Laaaadieeeees! Are you wondering where your husband is late at night? Why, when you go to kiss him in the evening — to quote my favorite Maury Povich guest of all time — “his mouth smells like straight-up p****”? Well, maaaaybe it’s because you’re a worthless housewife who can’t make a cup of coffee worth a damn. If this sounds like you, watch the following Folger’s commercial from the 1950′s, and try your best to scrap together the final dregs of your failed relationship.
Christina makes one hell of a Ringleader… but the bearded lady definitely has some work to do.
Your turn. Leave your Captions in the Comments now!
On the latest intallment of the P. Diddy’s bizarre YouTube podcast series Diddy TV, the Bad Boy mogul makes us privy to his time in the privy, and allows us to witness the entire glorious experience of relieving himself of last night’s Cristal. It’s truly a sight to behold (just be sure wash your hands, and your eyes, afterwards):
- John Mark Karr wanted Johnny Depp to portray him in a movie based on a manuscript he authored. The tentative title: Not-Quite-21 Jump Street.
- Mick Jagger uses an auto-cue machine on stage to help him remember the words to his songs. The idea was inspired by the auto-cue machine above his mattress.
- Paris Hilton is infuriating movie bosses by refusing to work with any of the leading men picked for her new film The Hottie And The Nottie. Something something something, I bet she still f**ked them.
- Kate Hudson and Chris Robinson have reportedly reunited just two weeks after they split. Presumably because nobody was interested in another Chris Robinson solo project.
- Angelina Jolie may have upset Brad Pitt’s mom by having an open bar at Maddox’s fifth birthday party. Angelina argues that she didn’t have a choice- she had to find a way to top the strippers she brought in last year.
It’s Best Night Ever for Monday, August 28th! Shea Hess is here to walk you through the best of Monday night tv, including Prison Break, Vanished, and Wife Swap!
- SPORTS ENDORSEMENTS: While Madonna is busy designing cheap polyester track suits for entry-level pimps, Jennifer Aniston collaboes with Nike… and not in an ad for Tampax, thankfully.
- REMINDER OF LIFE’S CRUELTIES: The Academy Awards won their 34th Emmy yesterday (which, in our opinion, is like giving a Webby Award to the Nobel Prize website), making the Oscars only second to Frasier, who has the most Emmy wins at 37. And somewhere, a shriveled, miniature David Hyde Pierce sheds a tear for his livelihood.
- EERIE-TO-AMAZING RESEMBLANCE: At first, we were upset that Ashlee Simpson would dare alter her natural beauty with plastic surgery. But hell – the girl looks like Heidi Klum! Sign us up.
- BECAUSE CLEAVAGE HAS TO GO SOMEWHERE: Clothes Off Our Backs is already auctioning off Emmy dresses from last night. Don’t worry, gents, you can even buy Jeremy Piven‘s sunglasses! (Hair plugs not included.)
- BLOGGER THANK YOU: We realize you’ve been inundated with Emmy coverage today. As a thank you, enjoy this video of a dog walking in boots. (with thanks to The Apiary)
Nip slips and Conan and awkwardness, oh my! Last night’s Emmys delivered all the amusing insanity of which Hollywood is uniquely capable. One of the evening’s choicest moments came before the show even started, in the form of this utterly uncomfortable exchange between E!‘s personality-less red carpet personality Billy Bush and Entourage star Jeremy Piven, who casually humiliates the grinning tabloid trash-talker with the same smug cynicsm he would be awarded for bringing to his character Ari Gold later in the evening.
Brody Jenner and Nicole Richie– two people who are famous for waking up every morning and saying “Thanks dad” are rumored to be dating. They’ve been seen together a few times, and on Friday were spotted… holding hands! That’s a bit short of “canoodling”, for those of you scoring at home.
So what does this mean? Well, it officially means that Mr. Jenner has reached that certain level of fame where he no longer has to slum it with fat chicks. No more heffers like Kristin Cavallari, from here on out his women will be lean and mean like Nicole. So we congratulate you, Brody. Way to shed that excess fat.
I’m not sure whether or not I like Jared Leto’s dark and edgy new mascara-heavy “metal” look (I’ll always think of him as the cute-but-stupid Jordan Catalano who first stole our hearts), but something about his new get-up sure seems familiar….Or maybe he’s just preparing for a new role?
The following things should all make your Tivo’s shift a little in their tiny pants:
- K-Fed will be making his small screen acting debut! Federline will be playing completely against his stereotype (read: foppish dandy), instead portraying a thug who “hassles” people on “CSI.” We’re air quoting that last one as we assume it’s not the hit drama Crime Scene Investigation, but rather hit cable access show Crunk Stamina Index.
- Fans of people with big heads and famous parents, rejoice!
- Leslie Nielsen is returning to TV! He’s signed on for NBC’s highly anticipated* upcoming comedy Lipshitz Saves the World. *We may be the only ones to care, but we care deeply.
- In other TV news, reanimated corpses — we mean Posh Spice — will also get her own TV show, this time handing out fashion advice to unkempt Americans. The name of the show? How to Stop Eating and Get Raped in 10 Days.
- MTV’s Video Music Awards will be handing out an award to the Best Cell Phone Ring. We’re placing all our money on Beethoven‘s Symphony No. 5 as the clear winner… What was that? Oh… Fergie is nominated too? Oh. Sorry Beethoven. Maybe next year.