It’s Best Night Ever for Thursday, September 7th! Shea Hess is here to walk you through the best of Thursday night tv, including ‘Til Death, Happy Hour, and Celebrity Duets!
We know you know, but to reiterate: Paris Hilton was handcuffed last night for the first time without there being any foreplay involved, after police discovered she was driving under the influence. After spending an entire 15 minutes in “the slammer”, Paris was released back into the wild, giving her the freedom of calling up Ryan Seacrest‘s radio show early this morning to explain herself. The gist of it — and these are actual quotes — Paris was filming her “new musical video”… but she “had not ate all day”. She then went to “this charity event Dave Navarro threw for brain tumors.” Wait. Dave Navarro is throwing charity events for brain tumors?? Aren’t we overlooking the real problem here — celebrities are raising money for brain tumors! And in a cruel and twisted joke on God, they’re inviting Paris Hilton to help them.
Oh God. A little bit of blood just came out of our ears. Thanks, Dave Navarro.
More on point, you can hear the entire interview here, and then thank God you don’t have to ever deal with Paris over the telephone. It’s like Robert De Niro in Awakenings, for real.
UPDATE: Mystery solved. To quote a real life SuicideGirl, Alyk, “Yeah, that ‘charity event Dave Navarro threw for brain tumors’ was actually our five year anniversary party. Dave Navarro’s band played at the party, and the ticket sales benefited ‘Head to Hollywood,’ but it was still a party with an open bar and naked ladies dancing.” Phewww! And for the record, no one saw her drinking!
I didn’t think there was anything more annoying about Ellen DeGeneres than that stupid little “smiley dance” thing she does at the beginning of her show until today, when shortly after doing said dance, Ellen launched into a painful soliloquy about her utter befuddlement over the concept of “blogs”, and people “sharing their personal thoughts online”. To learn more, she turns to audience member “Kayleeeee”, who explains how she uses this “blog thingy on the MySpace” to write about her trip to Disneyland. Ellen’s startling incompetence and awkward rambling somehow makes Tony Danza’s daytime talkshow musings look like Shakespearean monologues. Sh*t, Rosie O’Donnell is already a blogging legend.
ALSO: We’re not unaware of the brain-bending “meta-ness” of this post, so save it.
Lionel Richie is worried about a lot of things: he’s worried that Nicole could be the next Princess Di, he’s worried that Nicole might be anorexic, and he’s worried about the safety problems that come with dancing on the ceiling. One thing Lionel doesn’t have to worry about, though, is Nicole ever being considered a better singer than her old man. Here’s Nicole’s new song, “Dandelion”. It’s far from bad, but far from “Hello”. Lionel, you can sleep easy.
We all know that understanding the strange and unusual language of celebrities can be quite difficult, but translating the words of the publicists they pay to speak for them can be downright mind-boggling, especially when that flack is the Larry Bird of Lies, Elliot Mintz. The poor soul given the charge of trying to somehow convince us that Paris Hilton has redeeming human qualities, Mr. Mintz is a master of verbal trickery and misdirection, especially when his client gets herself arrested Gibson-stizz. Luckily, our trusty Celebrity Translator is up to the challenge of cracking “the Da Mintzi Code”.
What Mintz Said: “She’s absolutely fine”.
What Mintz Meant: “She’s Paris f*cking Hilton. Do you think a pansy-ass drinking-and-driving charge could possible faze a person who is primarily known for starring in Internet porn, drunkenly stumbling in and out of nightclubs on camera, and regularly exploiting herself in any and all other ways that might land her on the pages of another magazine? Hell, this is GOOD press.”
What Mintz Said: “She was driving home from a charity event.”
What Mintz Meant: “She was driving home from an event at which she could do the one thing it is she’s actually capable of doing: having her picture taken and drinking free booze while having her picture taken and drinking free booze.”
What Mintz Said: “She had one drink, a margarita”
What Mintz Meant: “She was pretty f*cked up.”
What Mintz Said: “She didn’t appear in the least bit to be intoxicated.”
What Mintz Meant: “Okay, REALLY f*cked up.”
John Travolta sees what it’s like to be the hag for once.
Got a better caption for this picture? Leave it in the comments!
1. Paris, for Carl Jr.’s “Burgers So Good You Just Want To Masturbate To Them” Campaign
2. Paris, for In-N-Out’s “I had one margarita (and) was starving because I had not eaten all day. Maybe I was speeding a little bit and I got pulled over. I was just really hungry and I wanted to have an In-N-Out Burger” Campaign
Can’t wait to see what she does with The Burger King!
The only thing we want to say about the following video is that we openly wept with laughter upon multiple viewings. Perhaps because we react the exact same way when delivering the weather with a roach on our pant.
(also, yes, it’s iFilm now, but only because the youtube one kept going down.)