…OF THE DAY

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  • TOTALLY “PUNK” MOVE: Killers frontman Brandon Flowers is sorry for saying all those mean things about Fall Out Boy and Panic! At the Disco while feuding with them over whose generic brand of indie rock is most legit. (AOL Music News)
  • GOOD NEWS FOR FEZ: The New York Post says that we’re in the “Golden Age of the Insult”, which means that MTV’s Yo Momma host Wilmer Valderrama might still squeeze out a few more years of fame before he has to make his inevitable dying-career desperation sex tape. (NY Post)
  • RUNAWAY GROOM: It seems that George Michael’s fiancee Kenny Goss is having second thoughts about having and holding a husband whose idea of “parks and recreation” is pleasuring flabby middle-aged men in the woods. (A Socialite’s Life)
  • SEAN CONNERY TRIBUTE: Ken Jennings, the record-setting contestant Jeopardy! made so rich and famous, wrote a letter offering some sarcastic advice for ways to improve the show to which he owes his livelihood. Suck on that, Trebek! (TMZ)
  • HEADLINE DOUBLE-TAKE: Janet Jackson is rumored to be marrying boyfriend Jermaine. No, not THAT Jermaine! Then again, you never really know with this family. (The Bosh)

A Few Good MySpace Friends

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iwantyourwaste.JPGIf you’re on MySpace, chances are you get a lot friend requests from people you don’t actually know. Crappy bands, wannabe Maxim models and Dane Cook are always trying to sucker you into supporting their pitiful careers by adding your profile to their pointless collection of so-called “fans”. Well the latest desperate friend-seeker trying to cash in on this trend is none other than the US Marine Corp! Apparently frustrated with the waning success of traditional recruiting methods such as hanging around outside of high schools in poorer areas and showing those ridiculous TV commercials that make the military look like an episode of Alias, the Marines have taken their efforts online. If you approve them, maybe you’ll get verbally abusive comments from Full Metal Jacket-esque drill sergeants, fun bulletin surveys that look suspiciously like psychological examinations, and constant event invitations to this “awesome beach party” they’re throwing over in sunny Iraq. Hey, military recruiters – thanks for the add (and trip to Baghdad)!

SIZZLER: In Today’s Probably Untrue Break-Up News…

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janiston.jpgEvery day, magazines and blogs wax ho-etic about celebrity break-ups. Who’s together, who’s apart, who’s cheating, who’s so coked out of their brains they don’t even know what year it is. Here are today’s top 3 celebrity break-up rumors:

1. Jennifer Aniston Dumps Vince Vaughn. Likelihood? Nil. Aniston needs a big hunk-o-man to cry on, and Vaughn fits the bill perfectly. While the chemistry between these two is highly questionable, comedically and romantically, we’re convinced that another break-up in the public eye would drive normally nicotine-addled Aniston to murderously-sadistic levels of madness.

Read more…

LISTEN UP: BWE’s Daily Dose of the Best Music Ever

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  • You can head over to Mainstream Isn’t So Bad… Is It? to download five different versions of the song “Wild Thing.” But it doesn’t matter how many times you play it; Charlie Sheen does not appear.
  • Stereogum knows that reading about George Michael’s latest sex scandal puts you in the mood for some Wham! Naturally.
  • Everybody’s going to the Pitchfork Festival but me. Fabulist is going, which is why they posted tracks by the Silver Jews, Man Man, Art Brut and a bunch of other Pitchfork bands. Lucky.
  • Hey, want to hear a couple of 20-year-old songs by The Offspring? If the answer is yes, click over to Killed By Death Records.
  • And finally Rock Insider posted an “It’s F**king Hot As Balls Summer Mixtape” with tracks by M. Ward, Ratatat and more. Who wouldn’t want a mixtape with a title like that?

ICYMI: Timberlake As You’ve Never Seen Him Before

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While Justin Timberlake‘s video for Sexyback premiered on TRL today (and will be on MTV again tonight at 11 p.m.), the empty cavity I’m feeling in the pit of my soul tells me that my Justin fix has still not been satisfied. That’s when I discovered this video of Tiny Timb taken in 1991, when my darling was only 10 years old. Check out his little pants and tie combo! Ayyy pobrecito!

Happy Days Are Here Again!

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FONZ.jpgWell, look who’s too good to appear as Captain Hook on stage: David Hasselhoff! The vazline-chested hunk of yesteryear won’t be able to appear due to some TV conflicts (word has it he’s trying to get his own show, Travels With The Hoff. . . we’re not kidding!) So producers decided to cast the only C-list actor with the moxy and know-how to fill Hasselhoffs canoe-shoes: Henry Winkler, aka “The Fonz”. And at first, we were pretty jazzed!

Then we wondered: What must it be like to be Henry Winkler? What goes through the guy’s head, when you’re brought in as Hasselhoff’s replacement? So, using a team of underpaid analysts, we compiled a timeline of a typical day in the life of an American Hero…

A Day In The Life Of The Fonz

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It’s July 25th; What’s up?

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dirty jobs.jpgTuesday night TV has it all. Regular reality shows like The Real World and Big Brother? Check. Competitive reality shows like Rock Star: Supernova and The One? Of course. Stupid reality shows like Fear Factor and Queer Eye? Oh, you know it.

That’s not even close to all. With Rescue Me, Work Out, Last Comic Standing, Dirty Jobs and My Super Sweet 16 on tonight, you might need to go out and pick up a second TIVO asap. So what are YOU watching tonight? Vote now.

Technical Difficulties Having the Best Day Ever

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techDiff_032105.jpgDearest readers, we offer our utmost apologies for the fact that our beloved site has recently been crashing more than Lindsay Lohan on a Sunday morning. The problems appear to be the result of massive increases in traffic caused by Matthew McConaughey’s beachfront yoga session. We’re sorry if these technical difficulties have forced you to do any actual work today, and will resume our regularly scheduled program of distracting you with smarty-pants jokes about celebrities forthwith. Thanks for your patience.

Suspicious “Panel of Experts” Compiles 50 Greatest Films

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Hero (Dustin Hoffman).jpgThere’s always an air of fakery around an article that refers to a mysterious “panel of experts”, but there it is. Said “panel” compiled a list of “50 Films to See Before You Die” for the British digital channel Film 4. The list is after the jump, but there are some very immediate problems with it. For example: #27 is the movie Hero, yet they do not specify whether it is the Tom Cruise Pretends He’s Asian Hero or the Dustin Hoffman Makes A Bad Career Choice Hero. Here’s hoping it’s the latter. Also, Royal Tenenbaums over Rushmore? Unlikely. And hey – not a single John Landis movie on the list?! Come on… Coming to America is one of the finest movies of our time. Also missing: Total Recall, Dumb and Dumber, and possibly the best movie ever, Speed.

Click to read the full list — what other movies did they leave out?
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ICYMI: It’s Hard Out Here For a DJ Qualls

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DJQualls.JPGDJ Qualls, Hollywood’s go-to actor for all its “awkward dork” casting needs, showed paparazzi outside of an LA nightclub just what kind of stone pimp he actually is. In the course of the two minute clip, Qualls lights a cigarette, struts with a young starlet on each arm, kisses one of them, then finally hits a paparazzi homerun by giving the obligatory comment on his thoughts about Lindsay Lohan, to whom he has no discernible relation. While his description of her as “not a nice girl” is a far cry from the oratory eloquence of Brandon Davis’ “firecrotch”, it’s hard not to find DJ’s earnest “Haha, me too, right guys? Lohan sucks, check out my ladies, call me sometime Paris!” eagerness to be part of Hollywood’s clique of popular party kids at least mildly charming.