Why Aren’t YOU Watching The Wire?

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mcnulty_01.jpgAfter reading The Sports Guy’s and Patton Oswalt’s spot-on comments about The Wire (best show currently on televsion, and I dare you to argue otherwise), I realized that we don’t mention this amazing piece of TV around here much, and few others really seem to be talking about it, which is a shame because it will change your life like you’re Zach Braff listening to “New Slang” for the very first time. As I don’t usually care about “cop shows”, I was late to “The Wire” party myself, jumping in late last year – and man how I wish I would have given it an earlier shot. But to atone for my own sins against awesomeness, I am going to bring the gospel of good TV to you people today. Season 4 premiered last Sunday night on HBO, and here’s an Emergency Action Plan for those of you who haven’t been watching, but don’t want to miss anymore of the amazingness:

(a) Set your TiVo to record ALL episodes of Season 4 (the premiere is still re-running all week), then set them to be kept permanently until you delete them (indicated by the little green dot next to them). If you do not personally own a TiVo or other DVR device, find someone who does and pay them to do it for you.

(b) Clear out your schedule.

(c) Buy or rent every single disc of the first three seasons (go to every video store in town if you must) and blow through them as fast as you can. Do not be afraid about the impact this behavior could be having on your social life as I assure you there’s nothing about it even nearly as interesting as Detective Jimmy McNulty.

(d) Refer back to step A and catch the f*ck up.

Strict adherence to these instructions will result in enormous joy in your life, and a slew of e-mails thanking me for generously providing you with such essential living guidance. Class dismissed.

LISTEN UP: Damn Yankees For Dorks

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  • The Muso has another leaked track from the Damn Yankees of dorky indie rockers, supergroup Swan Lake. Grab it before it’s gone!
  • Aquarium Drunkard seems to be in on my little secret for seducing the ladies: always have a few Serge Gainsbourg tracks lying around.
  • If you’re into Of Montreal, you’re really gonna be into YANP, who was all into posting their unreleased new track.
  • Shoes Are For Work has successfully converted me to the religion of rocking practiced by The Bishops. Can I get a Hail Mary?
  • I know it isn’t an mp3, but the new music video for Band of Horses‘ “Great Salt Lake” over at Scenestars just makes me smile.

SNOOZLER: LiLo’s Vag Sees Shadow, 6 More Weeks of Summer

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blohan2-1.jpgThe sun rises. The tides change. A caterpillar is reborn as a butterfly. And Lindsay Lohan‘s vagina is caught on camera. Must be part of nature’s wild and crazy agenda. Because just when we thought we’d poured enough vinegar into our eyes to erase the memories of last week’s ham-hocky vag-flashing, Lohan decides enough isn’t enough, and lets her lips fly in the breeze one more time. (Need we say NSFW?) It’s clear Linds is not shy about letting her parts out into the wild. But why stop at some measly paparazzi photos? Why not get your vagina the exposure it has earned and deserves! Some ideas:

  • A gigantic shorn Lohan Vagina balloon floating down Broadway during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.
  • France replaces their trademark “berets” with hot-pink felted molds of Lindsay’s labes.
  • Stadiums across the country have “Lohan Vah-Jay-Day”, where each attendee receives an oddly arousing gigantic leather baseball mitt shaped like Lindsay Lohan’s Vagina.
  • Santa Clause decides against using his usual gigantic cloth sack to hold toys, instead placing the oodles of freshly made presents inside Lindsay Lohan’s Vagina.
  • Lindsay Lohan stars in a movie with her Vagina in kind of a good cop/bad cop scenario. It would be called LiLo and Stitch 2: Plan B, and would co-star James Rebhorn and Kathleen Turner.

Wait — can we at least agree on this? Please start calling Lindsay Lohan’s ladyhole “Stitch.” It’s short, it’s cute, and it makes a nice reference to the eventual vaginal rejuvenation she’ll need in about 3 years.

UPDATE: This photo is real, as was her first flashing. Sorry doubters!

DAILY HASSLE: Hoff and Running

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restless06.jpgWe’re really lucky that The Hoff so enjoys sharing of himself with the press, constantly tossing out random and previously unknown delicious little facts about himself, in that we all might come ever so slightly closer to unraveling the enigma of his Hoffitude. Here are the latest clues on the treasure map of Hoff:

  • The Hoff told People Magazine that if he died (were he not immortal), he would like to be buried beneath his Hoffywood star on the Walk of Fame, under clear glass so people could see him decompose, with “Hoff and Running” written on his gravestone. That might be the most Hofflike thing I’ve ever read.
  • The Hoff’s daughters do not approve of the incessant attention their father receives from younger women. I think it might be time for someone to tell them about the birds and the bees and The Hoff.
  • The Hoff says that when he first met the late Princess Di, she was immediately smitten with him. How positively Hoffish of him to respectfully honor her memory so.
  • And as a bonus to all the ladies out there, click the picture above to learn the “Do’s and Don’ts” of winning The Hoff’s Heart!

Dakota Fanning Has Grown! Insanely Creepy!

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dakotafanning2.JPGDakota Fanning has yet to hit her “awkward” teen years, and already she’s channeling the cokey creeptown stylings of Chloe Sevigny. Dakota posed for a fashion spread in the October 2006 issue of Teen Vogue, wearing Marc Jacobs boots, a pillbox hat, and the flat, hollowed out stare of a feral child. Seriously, give the Grim Reaper a paternity test, Maury. This kid does not look OK. Could it perchance be that years of being in the spotlight have left her a shadow of her own childhood self? Get this girl a Slip N’ Slide and some Fruit by the Foot already. She’s got t-minus-2 years until she “sprouts”, and it’s basically all frownhill from there.

Although, on second thought, how much fun is it going to be when Dakota Fanning snaps? I mean really loses it. She’s either going to be a slut of epic proportions or a unabomber-stizz recluse. But seriously nowhere in between.

CAPTION THIS! Martha Sucks

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Martha Stewart shows Dave Letterman exactly what she had to do in order to get extra “phone time” in prison.

To see a video of Martha, um, sucking- head over to TMZ. But first, leave your Captions in the Comments now.

BREAKING NEWS: National Enquirer Pretends Britney Spears Has Baby

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britney_pregnant_bikini.jpgPracticing for the inevitable birth of Britney’s second child, the National Enquirer decided to get a jump start on the coverage by pretending she had the baby today.

Pop princess Britney Spears gave birth to a 6 pound, 11 ounce baby boy just before 2 a.m., September 12th at a Los Angeles hospital, insiders told The ENQUIRER in an exclusive.

Now, it’s possible that Britney actually DID have the baby early this morning and we here at BWE are going to look stupid for doubting them. But c’mon. It’s the Enquirer. We’re willing to take that chance. What do YOU think: real or fake?

UPDATE: UsWeekly is reporting it too. That’s one step closer to a credible news source. Developing…