Best Night Ever: Wednesday, July 26th

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It’s Best Night Ever for Wednesday, July 26th! Shea Hess is here to walk you through the best of Wednesday night tv, including Rockstar, America’s Got Talent, and Project Runway!

…OF THE DAY

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  • SELF-PROMOTING LIST: Rolling Stone ranks the Top 500 songs of All-Time, putting Bob Dylan‘s “Like a Rolling Stone” and the Rolling Stones’ “Satisfaction” as numbers 1 and 2. Ranked third? Little known band Oversized Magazine‘s song “Rolly, the Stone that Rolled.”

  • McMIRACLE: Katherine McPhee beats her medically diagnosed McLaryngitis and returns to the American Idol tour. 11-year-old girls and 45-year-old men sigh in relief.
  • REASON TO BUY TIVO: Rosie O’Donnell‘s debut on The View is set for Sept. 5, and her first guest will be Jessica Simpson. You know the poor thing is gonna run off the set in terry-cloth daisy dukes and tears. Jessica that is, not Rosie… we hope.
  • POONMAN: Soundgarden has been slated to write the theme song to the new James Bond thriller, Casino Royale. The song is called “You Know My Name”, and if it’s anything like their anthem “Black Hole Sun”, we’ll be 13, awkward-looking, and friendless.
  • CRINGE-INDUCING PHOTOMONTAGE: The latest issue of Details features a photo-quiz comparing faces of Food Network chefs enjoying a meal to porno stars in the throes of ecstasy. Seeing Rachel Ray make her “O” face is like being groped by a drunk uncle… try to avoid it if you can.

SIZZLER: The Lohan Guide to Celeb Medical Terms

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lohangover.jpgWhile filming her latest movie in LA, Lindsay Lohan had to be rushed to a local hospital where she was reportedly treated for “overheating and dehydration”. Though her condition could not have been too serious as she was spotted out that very same night in Hollywood, somehow rehabilitated and ready to paint the town all over again. As this is not Lindsay’s first fatigue-related hospital visit, we thought we’d use our medical expertise provide you with this brief guide to better understanding the real meaning behind all these confusing Lohan health care terms:

“Dehydration” – too much booze.
“Exhaustion” – too much blow.
“Overheating” – too much booze and blow on the beach.

We hope these practical explanations will ease any concerns you might have about the well-being of your favorite party-loving starlet. Rest assured, this is just another one of her patented “Lohangovers” – nothing a little water, some aspirin and six or seven Red Bull & vodkas can’t take care of.

It’s Never Too Soon to Learn Credit Card Misery!

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monop.JPGIn a new version of the classic Monopoly board game, players will use fake Visa Debit Cards instead of fake money to conduct their fake real estate transactions. We think this might be the greatest thing to happen to board games since Operation blew our minds back in the 80′s with its cutting-edge illuminated nose technology. Now even young children can get a head start on learning one of life’s most important lessons: even if you don’t have money to buy something, there are magical cards that allow you to purchase it anyway. Say you’ve got your eye on Marvin Gardens but the Community Chest just poked you with some stupid school tax that left you strapped until the next time you pass Go. No worries, bro – just charge that sh*t. Sure, the dude with a monopoly on Boardwalk may screw you on the fixed interest rate, but there’s always a Chance Card that you could be coming into an inheritance soon, and you can just pay off the debt then, no sweat! You might default on the loan and land yourself in jail, but sometimes in life – and Monopoly – you’ve just gotta roll the dice.

Overall, some great improvements – but here’s hoping that the next version of the game replaces Water Works with Speedy’s Fast Cash Checking Loans, and drops Electric Company in favor of American Consumer Credit Counseling. Also, it might not be a bad idea to get some loan sharks and gambling going around Baltic Avenue. That place is ghetto anyway.

BWE Exclusive: Lance Bass Acting Gay Way Back in 2001!

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Breaking! Check out this prophetic McDonald’s commercial from 2001. It features a fresh-faced and still closeted Lance Bass playing “Spin the Bottle” with the rest of N’Sync squad, plus a surprisingly well-kempt Britney Spears. The result of Lance’s over-eager bottle twirl is… well… the final expression should sum it up nicely.

PROPPED: Project Runway Drinking Game!

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ProjRunway.JPGWhat are you doing tonight at 10 pm? If you had any sense, you’d be curled up on your couch with a diamond studded pashmina at your feet, watching the third installment of Project Runway. Props to reader stilettoxmafia who dropped a thorough and fun Project Runway Drinking Game! We’ve tacked on some extra things to watch/sip out for tonight.

  • One for Time Gunn saying either “make it work” or “carry on.”
  • One for a product placement references. Example, “Send your models to the Tresemee hair salor and use the Macy’s accessory wall.”
  • Read more…

ICYMI: Colin Gets Glib on ‘Today’

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Proppers to Defamer for catching this clip of Collin Farrell (who might still be rattled by his recent super-fan troubles) on The Today Show, which sent us into a hellish flashback when Colin begins loudly proclaiming that Matt Lauer is being “glib”. If this outburst wasn’t stress-related, but instead just an ill-conceived attempt at Cruise humor, he should have completed the bit by doing Tom’s Thetan Dance right there in Rockefeller Center. You don’t half-ass on “The Cruise”, especially when you’re surrounded by a crowd of gawking midwesterners who came all the way to NY to see it.

LISTEN UP: A Daily Dose of the Best Music Ever

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  • Allie Is Wired is plugged into several tracks from Johnny Cash’s final American album, including an amazing cover of Gordon Lightfoot’s 70′s feel-good classic, “If You Could Read My Mind”.
  • Central Village is not ashamed to love Girl Talk, but what about pillow fights during pajama party sleepovers?
  • MOKB says it is safe to play with Shiny Toy Guns, so long as you’re being supervised by a parent or Charlton Heston.
  • Gorilla vs. Bear says that you need to rock the BOAT, if for no other reason than coming up with the greatest album title of all time: Songs That You Might Not Like.
  • YANP ventures away from the blogosphere long enough to see a rock show and give us the resulting hype verdict on blog-buzzed indie rockers Cold War Kids: they’re apparently “good live”. Breathe a sigh of relief and rejoice!

ICYMI: Top 5 TV Show Intros of All Time

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Our friends over at Double Viking pointed out some website’s list of the Top Five TV Intros All Time. While this nostalgic stroll down TV memory lane was certainly enjoyable, we were more than a little dismayed to discover that OUR favorite TV Intro of All Time was conspicuously missing. So after you check out what those guys call “the best”, watch the true genius below and help us understand why there is no justice in the world.

SIZZLER: Tori $pelling Officially Not Rich Up The A$$

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ToriCover.JPGArbitor of Truth © US Magazine reports that Tori Spelling will only be receiving .16 percent of her father’s multi-million dollar fortune, as a result of a falling out with mother Candy Spelling. Estimations report that Spelling will only reap a measly $800,000 out of the death-pact, which as any ex-alum of 90210 knows, is barely enough to pay the help (read: Brian Austin-Green). It’s gonna be a tough life for Tori Spelling, but we believe that with enough miserly know-how and financial smarts, she can still live a pretty good life. Here are a few tips to help Tori save/earn some cash:

1. Melt down your 24K gold toilet and sell it for cash. Then, crap into Ziplock bags.

2. Remove your breast implants and use the saline as contact lens solution.

Read more…