Today’s the day you’ve all been waiting for; today Paris Hilton’s album, creatively titled Paris, drops. The question is, will you pick it up? We here at BWE want to help you with your decision, so we’ve compiled a comprehensive Pro/Con list of why you Should/Shouldn’t go out and by the greatest album (by a celebrity with absolutely no discernable skills) ever!
The Album Cover
PRO:Paris looks bored and her legs are spread wide open, making this the perfect companion piece to One Night in Paris.
CON: The album costs $12.97 on Amazon. Googling “Paris + Spread Eagle” and finding much, much better pictures than this one costs you nothing but your pride.
The High Comedy
PRO: Breaking out Paris is guaranteed to elicit a few loud laughs from your friends. Listening to it will result in even more. Singing along and choreographing dances to it… wow. The possibilities are endless.
CON: The fear that your friends won’t actually believe you that you bought it as a joke. Especially when they catch you listening to it alone on your iPod.
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Jail can be a pretty boring place, which explains Michael Lohan’s bizarre foray into satirical cartooning. Sitting helplessly in his cell, Lindsay Lohan’s daddy must rely on the power of his mighty pen if he hopes to protect his baby girl from the assorted evils of Hollywood stardom. As the complex imagery found in this allegorical cartoon might be confusing to the untrained eye, we have employed our expert celebrity deciphering skills to more clearly explain exactly what it is Papa Lohan is trying to say.
1. Lindsay: Beloved daughter, troubled starlet, innocent victim.
2. Michael: The well-meaning father who’s been torn apart from the mega-star daughter he’s always loved since she became famous. Every time he’s within reach of her (and her fortune), he’s ripped away by the brutish prison guards, who also represent the oppressive power of the authoritarian government under which he so suffers.
3. Dina: Lindsay’s selfish, gold-digging, whoring, manipulative, utterly evil excuse for a mother.
4. Brandon Davis: His taunts of “firecrotch” booming down from the heavens of Hyde nightclub like a terrible thunder.
Some new pictures surfaced of our favorite dad Hulk Hogan catching some rays with his mighty Kong fists by the pool. We were going to post them in their entirety, but they accidentally got mixed up with some Orc photos we had from the Lord of the Rings sleepover party we’re planning. Can you help us figure out which is which? Thank you!
1. HULK OR ORC?
2. ORC? NO — HULK, RIGHT?
It’s Best Night Ever for Monday, August 21st! Shea Hess is here to walk you through the best of Monday night tv, including Prison Break, Treasure Hunters, and Vanishing!
Comedian Dane Cook took a break from being unfunny on HBO’s Tourgasm to be unfunny and, well, downright creepy during last night’s Teen Choice Awards. There’s something about a 34-year-old comic making explicit sex jokes in a room full of Hilary Duff fans that would even make John Mark Karr squirm. I’m just sayin.’
So check out the clip now to see Dane act like your creepy uncle that your parents won’t leave you alone with. Awkward Micha Barton anorexia joke sold separately.
It’s Monday, so you know what that means: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are probably off fighting in some mirrored room somewhere. Angelina is said to be in a deep post-natal depression, and is feeling the strain of her mother’s illness and the constant media attention. Many in Hollywood, no doubt worlds less attractive than either of them, are speculating that the relationship won’t see the end of the year. But we think that’s impossible. Why, you ask?
Because. If the two BEST LOOKING PEOPLE IN THE WORLD cannot make it work — WHO CAN, I ASK YOU? Nobody, that’s who. Take my word for it: If Brangelina falls through, I will completely give up on myself physically. I will bathe in Ben and Jerry’s, wash my face with Hershey’s chocolate syrup, wear entire hams for shoes, and the skin of the poor as a dress. Because, simply put, looks will cease to matter. Take a moment and think about these ramifications, while I nervously nibble on a 10-calorie dessert in anticipation.
The folks at Turner Broadcasting have their priorities intact. Thanks to some recent studies that have finally revealed that smoking is not good for your health, the Superstation has decided it’s about time to sift through a few thousand old cartoons and remove all the scenes that “glorifiy” smoking. But don’t worry, scenes that glorify mindless violence and racial stereotypes are still A-Okay.
So in cartoons like Tom & Jerry, The Flintstones and Scooby Doo smoking is OUT. Too dangerous. To find out what’s still in (and not nearly as dangerous as a pack of cigarettes) you can click below.
Yes. My fantasy has finally been realized. Seinfeld has been turned into a musical! The show is happening all the way up in Winnipeg, Canada, and while most people living in Winnipeg have never actually seen Jew, they’re still totes pumped about the idea. But if you don’t actually own any snow shoes, what kind of songs do you think should be in it? Here are some we’re currently working on: (sung to the tune of “Seasons of Love” from Rent)
525,600 Things that annoy.
How do you explain it… to a goy?
From traffic, to cancer, to dating, to masturbation,
From Newman, to Nazis, to bubble boys.
From 525,600 Kvetches.
How do you measure — the things that annoy?