EXCLUSIVE: Another Virgin Needs Help

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Everybody’s talking about Jane magazine’s quest to get a 29-year-old virgin laid before her 30th birthday. Talk about great publicity, this story is everywhere! Now it looks like other headline-grabbing celebs are jumping on board to ride the V-wave, and to be honest, I’m pretty shocked about this new form of self-promotion.
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Disturbing. Just disturbing.

Happy Birthday, Dear Beyonce…

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In a thinly veiled attempt to get extra publicity for Beyonce’s new album B’Day, her record label’s “strategic friends” over at AOL Music are putting together a special “Happy Birthday Beyonce” campaign, inviting fans like you and I and John Legend to videotape a brief birthday message for the diva, all of which will be sent to Beyonce as a present. So if you have a burning desire to share something with Jay Z’s First Lady, now’s your big chance. I’m sure she’ll watch each and every one of the clips whilst taking her daily Cristal bath and munching on gold-dusted popcorn. If you need inspiration, check out what we came up with – we’re totally gonna be BFF!

We’ve Fallen Prey to Lime Disease

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Yes, we know, Sprite is a sugary sweet soda that does about as much to quench thirst as does getting punched in the back of the head. The real reason we’re posting the following Sprite commercial is that it’s not only really cool/fun looking, but it also serves as a reminder that there are only 2 more weeks of summer left! Plus, it’s a million times less creepy than the ad where two-inch tall Japanese women inject lime directly into your throat.

LISTEN UP: Weird Al Says, “Stop All the Downloading!”

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  • Weird Al has just become the Bob Dylan of RIAA protest anthems by penning the hilarious “Don’t Download This Song”. If I were you, I would go to his site and completely ignore his advice.
  • Never ones to back down from a fight, the RIAA fires back at Al with their totally cool and hip educational video intimidating threat, “Campus Downloading”. It has lots of “down with youth culture” close ups, dope lingo and fonts that look like graffiti, so you know it’s totally fresh! Yeah, man – downloading is whack!
  • The good fellows over at The Rawking Refuses To Stop at least have good manners – when they’re going to beat you over the head with several paragraphs of digital copyright rhetoric, at least they post a Clap Your Hands Say Yeah song first.
  • Scenestars has Lollapalooze pics and a track from one of indie rock’s finest songwriters, Andrew Bird. He’s no Weird Al or anything, but still not too shabby.
  • Indieblogheaven has a couple songs from the newly-crowed Pitchfork darlings in Snowden.

Dancing with the Stars: Dreams Coming True Alert!

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The publicity stills for the new season of Dancing with the Stars are here, and they should serve as a wake-up call to set your Tivo season passes NOW. While Jerry Springer brings to mind an O’Reilly-esque loofah-and-falafel fetish, Joey Lawrence reminds us that even Tiger Beat worthy teen stars can grow into “the creepy bald guy at the kegger.” And Tucker Carlson! Judging by the below picture, the guy is ready to dance his balls off. He even undid his signature bow tie! Me-ow.

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SIZZLER: SNL Cast Shrinks By Three

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SNLLogo.JPGA source at Saturday Night Live has divulged which cast members won’t be appearing on the 32nd season premiere next month. Staple players Horatio Sanz and Chris Parnell, and the relatively new Kenan Thompson are the three people likely to be axed. The source also claims Amy Poehler will step down as Weekend Update anchor, and will be replaced by writer/performer Jason Sudeikis. Considering that Tina Fey and Rachel Dratch have also left the show to work on the new sit-com 30 Rock, it looks like we’re going to be treated with an entire new dynamic — one that will hopefully work.

But what will become of our beloved cut players? Both the beloved Parnell and shticky Sanz have some movie projects lined up, some of which seem promising. No, we’re most worried about Kenan. Having just completed a small part in a hilarious box office fizzler about reptiles on aircrafts (we can’t bring ourselves to say the name anymore), the only other project he’s got lined up is in a movie called Wieners. We’re going to back away slowly while you slowly realize that poor Kenan has probably reached his peak. Thanks for nothing, All That.

CAPTION THIS! Paris-Zilla

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After searching high and low, Paris finally finds the Asian Nicole she was so desperately looking for.

Your turn. Leave your Captions in the Comments NOW!

10 Ways Tom Cruise Can Commit Creative Suicide

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tom cruise.JPGIn the severance heard round the world, Paramount has cut its contract to veteran actor/placenta eater Tom Cruise. Says Viacom chief Sumner Redstone, “It’s nothing to do with his acting ability, he’s a terrific actor… but we don’t think that someone who effectuates creative suicide and costs the company revenue should be on the lot.”

Which got us to thinking: If Tom Cruise were in fact to commit creative suicide, he would definitely go out with a bang — one shot out of a ruby-encrusted air cannon, surely. Here are some other ways Tom Cruise could commit suicide creatively:

  • He could hangglide off of the roof of the Scientology Celebrity Center and into the mouth of an active volcano
  • He could swallow one end of the e-meter, put the other end up his rear, and run a charge through it.
  • He could leave some shrimp out in the sun for a few weeks, then eat it.
  • He could do his own stunts in Faces of Death 7.
  • He could wait 16 years until Suri is old enough to drive, then steer her into oncoming traffic until a tractor trailer slams into the passenger side.
  • He could take a single vitamin.
  • He could go swimming off the coast of Ethiopia and get slayed by pirates.
  • He could do tragically badly on Celebrity Fear Factor.
  • He could buy a horse and ride it off the edge of the Grand Canyon.
  • He could get lost in the deadened gaze of wife Katie Holmes, never finding his way out and suffocating to death.

Seems like the last one is the most likely. Any other ideas for Tom Cruise’s creative suicide?

Starting Out As An Intern

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The lovely Melissa Rauch from TV’s Best Week Ever (maybe you’ve heard of it) didn’t always lead the life of glitz and glamour that the BWE comedians are accustomed to. She too started out as an intern. Don’t believe me? Just check out this music video and see for yourself.
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To see more of Melissa, click here.

SIZZLER: Team Firecrotch Forms Evil Lair

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parisandbrandon.jpgThe latest report from Hollyweird is that Brandon Davis has moved in with Paris Hilton, leaving them approximately one Joe Francis short of forming an Algonquin roundtable of retardation more powerful than anything the world has ever known. Even briefly dipping one’s toe into the pool of moronic possibility this unholy union creates, the mind is immediately left reeling. All their boozing, whoring and sweating (looking at you, Brandon) aside, just imagine what something as mundane as dinnertable banter might sound like in this B-list brothel:

Bradon: Lindsay Lohan has a firecrotch.
Paris: That’s hot.
Brandon: Firecrotch.
Paris: Hot.

And on and on for all of eternity. Somebody might as well go ahead and add this odd couple to the list of 10,000 Reasons Civilization Is Doomed.