Best Night Ever: Monday, August 21st!

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It’s Best Night Ever for Monday, August 21st! Shea Hess is here to walk you through the best of Monday night tv, including Prison Break, Treasure Hunters, and Vanishing!

…OF THE DAY

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  • MAN BITES DOG: Some dude is suing Dog the Bounty Hunter for being wrongfully pegged as a fugitive. Personally, I think one should be careful about suing a man who calls himself “Dog” and dresses like Mad Max. (E! Online)
  • SELF-CRITICISM: Paris Hilton gave her own album a glowing review. Hmm, a positive review for Paris’ album? Someone at the label must have put her on the payroll. (Yahoo!)
  • SCORNED DRUG: According to Cocaine, “When This Meth Thing Blows Over, You’ll Come Crawling Back”. (The Onion)
  • PRE-NUPPED UP: In her battle for the fortune she married Paul McCartney to steal, Heather Mills is now filming a video diary of their divorce, which she threatens to turn into a reality show should her settlement demands not be met. I think this sends an inspiring message to all disabled people, proving that being handicapped even can’t stop someone from being the very best Golddigging succubi the world has ever known! (A Socialite’s Life)
  • HAIK-VIEW: In preparation for the apocalyptic morning show meltdown that will inevitably occur when she joins the estrogen orgy at The View, Rosie O’Donnell is already coping with her co-hosting concerns in the form of bizarre, incoherent prose on her personal blog. I seriously recommend giving the old TiVo a tune-up. (Us Weekly)
  • FEAR FACTOR: People are saying Clay Aiken chose to limit his appearance on Good Morning America to a musical performance because he wanted to avoid discussing homosexuality rumors, but we think Diane Sawyer refused to interview him out of fear for her life. We know better than anyone that those Claymates don’t f*ck around. (Page Six)

ICYMI: Dane Cooks Up Some Awkward Moments

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Comedian Dane Cook took a break from being unfunny on HBO’s Tourgasm to be unfunny and, well, downright creepy during last night’s Teen Choice Awards. There’s something about a 34-year-old comic making explicit sex jokes in a room full of Hilary Duff fans that would even make John Mark Karr squirm. I’m just sayin.’

So check out the clip now to see Dane act like your creepy uncle that your parents won’t leave you alone with. Awkward Micha Barton anorexia joke sold separately.

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Sanity Check: Brangelina Breaking Up?

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ANGELINABRAD.JPGIt’s Monday, so you know what that means: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are probably off fighting in some mirrored room somewhere. Angelina is said to be in a deep post-natal depression, and is feeling the strain of her mother’s illness and the constant media attention. Many in Hollywood, no doubt worlds less attractive than either of them, are speculating that the relationship won’t see the end of the year. But we think that’s impossible. Why, you ask?

Because. If the two BEST LOOKING PEOPLE IN THE WORLD cannot make it work — WHO CAN, I ASK YOU? Nobody, that’s who. Take my word for it: If Brangelina falls through, I will completely give up on myself physically. I will bathe in Ben and Jerry’s, wash my face with Hershey’s chocolate syrup, wear entire hams for shoes, and the skin of the poor as a dress. Because, simply put, looks will cease to matter. Take a moment and think about these ramifications, while I nervously nibble on a 10-calorie dessert in anticipation.

BREAKING NEWS: Smoking Is Bad For You, Shooting A Cat In The Face w/ A Shotgun Is Still Cool

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The folks at Turner Broadcasting have their priorities intact. Thanks to some recent studies that have finally revealed that smoking is not good for your health, the Superstation has decided it’s about time to sift through a few thousand old cartoons and remove all the scenes that “glorifiy” smoking. But don’t worry, scenes that glorify mindless violence and racial stereotypes are still A-Okay.

So in cartoons like Tom & Jerry, The Flintstones and Scooby Doo smoking is OUT. Too dangerous. To find out what’s still in (and not nearly as dangerous as a pack of cigarettes) you can click below.
Read more…

Seinfeld: The Musical!

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seinfeld_lrg1.jpgYes. My fantasy has finally been realized. Seinfeld has been turned into a musical! The show is happening all the way up in Winnipeg, Canada, and while most people living in Winnipeg have never actually seen Jew, they’re still totes pumped about the idea. But if you don’t actually own any snow shoes, what kind of songs do you think should be in it? Here are some we’re currently working on: (sung to the tune of “Seasons of Love” from Rent)

525,600 Kvetches.
525,600 Things that annoy.
525,600 Kvetches.
How do you explain it… to a goy?
From traffic, to cancer, to dating, to masturbation,
From Newman, to Nazis, to bubble boys.
From 525,600 Kvetches.
How do you measure — the things that annoy?
Read more…

LISTEN UP: A Daily Dose of the Best Music Ever

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  • Mars Needs Guitars has a bunch of new tracks, including the latest from Adam Green, who is sort of like what would happen if you gave Raffi a whole bunch of acid.
  • Last weekend in Memphis, I caught a show by a new band called Oh No! Oh My! – and let me tell you, the whole crowd left saying, “Oh Sh*t! These guys are Oh Awesome!”. Hop over to Palebear, listen to “Walk In the Park”, and thank me in the morning.
  • Dirty Bronson posts a new tracks from Dirty Pretty Things, the Pete Doherty-less new incarnation of The Libertines. Shockingly, taking the self-destructing crackhead out of the occasion didn’t hurt the music too much!
  • In celebration of the #1 box office debut of Snakes on a Plane, Dancelouder posted the synonymous track from Cobra Starship. You have approximately 12 seconds to download the song before the whole SoaP phenomenon is completely, utterly, hopelessly dead.
  • As usual, Pitchfork’s loving review of Mew makes all the music blogger cattle say, “Moo!”. Was that a limerick or haiku? I should stop before I really infuriate you. This really isn’t cool, but what can you do?

GAMES: Escape The Paparazzi

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escape papa.JPGThere are some games we find online that just SCREAM Best Week Ever. Sadly, most of those games are NSFW, illegal in most states, and result in about 45 minutes of consecutive unstoppable pop-up windows about penis pills and Canadian webcam girls. No matter. This game is pretty great too.

It’s called Escape The Paparazzi, and well, that’s exactly what you have to do. So if you think Angelina Jolie, Russell Crowe, Tom Cruise or any other celebrity has it easy, think again. Actually- don’t think. Just play.

DAILY HASSLE: Bachelorhoff Rules!

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dailyhassle.jpgWhile the rest of us spend the weekend either resting or raging, The Hoff is out there hoffin’ it up, leaving us with several juicy bits of new Hofformation to digest. Let’s not waste any more time then!

  • The Hoff says he wants his next bride to be British. Good thing the Queen of England is single.
  • Busty actress Gena Lee Nolin sent her best wishes to The Hoff following his official divorce from Pamela Bach (who will henceforth be known on this blog only as The B*tch). Nolin’s “best wishes” arrived in the form of her panties, only one of the hundreds that are sent to The Hoff daily.
  • Executive Producer Simon Cowell says The Hoff will return to the second season of America’s Got Talent. No surprise there, but The Hoff has yet to decree whether or not he will allow Simon Cowell to go on breathing. Fingers crossed.

SIZZLER: Didn’t We Almost Have It Al Qaeda?

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houstonosama.JPGA woman claiming to be Osama Bin Laden’s sex slave has written a book claiming that Osama was so obsessed with Whitney Houston, he debated having husband Bobby Brown murdered. Can you say “Match Made In Heaven” alert? First of all, subservient, shumbservient, when Osama gives an order, Whitney has no choice but to “Do It Todaaaaaaay.” And Houston would no doubt benefit from Osama’s connections… in drug trafficking, of course! While Whitney wouldn’t be allowed to sing (Osama, of course, does not tolerate music), she can still substance abuse the hell out of herself.

The oooonly possible probby I can see with this Bin Laden-Houston affair would be his picking out one of her trademarked “doody bubbles.” As we all know, that’s black love. (Ed. Note to Bobby Brown: Sleep with both eyes open. This is terrifying.)