Yesterday, word got out that Dustin “Screech” Diamond was mugged. We pictured a man, 10 feet tall if he was a foot, grabbing Screech by his throat and slamming him to a corkboard, while slashing his denim pockets with laser-beam eyes and stealing the guy’s last $5.
Here’s what actually happened (shocking parts written in italics): Some insane woman broke into Screech’s hotel room, armed with a mace canister, and made off with a few Playstation games. Then, Screech, very serious about his Playstation games, managed to pin the woman to the door of his hotel room, and grab the games back. Then, the woman screamed “Rape.”
“Rape-ape-ape-ape (echo bouncing off canyons)” is what it must have sounded like in Dustin’s cavernous head. Diamond need not worry of any false accusations, however. Because if Screech were to rape anyone, he would obviously be sporting a dapper Mark-Paul Gosslear mask.
No matter what Us Weekly tells them, Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston insist they are not in fact engaged to be married. We wish these stubborn lovebirds would just accept the decree the tabloid mag has made and show us the ring already, so that the paralyzing suspense will finally be over, allowing us to move on with our daily lives.
Truly shocking news: Robin Williams is in rehab… for drinking, and not cocaine abuse. Williams, the laid-back, relaxed comic who made his name as an actor in such classics as Mork and Mindy and Mrs. Doubtfire (No sarcasm intended on the “classics” part), was missing from the premiere of his latest film, The Night Listener. Instead, he was in Oregon, kicking back at the Hazleden Springbrook Rehab Clinic. Williams walks around in a constant state of panic attack, and while his exhuberance brings to mind the Ghost Train from Ghostbusters 2, his publicist insists he went to get treatment for excessive drinking… Cocaine-Infused Red Bull, surely.
First Mel Gibson, then Robin Williams… both actors who portrayed teachers… who’s next? Jon Lovitz? Michelle Pfeiffer? This is a sad game, let’s not even play it.
Our friends over at iFilm pointed us to this AWESOME music video. Who cares if He was one of us, what we really want to know is, “What if God had a MySpace“?
Page Six reports that Vanity Fair will be publishing the first authorized pictures of the elusive Suri Cruise this fall. We made some calls, disguised our voices, and were able to score a first look at the tentative cover. Even at this age, she looks just like her Dad. Check it out!
A screencap of Alan Holmes speaking earlier on FOX’s politcal gab-fest Hannity & Colmes shows that no matter what the network claims, their fans aren’t always so “fair and balanced”. They are, however, way more awesome.
Today’s “Best Headline of the Day” Award goes to UK’s The Sun. Picture of Val Kilmer courtesy of your nightmares.
Thanks to reader coledc for dropping us this true “In Case You Missed It” (and believe me, you’ll wish you had). The very act of appearing on a reality show requires a significant sacrifice of one’s dignity, but on Big Brother 7, cast-member Mike Boogie takes humiliation to a whole new level by getting into a small box for a little “me-time” privacy from the house’s cameras (because nothing gets a man hornier than the claustrophobic sensation of being buried alive), who instead hold hilariously on the immobile box as the dude knocks his own boots. Even by reality TV standards, I think this clip captures human disgrace in ways previously unimagined:
Drop us more awesome stuff (but not too much, or you’ll go blind)!
The summer of love, this is not.
Maybe it’s the heat wave, maybe it’s the war in the Middle East, or maybe it’s because there’s nothing good on TV, but this summer we’ve been witness to a record number of celebrity break-ups. It’s only August and already we’ve had two MTV reality show couples file for divorce, two more have parted ways, and to top it all off Jude & Sienna are breaking up… again! Throw in big names like Christie Brinkley, Jenna Jameson and Paul McCartney and it’s plain to see that this really is the Summer of Dunzo.
Sometimes when a celebrity couple splits up you’re secretly happy– you never liked them anyway: UPGRADE! But other times you wish they would’ve worked things out and stayed together for
the kids you: DOWNGRADE! Who deserves an upgrades and who deserves a downgrade? Vote now!
While completing his morning vanity Google (right between showering and breakfast), The Hoff found himself posed with an existentially troubling question: could he possibly be The Antichrist foretold by ancient Christian prophets? Apparently one of Google’s 7,333,600 references to The Hoff (he knows the exact number) suggests that His Hoffness might in fact be the biblically-prophesied Beast of Babylon sent to bring a reign of darkness upon the Earth in a hellish Abomination of Desolation. Could the former Baywatch star be responsible for the trials and tribulations associated with End Times, and if so, why haven’t we read about this in those Left Behind books? Is Knight Rider actually one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and does that make KITT a hell-beast? All I know is that I’m terrified by the awesome power of The Hoff and hope that he never chooses to use his omnipotence for dark or evil purposes (other than America’s Got Talent).