ICYMI: Top Gun Like You’ve Never Heard It

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Tom Cruise has had a busy year, what with his apologizing to Brooke Shields for the whole “judging your mental illness” thing, getting fired, plus all the hype surrounding his fake baby. We remember when times were simpler for Tom Cruise…

Well Team Tiger Awesome, the ingenious creators of 28 Days Slater, have again delivered a golden Goose nugget of pure brilliance: Top Gun as a silent film. The film loses little of its deep, lasting meaning, but be warned: the playful and ethereal tinkling of the ivories will burn itself into your memory for life. Futz ya later!

(Link via Cinematical)

Crikey! “Crocodile Hunter” Steve Irwin Killed by Stingray

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Steve Irwin.JPGMost of America woke up this morning to learn of some upsetting news: Steve Irwin, known to most as the “Crocodile Hunter”, was killed off of the coast of Australia after a stingrays tail delivered a deadly blow to his chest. Irwin was only 44, and approached the stingray to record some footage for his new children’s show, Bindi. What surprised us about the news wasn’t so much that Irwin was killed in a freak animal accident, but rather that it was a stingray that delivered the fatal blow, and not one of the crocodile’s the Hunter so famously humiliates on the air. OK, the guy was no “Grizzly Man“, but there was an overeagerness to his dealings with deadly animals that just screamed “premature death.” Lest we not forget about the time he taught crocodiles the important distinction between a live baby and raw chicken meat. Nevertheless, we’re sad to see him go. It’s going to take a long time to convince some crazy bastard to risk his life on a daily basis for the sake of television.

While You Were Tying Your “Boss of the Sauce” Apron…

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  • Nicole Richie demonstrates to the world how she keeps her trim figure: Her trademarked “molecular bites.”
  • BREAKING NEWS ALERT FOR MANKIND: Axl Rose and Tommy Hilfiger made up. Did you hear that, Middle East?
  • Ginger Spice has filed a complaint that her 3-month old daughter has been physically abused. The irony of this story is not lost on the many Guantanamo prisoners forced to listen to “If You Wanna Be My Lover” until their eye sockets bled for mercy.
  • Michael Jackson has contacted director John Landis about directing his “comeback video.” John Landis has responded by crouching in the corner of a dark, windowless room and not responding to the his wife’s persistent yelling of “John, it’s Michael on the phone! He wants you to direct his comeback video!”
  • Sharon Osborne‘s dog Minnie attacked Patrick Swayze during a taping of Osborne’s English talk show. The dog didn’t bite Swayze, but rather demanded to know what the deal with Point Break was.

Best of the Best Week Ever: The Psycho-Award Show Edish

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vma.JPGThis week delivered hours upon hours of tedious award shows and its requisite coverage. Let’s recap:

Have a great Labor Day weekend everyone! Check in Monday for more of your favorite updates.

…OF THE DAY

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    INTERESTING POINT: “Isn’t it ironic that the OK Go video “Here It Goes Again” owes its success to You Tube, and their success really had nothing to do with MTV.” (A Socialite’s Life)
  • ENGAGEMENT: Lindsay Lohan and Harry Morton might engage… in hours upon hours of public unprotected sex, surely. (The Superficial)
  • ANCHORS THEY’RE JUST LIKE US: Ann Curry broke her nose going through a revolving door! Now we feel better about severing our left foot in that shoe polishing machine. (TMZ)
  • SURI NEWS: Vanity Fair has hired security guards to watch over the Suri Cruise photos, making sure they don’t leak to the press. Well, it’s a better gig than keeping an eye on Ryan Seacrest‘s miniatures collection. (Jossip)
  • RESEMBLANCE: We kind of hate this comparison of Paris Hilton and one of our favorite Looney Tunes characters, Lovelorn Chicken… now the bitch is ruining our fondest childhood memories? Fuh. (Cityrag)

Bling Kong: The Return

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Last night’s VMA’s wasn’t about the performances or the moonmen or the choreographed treadmill dancing (okay, it was a little bit about the choreographed treadmill dancing). Last night was all about one thing: The Bling. Check out this amazing video Gawker put together, then go out and buy yourself a brand new grill. Because you deserve it.

Joke of the Day! Knock Knock Stizz

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We had no idea what to expect with the following knock knock joke trilogy video… but what we did learn is that “the interrupting sloth” made us LOL and then look around uncomfortably. Even more than the classic “Orange you glad I didn’t say banana hammock?”

CELL PHONE PAPARAZZI: Praying For The Rapture

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Last night the good people at Virgin Mobile (who previously allowed us to bear witness to K-Fed’s penny panhandling) invited us to their big VMA After-Party at Gotham Hall, promising free booze and a performance by The Rapture. Armed with press passes, low-end cameras and our own lacking photography skills, this is all we managed to show for an entire evening of suffereing through the antics of the pseudo-famous and those who love them. Behold our cell phone’s photographic documentation of the misery you missed, then go to Gawker to see the same event through the lense of a photographer who didn’t spend the majority of the evening at the open bar, drowning their discomfort in free hooch.

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Thank god there was at least one relevant “real celebrity” on hand, otherwise the waiting around and general douchebaggery would have all been for nothing.

Read more…

NSFW Friday: Important Talk on Weeds

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Since it’s Friday and you’re probably getting fired today (what… you didn’t know? oh. this is awkward) why not go out with a bang? Yes, boxing up your stapler and a few post-its with your belongings is somewhat satisfying, but it’s not nearly enough. You should be spending your last day on the job surfing porn sites, sending nasty IM’s to those coworkers you never really liked, and watching videos like this one. The audio is totally NSFW, but what do you care? You’re so over this place anyway.

Have any ideas for what we should feature on the next NSFW Friday? Drop ‘em!

Jessica Simpson Wins Car, Inspires Thoughts of Suicide

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Simpson.JPGWhile we were busy panhandling for enough money to buy a single, crispy ramen noodle, Jessica Simpson was busy scouring the swag booths at the VMA Music Awards. Simpson picked out clothing and accessories she liked, including a stop at the Nessa Lee Style suite, where she strung along something other than a mildly retarded public: charm bracelets. Simpson chose a moon for rest and an apple for health — but, when learning that the dolphin (or tursiops truncatus) charm stood for intelligence, Simpson responded with a “Who needs that?” While 5 of our brain neurons thought that maaaybe she was being sarcastic, we then remembered that any girl low enough to shtup Dane Cook probably thinks sarcasm is an orgasm’s funny, quirky, younger brother.

Then, in a stinging slap to all of our egos, Jessica Simpson also won a car. Yes — a $50,000 Chrysler! (Equivalent to the price of a single, solid platinum hair extension.) Thankfully, Jess will now be able to drive herself store to store down Rodeo Drive — we just hope she’s able to clean out the junk in her trunk. Hey-O!