SIZZLER!!! SURI CRUISE REVEALED!

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Cruise1Thumbnail.JPGSuri Cruise has been revealed! (Click on thumbnails to enlarge) Katie Couric made her debut on the CBS Evening News tonight, and as part of all the hoopla, the network got an exclusive first look at The Second Most Famous Celebrity Baby in the World©, Suri Cruise. And, sad to say, the baby is not an alien, as we had predicted. No, in fact, she’s pretty gorgeous. Which is why we’re so pissed. This is what we were waiting for? A beautiful, peaceful, human baby, void of any third eyes, cleft palettes, or Edward James Olmos-like acne scarring?! We have now officially placed all of our bets on dyslexia… but we’ll have to wait a good 11 years to find out for sure. And now, without further ado, blurry pics of Suri Cruise:

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Oh, and if this post is down in the morning, and no one ever hears from me again, please assume I have been snipered by some very high powered lawyers/scien… well, you know. We’ll have better versions of these pics tomorrow when they’re “officially” released.

…Of The Day

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  • ALBUM RELEASE: Forget about Paris, I want the remix album complete with topless artwork and 40 minutes of lines like “Why am I famous?” over generic beats. Some say better than the original.(Stereogum)
  • T&FC: Whether she was getting groped her boyfriend or flashing the infamous Firecrotch, Lindsay Lohan was all over the internets today. (IDLYITW & PerezHilton)
  • FAR FROM RAVE REVIEW: If you enjoyed Dane Cook’s HBO special last night you’re directly responsible for the death of comedy. I’m just sayin’. (LATimes)
  • WHO KNEW?: Apparently some chick is taking over the CBS evening news tonight and that’s, like, a big deal or something. I guess. (Jossip)
  • HOSTAGE SITUATION: When Kid Rock & Jeremy Piven storm the stage and take over a concert, you’re not going anywhere. Whether you like it or not. (Defamer)

SIZZLER: Brangelina 3-Way With Jen!?!

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brangelina3way.jpgYou know, many people say “art is dead” (mostly pretentious idiots), but those people have clearly not seen a bronze statue depicting Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston engaging in hot 3-way sex. That, my friends, is art that is very much alive. According to Digital Spy (via TV Squad), Brooklyn-based artist Daniel Edwards, who you might remember as the master behind the Britney Spears Birthing Sculpture (so I was wrong about that whole “end this trend” thing), and who is quickly becoming the Picasso of the paparazzi-whores, is applying his visual talents to something the world actually wants to see: 3 hot people boning. So simple it just might be genius. Just as long as the piece doesn’t depict Vince Vaughn sullenly beating off in the background.

LISTEN UP: Aristocrunk

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  • Over at their MySpace page, you can download a few ditties from the dandies in Lord T and Eloise, the world’s first purveyors of “Aristocrunk”.
  • Fluxblog has new remixes from Stephen Malkmus, who also has a new album coming out, which also probably won’t be as good as Pavement.
  • YANP has a new track from Magnolia Electric Co, and a new “why doesn’t anyone appreciate good songwriters anymore?” rant to go along with it.
  • I still can’t get enough Bob Dylan, and thankfully Aquarium Drunkard can’t either, and posted a whole mess of outtakes from the Freewheelin’ Bob Dylan recordings.
  • Music For Kids Who Can’t Read Good says that newcomers Stars of Track and Field are beautiful people AND sound like Coldplay. Go listen and try to determine which contradicting description is accurate.

UPGRADE/DOWNGRADE: Celebs On TV

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studio 60.jpgSummer’s over, and that means two things. 1) It’s time to start counting down the days until your Christmas vacation, and 2) TV’s about to get good again. Finally. Besides all of your favorite shows that are returning, there’s a ton of new crap starring some pretty talented actors and actresses that’ll be hitting the airwaves this fall. Soon you’ll be able to find celebrities all over the dial and not just in the Surreal Life house. A ton of big names are hitting the small screen, however as we’ve come to learn throughout the years not all of them will be sticking around. Some celebs you pull for– you want them (and their show) to stick around for years and years: Upgrade! Others, you’d rather they disappear for a while before their inevitable return to Celebreality in 2012: Downgrade!

So who do you want to see live long and… prosper? Vote now!

ICYMI: Live From New York, Brit & K-Fed Not Very Bright!

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Just when you thought you’d finally scrubbed off all that post-VMA celeb slime, we’re going to go ahead and post this clip from Britney and K-Fed, whose attempt at self-parody was so terribly bizarre, MTV has pulled it from all future broadcasts of the awards show. We mentioned it during our VMA live-blogging, but you should definitely see it again for the first time.

EXCLUSIVE: Jessica Does Her Best Ashlee Impression on The View; Did She Just… Lip-Sync???

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When Jessica Simpson lost her voice last week, it threw a wrench in her plans to promote her new album A Public Affair. She had to cancel a few performances, which her record label (and father) couldn’t have been happy about.

Today, Jessica was scheduled to usher in the Rosie O’Donnell era of The View by performing on the daytime talk show. Jessica nailed the interview and sounded incredible during her performance; everything was going great. That is, until Rosie came over to talk to Jess following the song… when we learned her mic wasn’t on.

Rosie, welcome to The View. Jessica… welcome to hell.

Magnum Condoms Come In Lohandy for Lindsay

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magnumhotpocket.JPGDumpster divers rejoiced when one sneaky dirt-encrusted scoundrel came to the surface with Lindsay Lohan‘s supermarket receipt. The surprises: Lindsay enjoys her Nyquil by the tumbler-full. We’re sure that’s because the girl is struck down with 14 colds a day, and that it has nothing to do with Nyquil’s horse tranquilizer-like side-effects. Lohan, always the classy broad, also likes to kick back with a personal portioned bottle of white zinfandel, while “cleaning her carpet” with “Daisy Fresh”, which sounds like straight up douche. Then again, Lindsay is a girl of the peoples. And how better to prove it than with a delectable 2 course meal of Doritos and Mac & Cheese. And Hot Pockets become surprisingly useful for those nights when Lindsay’s “not in the mood.” Feyonce-Knowles Harry Morton can snap on a magnum and plow his way into its unkosher goodness. We are just thankful that no one is blogging about our supermarket receipts, which prove that 4,800 tampons, a box of prune juice, and a single bullet for our evening round of Russian Roulette do not a lady make.

The Pouty Princess: A Photo Essay of Rejection & Loss

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After last week’s VMAs, Team Firecrotch joined Pee Diddy to hit Manhattan’s circuit of starf*cking orgies after-parties. However, this terrible trio’s champagne-fueled fun came to an abrubt halt outside of Lohan-HQ Bungalow 8, when the New York Fuzz explained that the party was already too full and even Ridiculous Royalty such as themselves would not be granted entrance (a fate usually suffered only by the likes of Tara Reid). Here’s a series of captioned photographs illustrating this tragedy.

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The Terrible Trio arrives at the mob scene outside of Bungalow 8 – Paris ready to party and say “hot” a lot, Brandon Davis ready to tell us more about Lindsay Lohan’s red pubic hair, and Diddy ready to film himself doing some weird sh*t later to be posted on YouTube.

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