SIZZLER: The One Where Jennifer Aniston Sucks It Up

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aniston61.jpgWe-he-hell. Look who’s crawlin’ back to the masses: Jennifer Aniston! We remember back to last year when the newly divorced Aniston refused to get together for a Friends reunion, citing that she wished to “distance” herself from her character, Rachel Green. For weeks, America fell to its knees, begging with a deafening insistence “Jen! Please! Come back to us! We need ya!” But she left us cold, dreaming of simpler days, days of easily-copied haircuts and wading through city fountains with our best buds.

But now, Aniston is whistling a different tune. All of a sudden, she thinks it would be “fun” to do a Friends reunion. Fun! She speculates that she might enjoy a Thanksgiving reunion. Hey, Jen, do you think we’d forget? Forget how callously you left us hanging? Why don’t you explain to the hole in my heart where you’ve been for the past two years, eh, Jennifer? How dare you toy with the hearts and souls of the American people like that? Didn’t you hear? There’s a war going on. Yeah – a war. This is no time to drop rumors that maybe you might be interested in a Friends Reunion special.

Oh God. What have we done? Jenny, baby, doll, we’re kidding! We need you. The world needs you! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be rocking myself back and forth in the corner of my bedroom crying with Matt LeBlanc.

ICYMI: The Real Jerri Blank

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jerriblank.jpgFans of Strangers With Candy might wonder where wacky genius Amy Sedaris came up with the ex-prostitute, ex-druggy character that is Jerri Blank. Those of you assuming Jerri was born out of sheer creative brilliance might be a little surprised to see real-life ex-prosty/druggy Florrie Fisher. In the following vintage clip, Florrie lectures high school students on the dangers of LSD, including the time she was flung off a horse and needed an emergency laminectomy, and the startling tale of a “straight-B” student nearly plunging to her death. It must be seen multiple times to be believed.

It’s July 17th; What’s up?

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fresh meat.JPGIt feels like summer. It’s hot, people smell bad, and there’s not a lot on TV tonight. Yep, we’re entering those dog days, folks.

Now if you want to stay inside and enjoy your AC tonight, what’s there to watch? Well, you can’t go wrong with Hell’s Kitchen on Fox, or TNT’s Monday night lineup consisting of Saved and The Closer. ABC Family has a new episode of everybody’s favorite belly-button-less freak Kyle XY, while VH1 updates you on the wherabouts of your favorite Celebrity Fit Clubers with a special Where Are They Now? Me? I’ll be watching the new Real World/ Road Rules Challenge and Fast Inc. on MTV. What are YOU watching during this long, hot summer night? Vote now!

Your Daily Hoff

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One of the greatest things about the Internet is all the wacky David Hasselhoff miscellany it contains. You’ll just be all clicking around, minding your own business, and suddenly – BAM! – you’re confronted with some random video you never even knew existed that features The Hoff doing something just mind-blowingly insane and Hoff-like. If only the rest of life offered the same sort of unexpected treasures….

(via Defamer)

ICYMI: It’s a LAugh RIOT!

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If you thought the LA Riots were serious, think again. Or don’t think at all.

Is this movie, The L.A. Riot Spectacular really real? I mean come on; A comedy based on the 1992 LA Riots!?!? And did they really use footage of 9/11 in reverse in the trailer? Is Emilio Estevez really prominently involved? Does Michael Buffer really say “Let’s get ready to riot!!!”? The answer is Yes. Just see for yourself.

Wow. Well, it’s still not offensive as Little Man, I guess.

ICYMI: War Is Over (If You Blog It)

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lennon-pic05.jpgDespite it’s conservative spin and sensationalistic headlines, chances are you visit The Drudge Report at least semi-regularly. It’s a quick and easy way to see what’s going on in the world at any given moment. But have you ever wished that, instead of breathless headlines reporting the end of days with lots of exclamation points, the site could link to stories about ways in which the world might be changed positively, through peace and love, perhaps using the life and death of John Lennon as an exemplary model from which we might hope to learn and grow? Well thank goodness for gimmicky movie promotions, because this hippie daydream is now a reality – introducing The Grudge Report. Instant Karma’s gonna getcha!

From the Dept. of Trailer Mashups: 8 1/2 Mile

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The fine folks over at the AV Club give us a glimpse into the hard knock life of Marcello Mastroianni in their mash-up trailer for 8 1/2 Mile. Frankly, you could put Eminem‘s “Lose Yourself” over live footage of flies banging and we’d still be motivated for an intense Reebok Slide class, but still… this is pretty hilare.

CINEMA’S GOLDEN AGE: Sunken Treasure

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little_man.jpg1. At this very moment, Disney bosses are trying to calculate whether or not the Magic Kingdom’s Captain Eo ride could pull in this kind of cash – $62.2 million

2. I can’t decide who’s dumber: the hapless couple who can’t figure out Marlon Wayans isn’t actually an infant, or the people who went to see this who can’t figure out Marlon Wayans is actually an infant – $21.7 million

3. I don’t know about you, but me and Dupree are probably gonna skip this one – $21.3 million

4. Superman Returns, but not with profits – $11.6 million

5. The Devil might wear Prada, but Jesus only wears Land’s End – $10.5 million

Project Runway: The Copycat Is Out of the Designer Bag!

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Fans of Project Runway and bitchy gay guys, brace yourselves: Season 3 contestant Keith Michael, he of the face like a bird (fine, a cute bird), may have cheated on his Project Runway application. A sharp eye over at Television Without Pity notes the similarities between many of Keith’s portfolio designs compared with those of some major designers, such as Lacoste and Marni. Keith, who fulfills my longtime fantasy of Jude Law and Greg Kinnear making delicious manlove and then producing a skinny, elf-like child, won last week’s challenge with a pretty halter dress stitched out of some blue bedsheets. But according to last week’s previews, we know something major goes down on Wednesday night’s episode, as Tim Gunn‘s brows appear to knit a 13-ply cashmere cardi. (i.e. He looks pissed.) Look at these pics, then decide:

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Left: Keith, Right: Giambattista Valli Spring 2006

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Left: Keith, Right:Lacoste Spring 2006

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Left: Keith, Right: Marni Spring 2006

And you thought Alien Basket Hats would be the highlight of the season! So whaddya think: Will Keith be “Auf’d” from this week’s episode?

While You Were Hating The Heat Wave

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  • Avril Lavigne and the lead singer of Sum 41 tied the knot over the weekend. Their wedding song was presumably horrible.
  • Jessica Simpson’s dad denies spying on his daughter’s ex-husband Nick Lachey. But spying on his daughters? Guilty as charged!
  • Naomi Campbell trashed her boyfriend’s yacht after an argument, causing nearly $50,000 worth of damage. You see, that’s exactly why I don’t let Naomi Campbell hang out on my yacht.
  • Previously sealed court documents reveal that Michael Jackson’s nickname for Macaulay Culkin was “doo doo head”, and Macaulay would call Michael “apple head.” But don’t worry, I’m sure they had great makeup sex.
  • Members of a US Marine crew are being questioned after allegedly crashing their helicopter while trying to catch a glimpse of Kate Hudson in a bikini. Not surprising at all. You should have seen the destruction they caused during the opening weekend of How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days.
  • Nelly Furtado is now openly bisexual. And on that note, I am now openly a Nelly Furtado fan.