I bet you were just thinking to yourself, “You know, self, I’ve enjoyed all the Mel Gibson jokes BWE has incessantly been making, but I really miss those salad days when it was all firecrotch, all the time.” Well you’re in luck, because the stalkerazzi over TMZ caught Paris & Nicky Hilton, Brandon Davis, and Scott Storch on their way out of In ‘N Out Burger (Paris’ favorite, because its name just makes her feel good), and those crazy kids just won’t let the firecrotch joke die! So if you want to see drunk, grease-covered idiots getting into what appears to be a Delorean whilst cracking themselves up with a joke too old for even Jay Leno to touch, you know where to click!
Boy George, sporting an adorable cinched orange vest and sockless Gola sneakers, began his community service today in New York. He has been ordered to sweep the streets as punishment for a paranoid cocaine-induced 911 call in March. He’s already snapped at the media, telling them they should just go home… but why would we do that? Watching him sweep is oddly hilarious/relaxing. See for yourself.
Do not adjust your monitors: This photo of Nicole Richie is literally actual-sized. I know it’s old news to rehash about how skinny Nicole Richie is, coke-addled, walking dead, etc etc. But honestly, I see pictures like this and I think: How could her friends and family not hotfoot this girl to a hospital bed? You could basically tie a helium balloon to her back and push her in the direction of a clinic.
What’s MORE infuriating is that they actually make clothes that fit this skinny bitch! It’s like these designers were inspired by all the haute couture in Schindler’s List or something. OK, we swear, last weight-related post of the day. (Our shoelaces are crossed, p.s.)
1. If there is one thing that can thwart terrorism and heal the wounds it has already inflicted, it’s Will Ferrell running around in his underwear, screaming maniacally – $23 million
2. In a world constantly facing the threat of terror and violence, we really need more of these movies about troubled teens forming unlikely romances with wealthy peers through the power of dancing. Nobody puts Bin Laden in the corner…except Step Up! – $21 million
3. After their 9/11-exploitation action movie failed to open to the blockbuster numbers they were hoping for, studio bosses are starting to reconsider their plan to open a “hijacked plane suicide mission” simulation ride next summer at Disneyland. Guess Oliver Stone should have listened when producers told him that Captain Jack Sparrow would make an excellent terrorist villain – $19 million
4. CGI animation, talking animals, celebrity voices – you either love this crap or you don’t. Jihad! – $10.1 million
5. Only things scarier than Al Qaeda are low-budget remakes of Japanese horror movies that feature lots of shots of creepy-looking kids standing in bizarrely-lit hallways – $8.5 million
If there is one camera angle that is universally unflattering, it’s the telescopic lens in the vagines angle. It’s the angle that catches every physical imperfection, every chin, every fold, and it is one to be avoided. Then again, when you’re a famous pop star — Jessica Simpson no less — the angle shouldn’t really matter. You’re not supposed to be eating food anyway, so anywhere the lensman goes should be flattering, right?
Well, ladies, rejoice this morning: Jessica Simpson has a FUPA. Or, as some of our classier readers prefer to refer to it, a Gunt. These pictures from last week didn’t convince us that Jessica drowned her post-divorce sorrows in any actual caloric intake… but this highwaited, belted shorts situation she’s wearing does nothing to support her anorexic cause. We’re secretly hoping she gets huge.
- A million fantasies come to a close, as Hugh Grant gets engaged to socialite girlfriend Jemima Kahn. Probably had something to do with her pancakes and batter, if you know what I’m sayin’! Which is that she makes delicious breakfast.
- Christina Aguilera‘s trademark secret? Maker’s Mark. Oh, and she tucks.
- Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes shlepped Suri to a party at the Will Smith mansion, where the baby was supposedly “Getting Nonexistent With It.”
- A true Hollywood miracle: Snakes on a Plane toast.
- Nothing is coming up Milhouse, as The Simpsons have been banned in China. Well, what are the coolest, most hilarious kids in China gonna quote now to prove their razor-sharp wits?
It’s Best Night Ever for Sunday, August 13th! Michael is here to walk you through the best of Sunday night tv, including The Simple Life, The Girls Next Door, and Big Brother!
Here is what we learned this week, kids:
- Gwyneth Paltrow tries to be a good friend by saying “Hey guys, I’m overweight!.” Obviously, we see right through her.
- Jared Leto has Gout, a disease we only knew about because of Adam Sandler‘s song Lunchlady Land.
- Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn breakup, get engaged, and end their engagement, all while having no idea that any of this was actually happening.
- Steve Guttenberg reminds us that without him, our heartlight will remain permanently in Off mode.
- David Hasselhoff needs a mate… actually, he just needs a new nickname! Basselhoff is still winning, people… get your entries in!
Have a good weekend, all!
- AWKWARD AD: Katherine McPhee looks like she’s McParalyzed. And, McNo, the McJokes will not get any McFunnier. (DListed)
- WE’VE REACHED OUR CREDIT LIMIT: Britney Spears gives K-Fed a highly coveted Black Centurion American Express Card. Cause every man’s card should match the race he pretends to be, right? (TMZ)
- BAD NEIGHBOR: Jodie Foster is unfriendly to her Manhattan neighbors. They best watch out: Bitch will cut you with that razor-sharp grimace of hers. (Page Six)
- SHLONG STORY: R. Kelly‘s cousin, Damon Kelly, is an adult film star who’s next movie will be entitled Nite Lite… Day Lite. You know there’s a cousin somewhere in the fam who’s like a famous scientist or doctor, soooo jealous he’s not in the news right now. (Six Shot)
- BABY SURI SIGHTING: This one really brings us back to the sixth grade. (Junkiness)
We thought our take on the Mac vs. PC Ads was funny, but these parody videos are getting out of control! However, this one puts a pretty hilarious spin on the whole cool/uncool techie thing, using a frumpy girl and hot chick to illustrate why Nintendo’s Wii game system is far superior to the new Playstation 3! Why didn’t we think of that?