CINEMA’S GOLDEN AGE: Pirates, Monsters and Wayans, Oh My!

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pirates1.jpg1. Somewhere a Disney studio exec is meeting with architects to design and build a huge swimming pool full of money like the one on Ducktales$35 million

2. I wonder why the title Monster House didn’t generate as much frenzy as Snakes on a Plane$23 million

3. Seriously, it’s been a long time since The Sixth Sense, and I can’t really figure out why anyone still bothers with M. Notgonnaseeyourmoviesmalan – $18.2 million

4. You, me and the Butterscotch Stallion$12.8 million

5. Oh those wacky Wayans brothers, what will they think of next!?! – $11 million

While You Were Doing a Down Dog With Lance Armstrong

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  • Matthew McConaughey, apparently still reeling from our photoshop contest, got a little pushy with a photograther who dared to snap shots of his beachfront yoga session. Yes, the best thing to follow the Lotus position with is the ancient Paparazzi Face Punch move.
  • Nicole Richie has announced her plans to record an album. That’s kind of nice as now Paris Hilton will have a little competition for the title of Least Talented Spoiled Fame-Whore.
  • Miss Puerto Rico passed out during a news conference only 40 minutes after being crowned Miss Universe. Cut her a break – the poor girl hasn’t eaten since she was twelve.
  • Rachel Dratch is leaving SNL to go work on Tina Fey’s new sitcom, 30 Rock. So to recap, she’s leaving her job as an actress on an unfunny sketch show to play an actress on an unfunny sketch show. Sort of makes your head hurt.
  • Listen, if you’re going to make a show called Queer Duck for Paramount, there are a few rules. You may not suggest that Tom Cruise is gay. You may not suggest that Tom Cruise is straight. And certainly may not suggest that Oprah is anything but svelte divinity.

Best Night Ever: Sunday, July 23rd

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It’s Best Night Ever for Sunday, July 23rd! Alan is here to walk you through the best of Sunday night tv, including Chappelle’s Show, Deadwood, and Entourage!

Best Of The Best Week Ever

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  • Project Runway faces its biggest scandal yet. That is, until the world discovers that Heidi Klum‘s accent is totally fake.
  • Britney Spears beholds the beauty of a tiger. A good-for-nothing, unemployed, white bengal tiger with cornrows, surely.
  • Barbara Walters doesn’t understand Black women’s hair. Even Hugh Downs is like “Whaaat an iiiidiot.”
  • BWE Presents: 1,001 Ways to Photoshop Matthew McConaughey Into Embarassing Situations
  • Jason Mews kicks his heroine habit and immediately transforms into Christian Bale.
  • Lindsay Lohan, David Spade and Kid Rock prove that the fighting in the Middle East is not the only sign of the impending apocalypse.

To check out all the other happenings this week, make sure to watch Best Week Ever tonight at 11! And do take a sip of alcohol any and every time a reference to poop (or crap) is made. Don’t question it, just trust us.

Bargain Alert! Hugh Jackman’s Jeans Sell for $22,000

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hugh.jpgIf only I would have known that Hugh Jackman‘s jeans were for sale!! Some lucky guy-slash-gal picked up a pair of Jackman’s dungarees for a mere $22,476 — which, the way I see it, is only a dollar a day if you were to wear the jeans daily for the next 61.5 years. That is assuming the buyer will actually wear them, and not just perform the obligatory crotch-sniff as a daily wake-up call. Nicole Kidman‘s pants went for only $8,200, likely because the only person who can fit into them is a 6-foot-tall 3-month-old.

The good news: It’s still not too late to buy Matthew McConaughey’s car! Bidding is already up to a moderate $47,000. Hopefully the buyer of Jackman’s jeans can get his hands on the car as well, as the combination of the two items together would no doubt blow up the universe’s collective Gaydar.

PHOTOSHOP CONTEST: McConaughey Winner

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Anita BenderThanks to everybody who entered the Matthew McConaughey Working It Out Photoshop Contest. We received so many great entries, we actually spit coffee all over our keyboards on more than one occasion. It was hard picking a winner, but we’re going with this Super McConaughey entry from Alta Bender. I’m not sure if we picked it because it looks good or because we like the idea of the Sexiest Man Alive flying overhead and stopping crime, but either way Congratulations.

Click here and click below to see more of our favorites. Thanks again for entering… and thank you Matthew… for doing whatever the hell it is you’re doing.

Read more…

It’s July 21st; What’s up?

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super ex.jpgWe’re waist deep in the summer movie season. We’ve had Super men and Pirates of the Caribbean and Adam Sandler clicking things. We’ve had Devils wearing Prada and we’ve had lots and lots of Cars. We’ve had a lot of big hits and a couple of big flops, and guess what: I haven’t seen any of them.

It’s true. I’ve yet to hit the multiplex this summer. I’m not proud of this, so I’ve vowed to go see a movie or three this weekend. But the question is, which ones should I go see? Should I rock out with You, Me and Dupree or walk out on Clerks II? I need help.

Which movies are YOU going to check out this weekend? Vote now.

Celeb-Esteem Intervention: Uma Thurman Edition

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uma-thurman.jpgIt’s a rare day when we feel any kind of sympathy for a beautiful, A-list Hollywood star, but somehow, Uma Thurman has us sulking. First of all, we hear that the statuesque Uma is unhappy with her appearance, particularly with her ears, adding that her face looks like “two fish swimming” in between them. Now, if this was an observation we would have made, it would clearly be hilarious… but if she actually thinks that? Well, then it’s really kind of sad… Uma, you’re gorge!

Thurman is also struggling to find a new man after her last relationship with hunky hotel mogul Andres Balasz fizzled out. She blames her celebrity status on the lack of interested suitors, but we’re beginning to think it might have something to do with her bad attitude. So, if you know Uma, or are within 15 feet of the woman, make sure to shower her with non-stop, over-the-top praise. Some examples: “Uma, have I ever told you that your ears were molded by God himself?” or “Oom, it’s so funny, but I was just thinking how your face looks nothing like two fish swimming side by side.”

Unless this is a huge sympathy ploy to drive people to her new movie, My Super Ex-Girlfriend. In which case, don’t you dare pay that conniving woman a compliment.

Hezbollah Hotties!

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TMZhotties.jpgAs the Middle East continues blowing itself to bloody oblivion, the intrepid journalists over at TMZ brush past the carnage and devastation to focus on the truly important issues at hand – like which flack jacket-clad TV journalist is “the biggest hottie”. As we all secretly know but aren’t as bold as TMZ to admit, the explosions and chaos from the warzone in the background are really just an excuse for a bulletproof vest fashion show with primetime news tough guys Anderson Cooper and Richard Engel. This is why TMZ is utterly amazing – within a single blog post they’ve managed to boil the complexities of a decades-long international crisis down into something so simple as determining which reporter looks dreamiest in front of a nation’s total annihilation. God bless America, and God bless TMZ!