CAPTION THIS: Lindsay Sparkles

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I have no idea what I’m smoking here, but whatever it is it’s the reason I’m not wearing pants.

Your turn. Leave your Captions in the Comments!

Soothing Sounds CDs From Something Awful

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parents sex.jpgIn the world of relaxation tapes, there isn’t much beyond running streams, beaches, gentle forests, and a few other bland topics… This week the Something Awful Forum Goons sought to expand the relaxation tape market by coming up with some new ideas sure to soothe your weary soul and put your mind to rest.

These are all pretty great. I think the soothing sounds of Your Parents Having Sex is my favorite… because The Rats In The Walls hits a little too close to home. Check out all of the Something Awful CD’s here.

BUY THIS: Tom Cruise Bobblehead

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tom cruise bobble.JPGLast week, San Diego’s minor league baseball team planned a salute to Tom Cruise by giving away Tom Cruise bobblehead dolls. Actually, make that bobble-couches. This week, the bobble-couches have been all over e-Bay.

A lot of the dolls have already been sold, but there are still a few left. So if you want to be the coolest kid on your block with a piece of memorabilia depicting an event from a syndicated TV show that aired over a year ago, go bid now! You’ll probably You won’t regret it!

Link via Deadspin

It’s July 7th; What’s up?

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psych2.JPGOne of them is black, the other is white, and together they solve mysteries! It’s Psych, on USA!

Okay, I’m sure the pitch for Psych was a little more complex than that. But not much. After seeing thousands of billboards and ads for the show over the past month, I feel like I have to tune in tonight. I think I owe it to the press department.

What else is on this weekend? Well, tonight you have a brand new episode of Best Week Ever (one of my favorite shows, believe it or not), Saturday night Peaches drops by The Henry Rollins Show, and on Sunday you have all of your favorite HBO shows (Deadwood, Entourage, Lucky Louis, etc.) as well as the start of I Love The 70′s Part II. So what are YOU watching this weekend? Vote now!

‘The View’ Gets Down & Doherty

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shannen-doherty.jpgBefore working here, I’d never seen The View, nor had any inclination to do so. But Barbara Walters and her menopausal minions have won me over with their ability to create daytime drama unfathomable to even the soap writers over at Passions. From Merideth Vieira’s tearful farewell to Rosie O’Donnell taking her place to Babs giving Star Jones her walking papers, and with a whole bunch of minor hilarities packed in between, this talk show for women has emerged as a kind of estrogen-fueled version of WWF Wrestling, only with less tights, more Botox and roughly the same amount of elbow-drops. The latest factor in their equation of insanity is this recent announcement that Shannen Doherty, widely known for her unmatched powers of b*tchiness, will be filling Star’s empty spot for a few episodes, presumably trying out for a permanent spot on the show. The mind reels at all the possibilities for the various conflicts this move could produce, but after the jump I’ve done some free associations and listed the first few scenarios that came to mind.

Read more…

ICYMI: Rocky’s Bout With Old Age, Irrelevance

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rocky.jpgTake a few minutes from your grueling workday to watch this trailer for the upcoming (and unnecessary) Rocky sequel. Be sure to look closely into the eyes of Rocky Balboa as he pontificates the inherent dangers of facing a challenge that makes Ivan Drago look like Glass Joe – the fact that he just turned 60 years old and still trying to be a boxer even though everyone sort of lost interest in him when the Cold War ended. As it so often does, art seems to be imitating life in that Sylvester Stallone, like the character he made famous, is struggling with his own fading star, desperately fighting to stay on his feet in these late rounds of his acting career. Can the legendary fighter – and the actor who created him – overcome the odds and pull out an inspiring victory, or is somebody ’bout to get knocked the f*ck out? No matter what happens, we’ll always have a veggie tray with his name on it.

While You Were Pouring Out a 401k For Ken Lay

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  • Justin Timberlake has a new track out on the Internets. It’s not bad, but I’m sure that right now Britney Spears is somewhere in Malibu, thanking her lucky stars that she ended up with the mastermind behind “PopoZao” instead of that talentless Timberlake hack.
  • Russell Crowe apparently stopped punching people long enough to hop onto the Hollywood baby bandwagon (procreation – it’s so hot right now). I’ll never understand what exactly qualifies a celebrity baby for media obsession, but the dude won an Oscar and everything – the least you could do is pretend to care about seeing “exclusive” pictures of the kid.
  • Lindsay Lohan freaked out on some paparazzi before sobering up long enough to realize that they’re really the only reason she’s still famous, at which point she was so overcome with guilt that she offered them beers. And once again, life comes full circle and balance in the universe is restored.
  • Nicky Hilton has decided to get into the family business that isn’t prostitution. But no matter what happens, she always has that as a fall-back.
  • Is Vinnifer ever going to get married? If they did, what would Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie and Regis Philbin think about it? Do you think their wedding vows would be funny? And most importantly, now that their movie has come and gone, is it finally okay to stop caring?

Best Night Ever: Thursday, July 6th!

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It’s Best Night Ever for Thursday, July 6th! Alan is here to walk you through the best of Thursday night tv, including Master of Champions, Big Brother 7, and The Dudesons!

…Of The Day

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  • CONSPIRACY THEORY: Suri Cruise does not exist! I’ve been saying that all along, people. Ever since Tom asked me to audition for the role. (IDLYITW)
  • EXERCISE: Rope Yoga. Hey, if it’s good enough for Superman it’s good enough for me. (Defamer)
  • FANTASY BASEBALL ADVICE: That is, if your team consists of serial killers. (McSweeney’s)
  • BIRTHDAY: Sylvester Stallone turned 60 today. And yes, he can still kick your ass. (IMDB)
  • CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH: Justin Timberlake vs. K-Fed. Sadly, it’s just clay. (Popbytes)

LISTEN UP: BWE’s Daily Dose of the Best Music Ever

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  • It’s not officially summer until you download at least three tracks by The Beach Boys. Thank God Slow Motion Radio Station is here to help.
  • Obscure Sound has four tracks off of one my favorite albums from last year, Howl Howl Gaff Gaff by The Shout Out Louds. Download them, then go pick up the whole thing.
  • Today The Music Slut posted tracks by Ryan Adams, Tori Amos, Oasis, Nellie McKay and Weezer. The Music Slut really gets around.
  • Over at Pop Tarts Suck Toasted the theme of the day is Stephen Malkmus. So that’s where you want to go to download a solo track, a Pavement track and a Silver Jews track if you’re into that sorta thing.
  • And finally, A Spacious Hole In The Ground is super-pumped about the upcoming Gin Blossoms CD (yes, apparently there’s an upcoming Gin Blossoms CD), and posted a new mp3. Admit it, you’re curious. Come on. Admit it.