Belush’s more mind-crushing Blues Brothers 2000 harmonica solos.

BWE Sneak Preview: Bill Parcells’ Needs a T.O.

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Take a sneak peak at a clip from tonight’s brand new episode of Best Week Ever, which sheds some additional light onto the mystery of Terrell Owens‘ suicide attempt… could it be soda related? And don’t forget to watch Best Week Ever tonight at 11 pm ET!

POLL: China’s Animal Olympics: Awesome, Really Awesome, Or I’m A P*ssy

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Kangaroos boxing humans. Bears fighting bears. Zebras and goats jumping over hurdles. What is this, a Looney Toons marathon on the Cartoon Network? Nope, it’s the Animal Olympics, taking place right now in China.

Animal rights activists are disgusted by the AO, calling it “sickening” and “barbaric”. But think about it this way; If you really believe in animal rights, wouldn’t you want these animals to have the right to participate in sporting events like humans? That’s some deep stuff right there.

So what do you think about the Animal Olympics? Vote now!

Sorry Wheaties, Champions Have a New Breakfast!

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pancakesausage.jpgYou know, bowls of boring bran flakes are for losers. That’s right, Michael Jordan and Mary Lou Retton f*cking LIED to you, because there is only one TRUE “Breakfast of Champions” and that breakfast happens to be the new Chocolate Chip-flavored Pancakes & Sausage on a Stick from my boy Jimmy Dean. Yes, even the sleepiest of sleepy-heads will perk right up with they peel the plastic off one of these frozen treats, toss that bad boy in the microwave and wait a mere 90 seconds take a bite of chocolatey pancake-and-pork-product perfection. Mmmmmm Hmmmmm. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna mosey on over the BWE Break Room and shove another of these delicious little delectables down my gullet (but this time I think I’ll drizzle a little Aunt Jemima’s on them first). Ahh yeah.

Full House Really Effed Those Kids Up

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DEREKBOYD.JPGWho knew back in the early 90′s, busy slapping bracelets on our wrists and looking down at the ass part of our pants, that our favorite show on earth Full House would end up cranking out so many sad child actors. Sure, you have your famous ones: Jodie Sweetin (Stephanie Tanner) would go on to a debilitating crystal meth addiction, and the Olsen Twins would end up starving and wearing clothes picked out of a dumpster. But what about those peripheral characters, like Derek Boyd, Michelle’s nerdy friend… who now sports a look that can only be described as “Goth Femme.” Take a look at what the rest of the Full House family looks like now, and marvel at how years later, somehow Bob Saget is still the most successful one of the bunch.

ICYMI: Rosie’Snot Digging Cocaine

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A couple of days ago we warned you about how god-awful the new energy drink Cocaine is. Well, apparently Rosie O’Donnell didn’t get the memo. Today on The View, she made the mistake of actually SNORTING it. What follows… well, it’s not pretty.

Blowing a snot rocket on TV. Wow. I never thought I’d say this, but man, I really miss Star Jones.

PSA: How Many Earths Does Tom Cruise Need?

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cruiseaction.jpgBefore heading into the mindless binge-drinking of the weekend, let’s take a moment to ponder one very deep environmental quandry (via Kottke):

Q: Assuming that (a) Tom Cruise’s level of consumption is in parallel with his annual salary, and that (b) everyone on earth has the opportunity to live like Tom Cruise: How many Earths would we need to sustain this level of consumption?

A: About 2700 Earths. (based on average salary stats in Canada, and the estimation of Tom Cruise’s salary based on articles seen in sources such as Forbes, etc)

Try wrapping your brains around that! The Tom Cruise Lifestyle is one of such decadent excess that it would actually requre 2700 planets for all of us to replicate it. Sounds pretty crazy, but if you think about it, commuting around Manhattan by Plane, Train, Automobile and Speedboat in a single day would have to take its toll on the ozone layer. And the required amount of couches alone would probably wipe out an entire continent’s worth of rain forest. The more you know…

SIZZLER: Lohan and Morton Paid to Bang!

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We… we don’t really know where to begin with this one. Our very foundation of what love is built on has been shaken to the core. It seems that the public has been the victim of a very cruel stunt: Lindsay Lohan may have been paid to go out with Pink Taco owner Harry Morton. According to sources, Lindsay and Harry share the same publicist, who thought that a faux-lationship would help boost Morton’s name in the press as well as buzz around his Las Vegas nightclub. Yesterday, the two had a fully-staged lunch set up at The Ivy in Los Angeles, along with a fully functional soundtrack. (Don’t try to imagine it — video footage, thankfully, exists. Take not of the lyrics spilling out of her S.U.V.) What else is fake? Is your hair not chestnut brown? Have you never suffered from heat exhaustion? Is every crotch shot actually a prosthetic vagina? We have a lot of thinking to do.