According to K-9 Magazine (no relation to K-Fed’s Bazaar), mammarian Britney Spears wishes to spend the remainder of eternity buried next to her dog, Lucky. Spears is quoted as saying “Lucky is just so cute… she should be laid to rest with me when the time comes.” Excuse us for a moment. (LIFE DRAINING SIGH.) Sorry about that. What a fantastic idea! Britney should definitely get buried with this little chihuahua, whose life expetancy looks to be roughly 3 months. They can keep him in the mini-fridge built into K-Fed‘s favorite recliner, wrapped up in one of Sean Preston‘s diapers, for the next 65 years or so, until Britney has the honor of being buried with the frail, depressed — but adorably small — bones of a once abused dog.
We do feel bad for Britney’s other three dogs (is there such thing as middle dog syndrome?) who were put. up. for. sale. with Britney’s house in 2001. Flash forward to their burial in 8 or so years, dumped out of a wooden box next to the body of a pissed looking Mozart.
Ann Coulter. Dr. Phil. Paris Hilton. Tip Jars on every counter of every establishment that serves food and drink, and the expectation that I fill said jar with cash after making a purchase. Those are just four of the 10,000 reasons our civilization is doomed, according to a website put together by six friends.
Frankly, we are tired of the fake optimism, superficiality, non-talented celebrities, doped-up athletes, dishonest and illiterate politicians, corporate thieves, wife-beaters and evangelical terrorists rampant in the world today and we decided that one way of making ourselves feel better would be to list them for all the world to see and to add upon.
So head on over and add your own. And don’t worry; somebody already added Emo. (dropped by nuncio. Got something you want us to see? Drop it now!)
On September 12, Joey Lawrence makes his Dancing with the Stars debut on ABC. Meaning that our lifelong fantasy of seeing Joey from Blossom and A.C. Slater face off against each other in a battle of suggestive thrusting will finally be realized. Check out this insane 80′s-style clip, where a Danza-like Joey interviews the Olsen twins — still only 6 and as sexy as ever — who fight over who Joey should go out with. It’s refreshing to see the girls in their natural dead-eyed state, verses their current sunglassed, gypsy-clad one.
Today’s the day you’ve all been waiting for; today Paris Hilton’s album, creatively titled Paris, drops. The question is, will you pick it up? We here at BWE want to help you with your decision, so we’ve compiled a comprehensive Pro/Con list of why you Should/Shouldn’t go out and by the greatest album (by a celebrity with absolutely no discernable skills) ever!
The Album Cover
PRO:Paris looks bored and her legs are spread wide open, making this the perfect companion piece to One Night in Paris.
CON: The album costs $12.97 on Amazon. Googling “Paris + Spread Eagle” and finding much, much better pictures than this one costs you nothing but your pride.
The High Comedy
PRO: Breaking out Paris is guaranteed to elicit a few loud laughs from your friends. Listening to it will result in even more. Singing along and choreographing dances to it… wow. The possibilities are endless.
CON: The fear that your friends won’t actually believe you that you bought it as a joke. Especially when they catch you listening to it alone on your iPod.
(Click image to view larger size.)
Jail can be a pretty boring place, which explains Michael Lohan’s bizarre foray into satirical cartooning. Sitting helplessly in his cell, Lindsay Lohan’s daddy must rely on the power of his mighty pen if he hopes to protect his baby girl from the assorted evils of Hollywood stardom. As the complex imagery found in this allegorical cartoon might be confusing to the untrained eye, we have employed our expert celebrity deciphering skills to more clearly explain exactly what it is Papa Lohan is trying to say.
1. Lindsay: Beloved daughter, troubled starlet, innocent victim.
2. Michael: The well-meaning father who’s been torn apart from the mega-star daughter he’s always loved since she became famous. Every time he’s within reach of her (and her fortune), he’s ripped away by the brutish prison guards, who also represent the oppressive power of the authoritarian government under which he so suffers.
3. Dina: Lindsay’s selfish, gold-digging, whoring, manipulative, utterly evil excuse for a mother.
4. Brandon Davis: His taunts of “firecrotch” booming down from the heavens of Hyde nightclub like a terrible thunder.
Some new pictures surfaced of our favorite dad Hulk Hogan catching some rays with his mighty Kong fists by the pool. We were going to post them in their entirety, but they accidentally got mixed up with some Orc photos we had from the Lord of the Rings sleepover party we’re planning. Can you help us figure out which is which? Thank you!
1. HULK OR ORC?
2. ORC? NO — HULK, RIGHT?
It’s Best Night Ever for Monday, August 21st! Shea Hess is here to walk you through the best of Monday night tv, including Prison Break, Treasure Hunters, and Vanishing!