This is Republican Congressman Mark Olson from Big Lake, Minnesota. To celebrate his party’s recent battery at the hands of the Democrats, Rep. Olson decided to hand out a beating of his own, allegedly “pushing his wife to the ground three times”, resulting in fresh bruises on her body. Why is it that every time we hear about a politician doing some truly f*cked up sh*t, it’s always a Republican? Sure, the Dems are no angels, and anyone who’s ever seen a Leno monologue knows that the lefties are always boozin’ and whorin’, but why does it seem like every time a kid gets cyber-molested, a racial slur gets hurled, a wife gets beaten, or a country gets needlessly destroyed on account of a wanton disregard for basic humanity, there’s always some shade-ball Republican behind the whole thing? When exactly did sociopathic behavior cease to be bi-partisan? I might never know the answers these rhetorical questions, but I do know that the Distinguished Gentleman from Minnesota is mos def today’s Daily Douche.
I don’t think anyone could be more stoked about Britney giving K-Fed his walking papers than Jason Alexander and Shar Jackson, the unhappy couple’s respective exes. If only everyone could know the transcendent pleasure of watching the person who broke their heart suffer through a self-destructive, two-year long meltdown, in front of hundreds of millions of people. Sure beats burning a few polaroids.
Emeril Lagasse has “Bam!”, Teen Wolf has “Boof”, and Apple CEO Steve Jobs has “Boom!”, which is not to be confused with, “Boompth”, the sound that my piece of crap Powerbook makes during its yearly crash.
Yesterday, we alerted you to the classic 1982 clip of Jennifer Holliday singing “And I Am Telling You” from Dreamgirls. There seems to be concern over whether American Idol star Jennifer Hudson will be able to hold a candle to Holliday, who originated the role on Broadway. But what no one seems to be mentioning is the other girl who vied for the role, Erica Marks. Sure she’s only 9-years-old, and, yes, she’s dressed head-to-toe in Bratz-brand clothing, but listen to her pipes! Look at that finger wavin’! Move over, Jennifer Holliday, there’s a tin-eared little white girl comin’ after yah.
p.s. What we meant to say is 9-year-olds shouldn’t be allowed to sing this song. Particularly Erica Marks. Agreed?
The LA Times is reporting that Mel Gibson has launched a grass-roots marketing campaign to garner the support of Latinos and Native Americans for his upcoming film Apocalypto, which depicts the fall of the Mayan Empire. Gibson is clearly banking on the hunch that the growing US Hispanic population, along with the handful of Native Americans we have left, will be interested enough in their sort-of-but-not-really ancient ancestors to give Mel’s latest epic the box office boost he needs to get his post Jew-hating career back on track. Let’s take a look at a few of Mel’s previous grass-roots campaigns to determine his chances of success:
Movie: The Passion of the Christ (2004)
Mel’s Marketing Challenge: “Hmm, it’s a movie about a guy getting tortured relentlessly by evil Jews for two and half hours, and it’s all filmed in a language that hasn’t been spoken for two thousand years.”
Grass-Roots Strategy: “I’ll convince millions of gullible people they’ll go to hell or whatever unless they go see it, over and over, bringing a friend along each time.
Resulting Success: “Thanks for the 300 million bucks, suckers!”
How much do you know about the people you really shouldn’t know anything about? That’s essentially the question this AOL Quiz titled “Posse or Poser” poses. So if you’ve been holding onto nuggets of information about Brandon Davis, Stavros Niarchos and Brody Jenner, now’s the time to put them to good use. Sadly, I got 7/10 (and even sadder: I spelled Stavros Niarchos correctly on my first try). How about you?
Thanks to sethw for dropping this? Got something you want us to see? Drop it now!
In case you didn’t know, today is the Internet’s 16th Birthday. And what would a 16th birthday be without a Sweet 16 party, we ask?
The Internet’s Super Sweet 16
WWW: OMG. I cannot wait for my party to get started.
Google: You look so pretty. Where’d you get your dress?
(They all LOLZ.)
WWW: JK! Like I talk to that broke b*tch. Jeff Bezos sent this to me. So, listen, my Dad —
Moveon.org: Al Gore?
WWW: Yah. He told me to expect a big surprise tonight… I think he got me the Maserati I wanted! I swear, if I don’t get it I will f****ing freak. OMG, U GUYZ, look who just walked in. (They all turn) It’s YouTube.
Google: How do I look?!?! (Excessively primping.) How’s my hair?
Drudge: Oh, please, honey, you look absolutely fabulous! (Pause) Well LOOK who decided to grace us with her presence, ya’ll…
Mapquest: Hi you guys!! (Air kissing.) I’m so sorry I’m late. I got lost on the way over here. Bad directions.
Last week we were excited when we read Radar’s Exclusive! story that Justin “I’m A Mac” Long was getting dumped by Apple. We’re not sure why we were excited– he seems like a nice enough guy. Maybe it was because a rep for Long said “Justin’s a movie star, not a commercial guy,” presumably with the same air of smugness Justin delivers his “I’m a Mac” lines in the ads.
Well, apparently Justin’s rep was wrong and Mr. Long is STILL a commercial guy. According to Justin’s blog, “I don’t know where that report came from that said I wasn’t going to do it anymore â€“ Iâ€™m literally setting my alarm right now to wake up for a Mac shoot tomorrow -we’re doing some holiday spots now which I think will be pretty funny.” So there you have it: Justin Long IS a Mac guy. And a commercial guy. And, apparently a blogger. Well, you can’t win them all.
Read more about Mac-Guy-Gate ™ at RadarOnline, Gawker, & The AppleInsider.
Dennis Rodman realized that, even in full on KISS regalia, he couldn’t keep the gold diggers away.
Yes, that is Dennis Rodman. And some ladies. While our brains explode, leave your captions in the comments! (pic via Deadspin)