KFED.JPGWhen we cracked open today’s New York Post, we were more than a little surprised to discover Kevin Spears-Federline standing there in a dapper suit and presenting us with big golden egg of shortbus hilarity. In the sense that he penned an article entitled “I Didn’t Realize How Much People Love to Hate Me” (no, seriously, that’s the title). The jokes spring forth from nearly every line, and yet, we had to read between the lines. What follows are highlights from K-Fed’s self-analysis, along with our helpful Celebrity Translator to help you understand the more difficult parts. The article continues after the jump.

You know, I’m a guy that’s out to have a good time.

I hate my wife.

My record, “Playing With Fire” was just to get people to understand a little bit more about who I am. There’s no real, like, message.

My album is all about me and also simultaneously all about nothing. It’s simple math, folks.

I put so much hard work into this album. I went off and did this album by myself. Completely.

Let that pregnant beyotch carry her own bags! I’m an artist! Whooo… liiiiikes… tooooo… bangstrippersandinseminatewomen.

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K-Fed’s Playing With Ice


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If goblins, ghouls and the threat of undead spirits rising from the grave and eating your insides doesn’t terrify you this Halloween, maybe this will: K-Fed’s Playing With Fire drops today. Cue high-pitched scream.

But October 31st is more than just the anniversary of a Pagan festival– it also happens to be the birth date of one of America’s most beloved entertainers: Mr. Vanilla Ice. Is it a coincidence that the most mocked white rapper of the 21st century is releasing his album on the same day his predecessor was born? We don’t think so. The two men will forever be linked together, which leads us to believe that someday their paths will cross and they’ll form the ultimate embarrassing white-rapping duo.

Now that’s a scary Halloween thought.

MONSTER MASH-UP: Scary Mary Poppins


Happy Hallomeme, folks! Let’s kick the day off with a little trailer mash-up for Scary Mary, Mary Poppins like you’ve never seen her before. But one that you will likely see tonight when your subconscious takes over.

While You Were Admiring the Originality of Your Borat Bikini Halloween Costume



  • At a recent taping of her show, Oprah gave her entire audience debit cards worth $1,000. Unfortunately, they immediately blew the cash on self-help books, a year’s worth of TrimSpa and a dessert-binge at Applebee’s.
  • Steve-O is bringing the class back to the comedy stage yet again, seen here sharing a charming about the “one famous b*tch he f*cked”, and further proving that he’s the Richard Pryor of bragging about Real World cast sexual conquests.
  • Viacom chief (and my beloved boss) Sumner Redstone tells Page Six he decided to can Tom Cruise somewhere between his couch gymnastics on Oprah and Matt Lauer’s impromptu psych 101 class on Today. He goes on to say that his decision was influenced by his wife, who emotionally fired Cruise around the time she realized he was gay.
  • The Great Pumpkin has delivered a Halloween gift to us all in the news that Paris Hilton and Shanna Moakler were able to co-attend Hugh Hefner’s annual costume party without coming to blows. If there’s anything that puts feuds to rest and brings people together, it’s dressing up like nurses and cops who are also whores.
  • A completely hammered Ivana Trump was thrown out of a charity event by Barbara Davis, who told the aging socialite that her behavior was unacceptable for proper society, but would be warmly embraced by her grandson Brandon, who would still probably think she’s a “total MILF”.




  • BAIT N’ SWITCH: You are told that if you click on this link, you can listen to the entirety of the Borat soundtrack. You are instead invited to an unwelcomed listening party for K-Fed‘s new album. Feh! (Click on the CD’s cover to change it.) (AOL Music)
  • COPYWRONG: Comedy Central has gone ahead and removed all Youtube clips taken from the network, including vintage Daily Show, Colbert Report and South Park clips. They have also, unbeknownst to them, removed my will to live. (NY Times)
  • AWESOME-GIFT-FAKE-OUT: Oprah gives members of her audience $1,000 debit cards, and then orders them to donate it to charity. There’s a “Thigh High Snakeskin Boots” non-profit out there, right? (Assoc. Press)
  • HALLOGEEN COSTUME: This year, Dakota Fanning gets creative, dolling herself up to look like the Devil’s Slutty Underage Wife. (Lovely Dakota)
  • KABBALAH ME CRAZY: Madonna‘s new orphan Davie is sporting the latest in baby trends: A mini-vest, Nike sneakers, and a thin red string associated with Judaism’s Kabbalah and inspired by the great biblical matriarch Rachel that wards off misfortune brought about by an “evil eye” and/or “birth parent” (available at Target). (People Magazine)

THE DAILY DOUCHE: The O’Douchey Factor


Like a moth to the flame, attention-starved blowhard Bill O’Reilly bends over David Letterman’s knee for the second time to have his bottom publicly spanked on issues like President Bush’s incompetence, the ongoing threat of terrorism, and the war in Iraq – an issue on which he seems to be the very last individual outside of elected Republicans who is still willing to gingerly defend this costly and tragic disaster of a war. If we’d been doing The Daily Douche for as long as Bill has been saying retarded sh*t on television, this would be approximately the 47,279th time he was awarded the honor.

And Now: The Best Rap-Obesity-Horror Collabo Ever


The following video is so incredibly awesomely hilariously scary, we won’t ruin it with too much talk. Here is the music video for “Ready For Freddy”, performed by The Fat Boys (i.e. “The Fat Boiiiiz!”, aka “No, Literally, They’re Morbidly Obese Boys”) for 1988′s A Nightmare On Elm Street 4: The Dream Master. If Freddy Krueger terrifies you, this video will be your Room 101… in that Freddy raps.

LISTEN UP: Music 2 Get Diabetes 2



  • Harmony In My Ears lets you preview the theme music for every Grey’s Anatomy preview for the next year or so, posting 3 tracks off of the new Snow Patrol album.
  • The Music Slut whores out three great Brit Rock tracks, and includes a list of this year’s Q Magazine Award Winners.
  • Hide under your desk, cue up Billy Joel‘s Leningrad, and head over to Modern Music to download a track off the latest Cold War Kids album.
  • Show Me Music compiles a kick-ass Halloween Playlist, when you just want to spend Halloween eating candy and softly crying to yourself.
  • We really have fun writing the term “Justin Timberlake Leak”, but you’ll have more fun listening to it. Idolator‘s got the DFA Remix of My Love.