Oh man, I’ve been waiting SOOO long for this day. MC Hammer, the OG of awesome, is back with a hot new hit, and guess what’s it’s called? Hammertime! Thanks to the hip-hop producing genius of Scott Storch (who also gave us the gift of Paris Hilton’s debut album), the world will be rocked with beats we haven’t known since the soundtrack to The Addams Family 2. Dust off your hammerpants, check out the track, and tell us just how legit that sh*t really is!
Nick Lachey flashes a smile while beating off killer vermin in NYC.
We know, we know. That was way too nice. But we’re leaving the catty captions up to you! So leave your ideas in the comments section… there are like 47 really obvious ones.
A message from Lindsay Lohan:
“Hey everyone! I know we haven’t talked in a while… I’m wrking hrd on my new movie Georgia Rulez (I added the Z, LOLZ!!1) and busy attending charity fundraisers at night and hanging out with my Mom. But the other day I had this graet idea: Tattoos! I love tattoos! They sometimes help me remember where I was the day before. NEWAYZ, I was thinking: I have all this money, all this time, all these fans, and I’m obsessed with tats (I won’t stop til every freckle is covered, I swear, LOLZ.) Then Stavros was like “Linzer, open up your own tattoo parlor!!!” Sorry I’m just so excited, opening a business is a really adult thing to do. I mean, I’m only 20, but people seriously think I’m like 40. Anyway I was thinking that it would be like a place where young girls could get tattooed with their friends, for like birthday parties and stuff, and stay cool and keep hydrated. Smart, right?!
OK, love you all, PLEEZ come to my parlor, it’s gonna be sweet. I have two hospital visits scheduled next week, but TTYL4RLZ. xoxolilo. p.s. Thanks for asking, and yeah, motherf***er, I’m fine.”
A lot of celebrities became cooler after they died: Kurt, the dude from Sublime, Morrison, Hedberg… the list goes on and on. Well, perhaps nobody’s become more notorious posthumously than Rick James. Dave Chappelle’s skits bumped James up from iconic musician to undeniable legend. How do you honor a man like that? With the single coolest tombstone ever naturally.
Poetic. They probably considered going with “I’m Rick James, Bitch” but I guess that would’ve just resulted in far too many backwards-cap-wearing frat boys making pilgrimages to the grave site to quote it in person. And who really wants to deal with that?
A couple of months ago Bill Simmons, a.k.a. ESPN’s Sports Guy, came up with the idea for an US Weekly fantasy league. Everybody laughed and thought it was clever, never actually thinking that somebody would put the time and effort into actually organizing one. Well, somebody did.
RMartin24 dropped this link to Fafarazzi.com, a celebrity fantasy league that “works just like fantasy sports leagues – except instead of scores being tallied for homeruns and touchdowns, they’re for catfights, divorces and baby bumps!” Just what I need– another fantasy league to distract me from doing my work.
Obviously I’m ready to join. What do you say? Anybody interested in a BWE.tv league? Let’s do it.
UPDATE: We’re all set up. Click here to join the bwe.tv FaFarazzi league. The draft is 6 days and 21 hours away… so start prepping now!
Sometimes, we see or hear about celebrity stunts that just seem to good to be true. This is a prime example. In September’s issue of Vanity Fair, Gwyneth Paltrow dons an “authentic” African beaded necklace (Claire’s, $4.99), and some eyeshadow in “Teal It Like It Is!” (Nars, $278) to promote Keep A Child Alive, an organization that raises money for children with AIDS. The caption across the bottom of the ad reads “I Am African.” We have to tip our hats to this organization for having the moxy to say what we’ve all been thinking: Gywneth Paltrow is sooo totes a black woman. One who refuses to eat, is practically see through, and is WASPier than a nest full of bees, mos def. But black nonetheless.
With a bust like that, you wonder why Bill ever cheated.
Now it’s your turn. Leave your caption in the comments now! And to learn more about Hillary’s bust (designed by the same dude who created the Britney birthing on a bear skin rug statue), click here.
- First, Us Weekly told us Vinnifer got engaged, setting our hearts aflutter. Then Vinnifer’s publicist told us it’s not true, and our hearts sank. Now Us Weekly is saying that Vinnifer’s publicist might actually be, gasp, lying to us. We don’t know what to believe anymore, but…just…look, are they getting f*cking married or not? Can someone please make this hurt in hearts stop?
- I know the Top Models are supposed to look fierce and all, but when in the name of Tyra did “fierce” start meaning “freaky crackhead“? Kate Moss?
- Britney Spears has already given her toddler son Sean Preston his first car – a miniature Cadillac Escalade with real spinning rims and a stereo that plays 3 songs (none of which, mercifully, are his father’s). Tiny Cheetohs Bag Floorboard Litter and Empty Red Bull Can Blunt Ashtrays are sold seperately.
- Now that he’s officially over Cristal, hip-hop mogul Jay-Z is big pimpin’ a new beverage: H to the 2-0, otherwise known as water. A possible line from an upcoming rhyme: “I drops so many hits I drink H20 by the gal/Brushin’ teeth, takin’ showers, pour it on my face right now!” Now THAT’S hot (good thing I got all this water to cool it off with).
- Carlton from The Fresh Prince, less recognizably known as Alfonso Ribeiro, has filed for divorce from his wife. She’s getting the house and custody of Fresh Prince rerun residuals from Mondays and Wednesdays. Carlton held onto the rest of his weekly income, as well as all those awesome sweaters.
It’s Best Night Ever for Wednesday, August 9th! Shea Hess is here to walk you through the best of Wednesday night tv, including Rockstar: Supernova, Last Comic Standing, and Project Runway!
- LIFE IMITATING ART: Angelina Jolie has rounded up sources to spy on Brad Pitt during the filming of Ocean’s 13. Pitt became suspicious when he spotted George Clooney reading a newspaper with the eyeholes cut out of it. (The Bosh)
- CONFUSING GAME: Nicky Hilton or Tara Reid? It’s like those 3-D holograms, where you unfocus your eyes to see the image… it takes hours to figure out. (Go Fug Yourself)
- UNAPPETIZING IMAGE: Matthew McConaughey‘s moose knuckle. That’s it. (City Rag)
- NICKNAME: Heidi Klum reveals that her nickname at Victoria’s Secret is “The Body.” That’s kind of like the Snakes on a Plane of the modeling world, isn’t it? (Just Jared)
- SENSITIVE GUY: Celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay will finally shed a man-tear, when his pet pigs Trinny and Susannah are slaughtered in front of his face on the BBC. The sobbing continues while he roasts the delicious pork on a spit, and the man has a near meltdown while dining on their succulent, tender meat. (The Independent)
- PORNY DISNEY TITLE: Wilmer Valderrama is making his singing and directorial debut on the new Disney series Handy Manny. Singing AND directing? We thought he could only devirginize! (Franklin Avenue)