While You Were Hot. Very, Very Hot.

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  • Paris Hilton is comparing herself to Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana. Which of course begs the question: drug overdose or car accident?
  • Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas is furious with the media for repeatedly reporting that she’s pregnant when she appears in public slightly overweight. She’s still cool with being called ugly, though.
  • Tommy Lee refuses to autograph his infamous sex tape for moral reasons. He will, however, f**k anybody who asks him to.
  • 71-year-old actress Sophia Loren won’t bare it all for next year’s Pirelli calender. Which would be depressing news… if that last sentence didn’t begin with the words “71-year-old.”
  • Janet Jackson says Mariah Carey is the biggest diva she’s ever met. In girth.

Best Night Ever: Monday, July 17th

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It’s Best Night Ever for Monday, July 17th! Carolyn is here to walk you through the best of Monday night tv, including Hell’s Kitchen, Treasure Hunters, and Real World/Road Rules Challenge!

…Of The Day

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  • GOD: Samuel L. Jackson, muthaf**kers. At least he will be in the new Audio version of The Bible (Contact Music)
  • SIGN THERE IS A GOD: Somebody is going to win a date with Jessica Biel. Time to start praying again. (Hollywood Tuna)
  • NEXT UP, THE CHICKEN: More than 35 million eggs will be used as billboards for CBS. Little, tasty billboards. (Defamer)
  • AT LEAST SHE FLOATS: Pamela Anderson fell out of a boat. That of course begs the question; when a Baywatch lifeguard drowns, who runs in slow motion to save them? (The Bastardly)
  • TIME WASTER DESTROYER: Every episode of South Park. Ever. Wow. (All South Park via Gorillamask)

SIZZLER: Where In the World Is Carmen & Navarro?

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carmendave.jpgSad news comes to us today from the world of True Love, in the form of an announcement that model/actress Carmen Electra and her rocker husband Dave Navarro are “amicably seperating”, which is publicist-speak for “if Dave bangs another random bimbo, Carmen would have no choice but to cut off his tattooed weiner, the illegality of which might jeopardize the acting career she’s been trying to get off the ground for the past decade”. How their undying love, which was symbolically celebrated inside a coffin on a reality show, could have come to such an abrupt demise is beyond human comprehension. Though I have a hunch that Dave’s latest love interest has more than a little to do with it.

The Rise and Fall of Adrien Brody

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Think back to a few years ago, when Adrien Brody was Hollywood’s “It Boy”. With his Oscar in hand, and Halle’s saliva in his piehole, the guy was on top of the world. A little while later, some of you may have seen a thin layer of glitter covering the ground, remnants of Brody’s star falling. But nothing — nothing — could prepare us for the item in today’s Page Six: Brody was seen “snuggling” with Ukranian ice skater/drunk driver Oksana Baiul at a pre-ESPY party in LA. While Brody is denying the claim (and you know Oksan-san is throwing a mail-order-bride fit in some random hotel room right now), just the idea of it is still quite scarring.

Then it occurred to us: Has Adrien Brody’s career really taken a turn this far south? Wethinks yes. And in order to prove out point, we’ve created a painfully accurate, highly mathematical graph, which we’ve called “Adrien Brody’s Fame-O-Meter”, to prove our point. To wit:

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CLICK ON THE PICTURE TO ENLARGE!

Is it too late for Brody to climb back to the top? Will his upcoming movie with Ben Affleck, Hollywoodland, allow him to reclaim his status as a leading man? You decide!

ICYMI: Bush Talks Sh*t

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I’m sure you’ve heard by now that President Bush, whilst discussing Hezbollah with British PM Tony Blair during the G8 Summit, got busted talking all raw thanks to the nearby microphone he didn’t realize was hot. Check it out!

Paul Scheer & Rob Huebel: Doing It In The Park

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ucb.bmpBWE‘s own Paul Scheer and Rob Huebel are hosting a FREE night of stand-up and sketch comedy at Central Park’s Summerstage this Wednesday. Todd Barry, Aziz Ansari, Jackie Clarke and a bunch of other performers will be there to entertain you under the stars and… did I mention it’s FREE?!? You’d be insane not to go.

Click below for directions on how to get there. The show starts at 7:30, doors open at 6:30 (it’s first come, first serve.) Or click here to read The Amazing Abs Of The Al-Qaeda and other rejected Men’s Health Articles from Paul. I think you should do both.

Read more…

LISTEN UP: BWE’s Daily Dose of the Best Music Ever

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  • My Old Kentucky Blog is celebrating his Top 25 albums of the half-year by posting an mp3 from each one. We’re talking everything from Band Of Horses to Midlake to Voxtrot to Regina Spektor and more.
  • The Music Slut is celebrating a New Wave Monday with tracks by The Smiths, The Cure and New Order. What more do you need?
  • If you’re a hopeless romantic you should head over to You Aint No Picasso and download “The Idea Of Growing Old” by The Features. And if you’re not, download it anyway.
  • Kingblind has The Raconteurs covering Bowie, as well as tracks by Spoon and Elf Power. But you already clicked the link once you saw Raconteurs + Bowie.
  • Mashups? Samples? There’s so much going on in these Girl Talk songs I don’t know what to call them. Just head over to Yeti Don’t Dance and give them a listen now.

SIZZLER: The One Where Jennifer Aniston Sucks It Up

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aniston61.jpgWe-he-hell. Look who’s crawlin’ back to the masses: Jennifer Aniston! We remember back to last year when the newly divorced Aniston refused to get together for a Friends reunion, citing that she wished to “distance” herself from her character, Rachel Green. For weeks, America fell to its knees, begging with a deafening insistence “Jen! Please! Come back to us! We need ya!” But she left us cold, dreaming of simpler days, days of easily-copied haircuts and wading through city fountains with our best buds.

But now, Aniston is whistling a different tune. All of a sudden, she thinks it would be “fun” to do a Friends reunion. Fun! She speculates that she might enjoy a Thanksgiving reunion. Hey, Jen, do you think we’d forget? Forget how callously you left us hanging? Why don’t you explain to the hole in my heart where you’ve been for the past two years, eh, Jennifer? How dare you toy with the hearts and souls of the American people like that? Didn’t you hear? There’s a war going on. Yeah – a war. This is no time to drop rumors that maybe you might be interested in a Friends Reunion special.

Oh God. What have we done? Jenny, baby, doll, we’re kidding! We need you. The world needs you! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be rocking myself back and forth in the corner of my bedroom crying with Matt LeBlanc.