A List of Things Oprah Can Give to TomKat

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TOM OPRAH.JPGIt’s been reported today that America’s Queen© Oprah Winfrey has not been invited to Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes‘ wedding in Rome. We’re not sure why this is such a revelation — perhaps in some cultures jumping on one’s couch is a symbol of everlasting loyalty and friendship — but it doesn’t seem like Oprah minds all that much. In fact, she appears much more perturbed about what to give to the happy couple as a wedding gift! Well, fear not, Oprah. We’ve put together a handy little gift-giving guide for you that will make both Tom and Katie smile like the day they became contractually obligated to love one another.

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1. Cuddle Chimp. Double your Suri’s for only $24.99! Katie will certainly appreciate the gesture, as Suri will have hours of quiet fun playing with the toy in her air-tight isolation chamber. Most little tykes give this toy a 10 on their e-meter — entertainment meter, that is!

The list continues after the jump!

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SIZZLER: Katie Blows Three Grand on Lingerie That Will Ultimately Be Ignored

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Katie Holmesundies.jpgAccording to MSNBC’s The Scoop, in the final hours of her life outside of matrimony, Tom Cruise & Scientology’s bride-to-be Katie Holmes spent $3,000 on “lacy underthings” during a recent pre-marriage shopping spree in LA. While this news is most certainly adorable, it would seem that our naive little darling is either a) under the misconception that marriage will have a negligible impact on Tom’s sexual interest in her, or b) making one last desperate attempt at convincing herself that Tom’s “tendencies” can be controlled by $3,000 worth of panties. Either way, we wish her the best of luck and hope that, if the skimpy new skivvies don’t work out, not to give up entirely – there’s always roofies.

TRAILER MIX: Bond Through the Years

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DANIELCRAIG.JPGThis Friday marks a historical day in the realm of swanky British cinema, as a brand new James Bond is released into the wild. Daniel Craig will reprise the role made famous by so many other cads in the new Bond flick Casino Royale. So far, the reviews are nothing short of raving, and Craig is said to bring a much-needed seriousness to the part. But how will the movie stack up to its predecessors? Film site Cinematical has compiled every James Bond trailer from the past 45 years for your enjoyment. The earlier ones are campy in the best way, while those from the 80′s starring Roger Moore look more like a David Hasselhoff production. Try to watch as many as you can to gear up for Friday, and let us know which Bond movie is your favorite. Here’s our favorite one: Goldfinger with Sean Connery.

Seay It Ain’t So

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frat guy.jpgDo you recognize the pleasantly plump gentleman to the right? Of course you do! It’s everybody’s favorite racist frat boy from Borat and the reigning BWE Daily Douche, Justin Seay.

The fine folks at Collegehumor were able to hunt down the cache of Justin’s recently deleted MySpace profile. Studying the page, we learned that before Justin suffered “humiliation, mental anguish, emotional and physical distress” he was just a good ol’ boy like you and me. He looked up to Jack Bauer, loved the NFL and Nascar, played guitar, and didn’t read anything because he “don’t have to.” And, oh yeah, he hated minorities. For some reason he forgot to mention that.

You can check out Justin’s page here. But don’t be too hard on the guy– who hasn’t slipped up and said disparaging things about minorities to a man pretending to be a foreign reporter when they were in college? Everybody does! It’s college! That’s what you do! Right?

K-Fed & His $50 Million Penis

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“Here’s a note to stars: When you make a sex tape it always comes back to bite you in that certain area you chose to bare on screen. You follow?”

I couldn’t say it any better myself, completely disposable FoxNews anchor. With a rumored Britney/K-Fed sex tape about to rear it’s ugly (and we mean ugly) head, the people over at Fox report Mr. Fed has already been offered $50 million for the 4-hour long tape. Me? I find it hard to believe Kevin Federline has ever worked for 4 hours on anything.

Video via Gawker

While You Were Snorting Your Morning Coffee…

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Best Night Ever: Monday, November 13th

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It’s Best Night Ever for Monday, November 13th! Brian Faas is here to walk you through the best of Monday night tv, including How I Met Your Mother, Prison Break, Heroes, and Studio 60!

…Of The Day

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  • CALL IT A COMEBACK: Tara Reid looks… good. Wait, what? How are we supposed to deal with this? (Hollywoodtuna)
  • K-Fed finally found a place to go where he’s appreciated: Wal*Mart. Maybe they’ll hire him. (TMZ)
  • THEORETICAL QUESTION: If somebody makes a “You’re with me, leather” reference on a show that nobody watches, did it ever happen at all? Apparently. (Deadspin)
  • GOOD NEWS FOR PEDOPHILES: Dateline has fired 17 employees, making it even trickier to Catch A Predator. (The Huffington Post)
  • GOOD NEWS FOR MUSIC SNOBS: What are your favorite indie-rockers listening to? Now there’s an easy way to find out. (PopCandy)

The REAL Extended Spiderman 3 Trailer!

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First things first, we want to point out the striking similarities between Tobey Maguire as “Evil Spiderman” and Hitler as “Hitler“:

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Moving along! Forget that other Spiderman 3 trailer you saw a few days back… Here is the super-sized, un-cut, kick-ass trailer scheduled to be released in theaters this spring. Parts of it are still animation only, and while it’s not fully glossed over, this trailer is a welcomed donkey punch to your cerebral cortex. Plus, the last frame is so startling and scary that we kind of can’t believe it’s in the movie.

[removed for legal reasons! feel free to search Google Video, though.]

SHOW AND TELL: Stay Classy-O!

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Here are some of today’s most memorable pictures. Click the orange “left and right” arrows to flip through them all.