Our friends over at CRACKED have compiled a pretty YouTubular list of the “5 Most Obviously Drug-Fueled TV Appearances Ever”. These are really fun to watch, but some glaring omissions include The Hoff on American Idol, Alan Thicke on that celebrity cooking show that got cancelled, and Liz Taylor on pretty much every Academy Awards program in the last 50 years. Here’s a sneak peek, but be sure to enjoy them all – and say no to drugs (especially if you’re Crispin Glover)!
If you are not a fan of pornography, or if you have an actual realtown day job, might we suggest that you stop reading this post immediately. For the rest of you, divert your attention away from the porno flick you’re watching and check this out! The nakies world of filmmaking has responded to the highly successful YouTube phenomenon with their own herpes-infested version: Pornotube. All the videos are free, and uploading your own amateurish clips couldn’t be any more simplex, too. We have literally spent hours surfing through their clips (research, folks, relax), and let us tell you there is some high quality porking going on, involving oodles of girls who were likely-to-obvs molested by their dads, and men who just love to get laid. File Pornotube under “ideas we wish we had if we weren’t so busy watching porno.”
And for those readers under 18, don’t even try going to the site. There’s a highly clever barrier set up to prevent your perusal, so clever, in fact, that one would have to lie about their age to get past it. Saw-rryyyyy.
- Pull off your cadigan sweaters, pick up your Camus, and put on some SPF 80 sunblock, because Skatterbrain has posted the Totally Twee Super Summer Mega Mix.
- The Smudge of Ashen Fluff takes their bizarre name and hops on The Bicycles bandwagon. Go pop a wheelie!
- *Sixeyes has a sick sixpack with six songs from the Spinto Band. Say that really fast six times.
- Said the Gramophone gives you a nice Sunset Rubdown with a new track from the Wolf Parade frontman’s side project.
- I know it’s not really an mp3, but the Radiohead’s “No Surprises” & Paul Thomas Anderson’s “Punch-Drunk Love” mash-up video over at EC,EU is too awesome to ignore.
Why, his or her profile carved into a block of wood, of course! TurnYourHead.com takes a digital image of your profile, and then carves it into a block of wood, making your classic “Is it a vase or identical twins making out?” optical illusion come to life. The result is a pretty cool way to immortalize your post-caveman browbone, and it’s the perfect gift for celebrities already obsessed with their appearance. In fact, try to get the vase carved pre-plastic surgery! How much fun would it be for Ashlee Simpson to put her new WASP-y mug into her old profile’s sillouhette, proving she in fact can fit her fist in the negative space. It’s like an ugly girl’s version of fat pants! (Link via PopGadget)
Those of you who doubt Paris Hilton‘s talent, have we got news a-for you. Paris will be hosting a brand new television show called Americaâ€™s Cutest Pup, where contestants battle it out to see who has the cutest dog. Hilton won’t be the only host. She’ll be upstaged — j-joined by her chihuahua, Tinkerbell. Paris simply adoooores Tinkerbell, takes her everywhere! To the park, nightclub bathrooms, baby sacrifices, the yoozh! But how does Tinkerbell feel about all this? Well, we’ve done our research, and we’d like to present you with the many faces of Paris Hilton’s dog.
Really psyched to be alive.
- Ashton Kutcher claims that he and girlfriend Demi Moore never get into arguments. Probably because the last time they did, she ended up grounding him for a week with no TV.
- Brandon Davis drunkenly got onstage at a Paris Hilton promo event to make some more lame “firecrotch” jokes, yet again. He’s sort of become the Dexys Midnight Runners of sucky pseudo-celebs, now reduced to traveling around to casinos and bar mitzvahs, doing his “Come On Aileen” for anyone who will still listen.
- I don’t know what’s funnier about this video: Kelly Clarkson drinking Jack Daniels onstage with a bunch of Metal dudes. Or a bunch of Metal Dudes doing standup comedy onstage.
- An 11 year-old girl was crowned the first winner of America’s Got Talent last night, beating out freaks, fairies, jugglers and the distracting gloriousness of The Hoff’s watchful gaze.
- While promoting her crappy new album, Paris Hilton has been giving impromptu motivational speeches, telling young girls they should not sleep around, which is the equivalent of Kieth Richards showing up with one of his famous Rum & Loritab punch drinks and telling you not to party.
It’s Best Night Ever for Thursday, August 17th! Dan Hopper is here to walk you through the best of Thursday night tv, including Queer Eye, Haunting, and America’s Got Talent!
- BREAKUP: Eve breaks things off with her African dictator boyfriend, Teodorin Obiang, after discovering his father is a cannibal. And I didn’t want to say anything, but her ex-boyf totally just e-mailed me about some cash that’s locked up in a Swiss bank account. And what’s wiring $75,000 to a real-life Prince for love, people? (NY Daily News)
- LOVER’S QUARREL: Brad Pitt tells Angelina Jolie that a part of him will always love Jennifer Aniston. It’s the same part of him that longs to spoon with Ross Geller. (The Bosh)
- BEST HEADLINE: “Haley Joel Osment Officially Charged With Murder Of 11-Year-Old Saturn” (Defamer)
- UNNECESSARY MATCHBOX 20 UPDATE: Rob Thomas steps his douche factor up a crotch, writing songs for American Idol reject Chris Daughtry‘s album. (MTV News)
- GIFT IDEA FOR THE OBESE: Jared “The Subway Guy” debuts his new book Winning Through Losing. It’s a tale about how this fat dude discovers coldcuts and a treadmill, and includes a 17-foot-long centerfold that doubles as “fat pants”. (Adfreak)
- CARCASS: Star Jones found dead in Maine? Oh, I… I see. Never mind. (AP #1, AP #2)
So You Think You Can Dance named their winner last night, a weak-chinned doozy named Benji, whose hobbies include soft-shoeing and over-emoting. While the following video of the big finale is a little amateur porny, there are a few things that remain clear: This is the high-point of Benji’s life, this is the high-point of Benji’s Dad’s life (he’s the one carrying the portable LCD ticker that says “All About The Benji’s!”), and most importantly, Celine Dion knows how to read.
Check out this picture of a certain bloated celebrity chef… can you guess who it is? The answer is after the jump!