While You Were Trying To Just Make It Through The Day

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  • Paris Hilton’s Bottoms Up co-star has slammed the heiress for being unprofessional and talentless. He also probably slammed her in his trailer, too.
  • PETA has branded Steve Irwin a “cheap reality TV star”. Even the crocodiles Irwin used to harass think PETA’s a little f**ked up for that.
  • Sean “Diddy” Combs can no longer go by “Diddy” in Britain because there’s already a Diddy there. Combs insists he wasn’t trying to steal the name– he was just sampling it.
  • Gibson has created a guitar in honor of Green Day’s Billie Joe Armstrong. Like Armstrong, the guitar only plays three chords.
  • Pirates of The Caribbean has surpassed the $1 billion mark for Disney. Yet somehow I still don’t know anybody who actually enjoyed it. Do you?

Best of the Best Week Ever: Arrested Developments

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  • Overcome with an “In ‘N Out” craving of a different kind, a drunken Paris Hilton hopped into her car and got a DUI, shocking precisely no people, and providing publicist Elliot Mintz with yet another embarassment that he can somehow use to make her more famous.
  • Local news reporters launched a campaign of hilarity this week, with Flaming Cockroach-Phobic Weatherman and Bodyslammed Field Reporter triumphantly leading the way.
  • Ellen DeGeneres must be hitting the bong she gave K-Fed, because her woefully idiotic observational humor pondering “the whole blog deal” managed to turn the entire Internet into comedy’s new “airplane food”, all before the first commercial break.
  • Suri Cruise finally showed herself to the world this week, and even though she’s the chemically-manufactured emo-haired Asian fake baby of a whacked out closet case and his brainwashed beard pseudo-wife, we just can’t help loving her to bits.
  • After ripping a page from her sister’s playbook and lip-synching on TV, Jessica Simpson somehow succeeds in doing something even more pathetic than getting blown off by John Mayer.
  • Judging by her first film role, Kate Moss is way better at blowing lines with rockstar junkies than she is at acting.
  • The Crocodile Hunter’s tragic demise makes us all yell “Crikey!”, then wonder when it is finally okay to laugh.

RANT: Give the “Emo McHipster” Movies a Rest, Zach

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garden_state.jpgWhile waiting to see Step Up the other night (I positively adore films about people overcoming life obstacles through the power of dance), I saw a preview for Zach Braff’s new movie The Last Kiss, which unexpectedly made me so physically angry that I literally wanted to get up and punch the screen. It’s not that it looked like one of those ridiculous movies with cross-dressing Wayans you always wonder who watches. On the surface, The Last Kiss actually seems like the kind of character-driven dark comedy I tend to enjoy. So why did I want to punch it? Three reasons:

(a) It’s a completely shameless attempt to exploit the few suckers who are so enamored by Braff’s highly over-rated brand of psuedo-indie pretentiousness that they’d actually shell out another ten bucks to see a cynically-produced carbon copy of Garden State, leading me to wonder:

(b) How many movies do we need in which Braff plays a charmingly conflicted twenty-something trying to figure out “what it all means” by staring sullenly at us from artful camera shots until he meets a girl who’s vaguely “different” because she does wacky spontaneous stuff like yelling into canyons in the rain, all set to a soundtrack of last year’s mainstream indie rock, which Braff clearly thinks is “edgy” despite the fact this life-changing music can probably also be found in a Toyota commercial?

(c) Based on this trailer, The Last Kiss appears to be the cinematic equivalent of a sensitive high school kid’s overwrought poetry about loneliness, which falls somewhere between footage of a loved one’s death and ‘Wayans Brothers Film Festival’ on the list of things I’d enjoy doing.

A lot of you probably love Braff and will say I’m being a harsh jerkface for expressing these sentiments, but watch the trailer after the jump and honestly ask yourself whether I’m totally off-base. But whatever you do, don’t help this movie make money by paying to see it, lest we be forced to endure an entire trilogy of Braff’s ‘Emo McHipster’ saga, which would undoubtedly result in an innocent movie screen getting the ever-living sh*t beaten out of it.

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And the Pee Wee Revival Continues…

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04-peewee.jpgPaul Reubens, aka Pee Wee Herman, must be loving life right now. First, his kids show from the 1980′s (and, full disclosure, our favorite show as a kid), Pee-Wee’s Playhouse, gets picked up and aired in the post-Y2K era on the Cartoon Network. (And while we’re disclosing things, we always though Pterri, aka “But… Pee-Wee!”, should’ve had his own spin-off show. I mean, if Frasier got one…)

And things are looking better and better for the guy. Now, Nike has commissioned a sneaker after the character! Called the Nike SB “Pee Wee Herman” Dunk Highs, they follow the very color scheme of Pee-Wee’s trademarked grey suit and red bow-tie. And sense of humor not forgotten, the sole of the shoes depicts the event that originally led to Reubens’ downfall: A row of empty theater seats, and at the end, a white guy jackin’ it. Fans of the man and the kicks can pick up a pair sometime in 2007. (Link via The Apiary)

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Just Go Ahead and Pretend This Was Never Posted

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Watch this video, then go ahead and forget that it was even posted here. We’re not calling judgment on these Scientologists caught on tape… not at all. Maybe the cameraman DID look like a child molester! Maybe he DID commit tonz o’ crimez. But because we don’t need three wax museum escapees following us home tonight, we’ll just let you come to your own conclusions, which we hope you keep to yourself. We will say this: These guys are literally going to scare the rhea out of lil’ Suri.

LISTEN UP: Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Pet Sounds

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  • You can’t improve upon perfection, but you CAN combine two perfect things (like ice cream and apple pie). Musically, this is well illustrated by The Beachles, a decadent Pet Sounds/Sgt. Pepper mash-up upon which you can gorge your earbuds over at MOKB.
  • Beck is one leaky scientologist these days, and a few of his Thetan-enhanced new tracks are up over at A Soundtrack For Everyone. So put down down your ritalin, pick up your iPod, and rock out all over the nearest couch.
  • Lines Through Lines has a very important safety message from Smokey theGrizzly Bear: only you can prevent crappy pop music.
  • Because it’s never to early to spread holiday cheer, The Torture Garden has a track from Sufjan Stevens’ forthcoming Christmas album. Go stuff your stockings.
  • The omnipotent musical god-heads over at Pitchfork have proclaimed their approval of an obscure band called Bobtail Yearlings, so it might be a good idea to head on over and start familiarizing yourself with your mandatory new favorite band.

You Can Finally Put a Value on Angsty Teens

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canthardlywait.JPGEntertainment Weekly has taken time out of their busy list-making schedule to rank The 50 Best High School Movies of All Time. Peruse the list to relive all of your favorite high school movie memories, like the time your pal Ferris B-Yooler stole your dad’s car, or the time when you realized that that huge greasy dude you made out with on the beach in Australia all of a sudden went to your high school in America, and his name is Danny Zucko, and because of your hopeless devotion you almost pierce your ears and end up becoming a raging slut anyway? Remember? No? Fine.

We actually wholly agree with the list — although we are going to make a special point to say that we believe Can’t Hardly Wait, one of our favorite high school comedies of all-time — and ranked a measly #44 — should be in the Top 10. That’s totally Aman-duh. Thankfully, our other favorite comedy, Heathers, is number 5, so we won’t have to feign our suicide to prove any points anytime soon.

The number 1 movie? The Breakfast Club. That’s probably right… but did they miss any movies?

Shuffling Towards the Weekend!

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shuffle.jpgFor this week’s edition of our beloved Friday shuffle, we had a very special guest, Mr. Chuck Klosterman, submit the contents of his iPod for our scrutiny and judgement. Chuck was a senior editor at Spin magazine whose work now appears regularly in several other major publications, and is also the best-selling author of four books of whip-smart pop culture essays, the latest of which (referentially entitled IV) went onsale last week. A man whose insight managed to turn something as seemingly irrelevant as Saved By the Bell into a generation-defining cultural touchstone, Chuck has earned himself a devoted following (including The OC’s Seth Cohen, who name-checked him on the show) and critical acclaim. We strongly suggest you pick up IV, as well as Chuck’s three previous books, all of which are available here. And now without further ado, the first five resulting songs of his shuffle with Chuck’s thoughts about each one. Leave your own shuffle in the comments!

“In the Meantime”, Spacehog: The music of Spacehog reflects a very specific period of modern rock culture, which was the period when bands thought singing like David Bowie and Axl Rose at the same time was a good idea.

“Danko/Manuel”, Drive-By Truckers: This is a depressing song about dying and being sweaty.

“Hot and Nasty (live)”, Black Oak Arkansas: The intro to this track demands that the audience “hunch down” so that they can “know what it’s all about.” Perhaps Lil’ Kim listens to this shit. I suppose this qualifies as “boogie rock,” which is a stupid phrase but a very good genre.

“Chloe Dancer/Crown of Thorns”
, Mother Love Bone: It’s been awhile since I’ve watched “Singles” or died from an heroin overdose. If I were a city planner in Seattle, I would ride the monorail before playing this song at my wedding.

“Free Tyson Free!”, Holy Gang: This is a 1995 industrial anthem about (a.) how Mike Tyson was wrongly convicted of rape and (b.) how he was destined to return from prison and regain his title. I guess Roadrunner Records didn’t employ a lot of futurists during this era. I love this song, though. It makes me want to punch a horse.

When Life Gives You DUI’s, Make ‘Em Marketable!

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paris_hilton__bottoms_up_po.jpgLet’s get hypothetical for a moment. Say there was a fame-starved young heiress who allowed a sleazy has-been film producer to videotape the sex she gave him in exchange for his idle promise to help further her lifelong quest for celebrity.

And let’s imagine the resulting footage was later “leaked” to the Internet, becoming a viral video sensation despite her confounding lack of fame (outside of Maxim readers), personal accomplishment or sexual prowess, thus turning a completely unlikable amateur porn star into a household name, on the cover of mainstream magazines, practically overnight. I know this hypothetical scenario seems like completely improbable lunacy, but just bear with me for a minute after the jump.

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