Fat People v. Skinny People: Tonight at 8!

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LOSERMODEl.JPGTwo of our favorite shows are premiering tonight. At 8 pm, NBC brings us their “super-sized” (ugh, those puns they use) 2 hour premiere of The Biggest Loser, the most negatively titled inspirational show in history. And also at 8 pm, America’s Next Top Model premieres on the brand new CW Network, a season opener that is said to be “diva-licious” (read: Pretty girls with GED’s on their periods.) It almost seems too good to be true. Biggest Loser and Top Model head to head at 8! What’s the solution?

We love The Biggest Loser, because they take ordinary overweight people, and turn them into really surprisingly hot people with hearts of gold in a matter of months. (And side note, Matt and Suzy from last year’s season got married yesterday! Tears!) Our plan: To watch Model for some good laughs, tune in to Loser for a good cry, then either pass out or choke to death on chocolate Twizzlers.

It’s An Honor Just To Be… What Were We Talking About Again?

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doug.jpgAfter 101 episodes, thousands of segments, dozens of comedians and at least 3 or 4 solid laughs, Best Week Ever has finally gotten the recognition it deserves. An Emmy nod? Nope, f-that. We’re nominated for a Pot Head Award!!!

The nominees for the High Times Stony Awards were announced today, and BWE was nominated for Best TV Show alongside other stoner favorites Chappelle’s Show, Entourage, Family Guy, Saturday Night Live, and (obviously) Weeds. Entourage bested all TV shows with 4 nominations, while the ‘hit’ film Grandma’s Boy earned a Stony-topping 6 nods. And who ever said pot heads don’t know what they’re doing?

The Stonys will be handed out on October 24th by Redman and Doug “Marijuana-logues” Benson (I smell fix!) here in NY. We’re hoping for a statue, but honestly, if we don’t win it won’t be the end of the world. We’ve always considered ourselves more of a show for lushes and drunks anyway.

Vanity Fair Nabs World’s Most Exclusive Borat Photo

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VANFAIRCOV2.JPGThis November, you best camp out in front of your local newsstand if you have any interest in scoring an exclusive copy of Vanity Fair‘s upcoming issue, featuring the world’s first exclusive shocking peek at Kazakhstani rabble-rouser Borat, aka Sasha Baron Cohen. This is completely true. Borat will be on the cover of Vanity Fair, and, well, we’re rejoicing. One can only pray that the picture will feature his curly-headed moustachioed grin being gently caressed by the lining of Tom Cruise‘s jacket. We’ve never been happier to see a Jewish Jew-hater make it so far.

Also, if you have a moment, read through Borat’s Wikipedia page, which gives a lot of insight as to how Cohen stays in character. Like he never washes his suit, so as to retain that Eastern European aroma. Borat: Putting the B.O. in HBO.

A Brief Guide to “New Media Marketing”

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defaker_header.jpgWhat follows is a dramatization of how things like this happen.

TV EXEC: Okay, we’re set to launch our multi-platform 40 bajillion dollar media marketing blitz to make sure every single soul in America understands that Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip is Must Motherf*cking See TV. But what about these iBlogs and MyTubes and YouSpaces I keep hearing about on the World Wide Webernets. Is there anything we can do with that stuff?

TV EXEC 2: What’s a blog?

TV EXEC: Hmm, I have no idea. (hits button on phone) Joshua!

Read more…

ICYMI: Elisha Cuthbert Is Moderately Attractive

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I can’t think of a single relevant reason or excuse to post this video of Elisha Cuthbert from Kontraband. The Girl Next Door came out over 2 1/2 years ago, her newest movie tanked, and every 24 fan on Earth was rooting for her character to inhale some of that toxic gas when it was unleashed in CTU last season. So there’s absolutely no reason whatsoever to post a slightly NSFW compilation video of the hottest scenes from her movies, interviews, and photoshoots. None at all. I’m not going to do it.

Whoops. That was an accident.

Britney’s Inferno

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Britney Spears’ record producer was recently quoted as saying her new album would “take her to the next level”, causing us to assume that he could only be referring to the various levels of her recent purgatorial prison. But as our entire knowledge of Purgatory and the 7 Deadly Sins was gleaned from what we learned by watching Se7en, we brought in a Britney/Dante specialist to create the following diagram of the levels (or “deadly sins”) demonstrating Britney Spears’ “Earthly Paradise”. Roll your cursor over each level for a complete explanation, but we assure you it’s scarier than anything Dante himself could have come up with.

SNL Cast-Offs: New Season Sans Sanz

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Parnell.JPGAll SNL pink-slip speculation can come to a close, as the three cast members cut from the new season have now been made official. The three not returning are (somber and sensitive drumroll please): Horatio Sanz, Chris Parnell and Finesse Mitchell. Now, Sanz is a hilarious guy, but is well-known for breaking character mid-sketch — and while some of the sketches certainly needed a boost — once it became predictable, it lost its humor. (Worry not, Sanz still has time to prove himself in movies, next up of which is School for Scoundrels.) And we never really understood Finesse Mitchell… always the same effeminate character and rarely that funny (although the name Finesse seems highly appropriate.)

No, the biggest loss has got to be Parnell, who really used his years on the show to create a great cast of characters and solidify his name as one of the best cast members in the show’s history. (For the record, I felt that way waaay before Lazy Sunday, but it didn’t hurt.) The new season of SNL kicks off this month, and while Variety reports Dane Cook as the host of the season premiere on 9/30, NBC.com has Steve Martin hosting the real premiere this Saturday, September 23, so you can all breathe a sigh of douche-lief. Dane Cook is hosting the premiere after all. (Fancy graphics confuse us.) So… there’s that to look forward to.

After the jump, relive with us one of our favorite Parnell sketches of all time, the Britney Spears Dance Audition.

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ICYMI: Bush Saves

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There is just so much completely f’ed up stuff about this ABC News piece on a “Jesus Camp” where kids speak in tongues, pray to end abortion and worship a picture of George W. Bush, I can’t even bring myself to make a joke about it. Yet another reason why Civilization Is Doomed.

Finger-Lickin’ Racism?

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BEYONCEPOPEYES.JPGTonight, London’s classy Royal Albert Hall will play host to the Music Of Black Origin Awards (“Mobos”), a ceremony that will feature guests such as Beyonce and Coolio (side note: Coolio, we miss you.) But instead of serving up a gourmet three-course meal, as any attendant would naturally expect, organizers are instead serving a poultry meal made of of £3.95 chicken wings and Krispy Kreme donuts. And, realizing that Beyonce is a lady of the highest fast-food order, planners are having Popeye’s Fried Chicken flown in from the U.S., as a polite reminder of what disgusting fat pigs we Americans are. (Also, we feel for the Popeye’s courier assigned to this mission.)

Our initial reaction to this news was surprise… it’s almost so offensive as to be ironic. Much like our good friend Morty Shandelback, whose Bar Mitzvah buffet had a special table where you could grind your own gefilte fish (M&M topping optional.) So, fried chicken at the Mobos is an attempt at irony… right?