I really can’t stress enough how happy it makes me that David Hasselhoff has finally resumed his rightful place at the forefront of mainstream American culture. Every day is like Christmas Eve when you know that The Hoff is out there, dreaming up crazy new hijinx to dazzle and delight us with. His latest shenanigan is an old Hasselhoff classic – before boarding a flight from London to LA, The Hoff apparently checked a bottle of scotch in his stomach, resulting in a state of beautiful Hoff-like wastedness that the flight crew deemed unacceptable for international air travel. Those uptight Brits – don’t they know that Knight Rider should be allowed to unwind after a stressful morning with a lunchtime cocktail if he damned well pleases?
Our favorite source for underage nudity, the New York Post, reports this morning that Daniel Radcliffe, better known to millions of youngsters as Harry Potter, will be “waving his other wand” in a new stage production of the Peter Shaffer play Equus. I know that’s a lot to absorb, so take your time. Harry Potter will play “an emotionally disturbed boy who takes off his clothes and blinds horses,” which is now officially the greatest thing we’ve ever heard. It will also make a nice transition for little Radcliffe into the world of more adult roles involving horse-blinding and nude-prancing. First Dakota Fanning getting raped, now this… what could possibly be next?
We did, however, get a good laugh out of this eerily similar Onion headline: Second-Graders Wow Audience With School Production Of Equus
Straight outta Comic-Con, Film Wad has a couple of clips of the looooong awaited Simpsons movie, set to come out next year. The best quote that Simpsons geeks will be echoing for years to come? Homer’s “Why does everything I whip leave me?” Watch it now.
Link via Gorillamask
UPDATE: Apparently sneaking a video camera into a private screening and posting the footage on YouTube is not cool. Who would’ve thunk it? The video’s been removed.
- “The Hoff” tells his wife to stop “Hassling” him about his excessive drinking and physical abuse, and files for divorce.
- The Girls Gone Wild bus hits a man on a bicycle after a night of excessive gas guzzling and showing its huge tires to the world.
- Pam Anderson and Kid Rock plan on getting married once for each time they’ve released a sex tape. (i.e. many times)
- Easily Broken News: Kate Bosworth is SuperSkinny. Like, she’s practically a walking x-ray. On the bright side, that purse looks healthy!
- The Office creator Ricky Gervais announces he’s quitting comedy. Move over Princess Di — there’s a new British tragedy in town!
I learned everything I know about sex in the 90′s. I bet I’m not alone. Thanks to television shows like the aptly named Sex In The 90′s and movies like Blown Away, I left the decade well informed and very prepared. But as nice as it was picking up tips from The Dog Brothers and The Coreys, I never actually received any sex advice from 90′s icons. Until today.
Alexis Tirado and the folks over at Nerve.com lined up some well-known 90′s icons to help out the youth of today. The list includes Dustin “Screech” Diamond, Susan Powter, Jake “Squirt TV” Fogelnest, Dan Renzi from Real World: Miami, and the infamous Wiley Wiggins, best known as Mitch from Dazed & Confused. You’d think Screech would the be highlight of this thing, but no. Mr. Wiggins steals the show.
Did President Clinton’s affair with Monica Lewinsky make oral sex more acceptable?
You’re asking me was oral sex less acceptable in the ’80s than it was in the ’90s? I have no idea. I could never get anybody to go down on me when I was ten. All the girls in my elementary school were prudes.
Mine too, Mitch. Mine too. Read the whole thing here.
It’s Best Night Ever for Wednesday, July 26th! Shea Hess is here to walk you through the best of Wednesday night tv, including Rockstar, America’s Got Talent, and Project Runway!
- SELF-PROMOTING LIST: Rolling Stone ranks the Top 500 songs of All-Time, putting Bob Dylan‘s “Like a Rolling Stone” and the Rolling Stones’ “Satisfaction” as numbers 1 and 2. Ranked third? Little known band Oversized Magazine‘s song “Rolly, the Stone that Rolled.”
- McMIRACLE: Katherine McPhee beats her medically diagnosed McLaryngitis and returns to the American Idol tour. 11-year-old girls and 45-year-old men sigh in relief.
- REASON TO BUY TIVO: Rosie O’Donnell‘s debut on The View is set for Sept. 5, and her first guest will be Jessica Simpson. You know the poor thing is gonna run off the set in terry-cloth daisy dukes and tears. Jessica that is, not Rosie… we hope.
- POONMAN: Soundgarden has been slated to write the theme song to the new James Bond thriller, Casino Royale. The song is called “You Know My Name”, and if it’s anything like their anthem “Black Hole Sun”, we’ll be 13, awkward-looking, and friendless.
- CRINGE-INDUCING PHOTOMONTAGE: The latest issue of Details features a photo-quiz comparing faces of Food Network chefs enjoying a meal to porno stars in the throes of ecstasy. Seeing Rachel Ray make her “O” face is like being groped by a drunk uncle… try to avoid it if you can.
While filming her latest movie in LA, Lindsay Lohan had to be rushed to a local hospital where she was reportedly treated for “overheating and dehydration”. Though her condition could not have been too serious as she was spotted out that very same night in Hollywood, somehow rehabilitated and ready to paint the town all over again. As this is not Lindsay’s first fatigue-related hospital visit, we thought we’d use our medical expertise provide you with this brief guide to better understanding the real meaning behind all these confusing Lohan health care terms:
“Dehydration” – too much booze.
“Exhaustion” – too much blow.
“Overheating” – too much booze and blow on the beach.
We hope these practical explanations will ease any concerns you might have about the well-being of your favorite party-loving starlet. Rest assured, this is just another one of her patented “Lohangovers” – nothing a little water, some aspirin and six or seven Red Bull & vodkas can’t take care of.
In a new version of the classic Monopoly board game, players will use fake Visa Debit Cards instead of fake money to conduct their fake real estate transactions. We think this might be the greatest thing to happen to board games since Operation blew our minds back in the 80′s with its cutting-edge illuminated nose technology. Now even young children can get a head start on learning one of life’s most important lessons: even if you don’t have money to buy something, there are magical cards that allow you to purchase it anyway. Say you’ve got your eye on Marvin Gardens but the Community Chest just poked you with some stupid school tax that left you strapped until the next time you pass Go. No worries, bro – just charge that sh*t. Sure, the dude with a monopoly on Boardwalk may screw you on the fixed interest rate, but there’s always a Chance Card that you could be coming into an inheritance soon, and you can just pay off the debt then, no sweat! You might default on the loan and land yourself in jail, but sometimes in life – and Monopoly – you’ve just gotta roll the dice.
Overall, some great improvements – but here’s hoping that the next version of the game replaces Water Works with Speedy’s Fast Cash Checking Loans, and drops Electric Company in favor of American Consumer Credit Counseling. Also, it might not be a bad idea to get some loan sharks and gambling going around Baltic Avenue. That place is ghetto anyway.
Breaking! Check out this prophetic McDonald’s commercial from 2001. It features a fresh-faced and still closeted Lance Bass playing “Spin the Bottle” with the rest of Nâ€™Sync squad, plus a surprisingly well-kempt Britney Spears. The result of Lanceâ€™s over-eager bottle twirl isâ€¦ wellâ€¦ the final expression should sum it up nicely.