The latest report from Hollyweird is that Brandon Davis has moved in with Paris Hilton, leaving them approximately one Joe Francis short of forming an Algonquin roundtable of retardation more powerful than anything the world has ever known. Even briefly dipping one’s toe into the pool of moronic possibility this unholy union creates, the mind is immediately left reeling. All their boozing, whoring and sweating (looking at you, Brandon) aside, just imagine what something as mundane as dinnertable banter might sound like in this B-list brothel:
Bradon: Lindsay Lohan has a firecrotch.
Paris: That’s hot.
And on and on for all of eternity. Somebody might as well go ahead and add this odd couple to the list of 10,000 Reasons Civilization Is Doomed.
Other than the bright future of K-Fed’s rap career (so bright, he has to wear FUBU shades), the big story from this week’s Teen Choice Awards was speculation about what would happen if no-longer-weds Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson ran into each other at the show, thus creating a vortex of tabloid-fantasy awkwardness. After receiving a tip that they did in fact share a brief exchange, our crack team of hard-hitting newspeople has been pounding the pavement to find footage of the encounter, and after much difficulty (and a couple of casualties), we have victoriously obtained this exclusive clip of the post-breakup run-in the world has been waiting to see!
Inexplicably ignoring their own rules prohibiting pornography, YouTube has allowed Paris Hilton to post the following video clip (Internet videos are her best medium), in which which she tries rather desperately to string together enough complete sentences to form a semi-coherent “buy my album” plea to all the teenage girls who tape themselves doing booty-dances to Chingy songs they later post on the video site. Behold the power of the internet, harnessed and manifest in the form of a poorly filmed plug from a spoiled pseudo-celeb shamelessly trying to pimp her joke of a music career! Of course, we’re only helping her…
As you may have heard, Paramount pictures dumped Tom Cruise yesterday. Thankfully, the folks who write newspaper headlines were armed and ready with some corny movie-title puns to walk us through what happened.
I’m disappointed. Cruise made more than four movies, people. Utilize them. Like:
Paramount Days Far & Away
Fired (After) The Fourth Of July
Cruise Cock-Tails It Out Of Paramount
All The Wrong Moves
Tom Loses It For Losin’ It
Tom ‘Taps’ Out
Majority Reports: Get Tom Outta Here!
Tom Gets The Firm Goodbye
A Few Good Men Tell Tom To Go The F**k Away
Show some creativity, headline writers. Please. Now it’s your turn. Leave your Tom gets axed headlines in the comments.
As the wave of frenzy surrounding Snakes on a Plane has finally crested and now rolls its way back to the ocean of pop culture curiosities, we’re left with only the aftermath of this epic Internet phenomenon. For most of us, SoaP will soon be synonymous with other odd-but-now-forgotten cinematic obsessions such as the Ernest Goes To (Blank) movies, Robocop, and Jean-Claude Van Damme. But for one man, Snakes on a Plane Mania will – quite literally – live on forever. Jim Dozier (nicknamed “Doz”) was so enamored with the idea of a film about deadly reptiles loose on a commercial airliner that he had its logo prominently tattooed on his left bicep – before he’d even seen the movie! As this left us utterly baffled, we had no choice but to seek out this amazing specimen of a man and demand an explanation for what could motivate one to do such a seemingly ridiculous thing. We chatted earlier this afternoon via IM, and the transcript of that conversation can be read – nay, studied and extensively contemplated! – after the jump. If you’re as impressed as we were by this man’s bold commitment to unflinching SoaP awesomeness, PLEASE take a moment and vote for Doz to win the Snakes on a Plane #1 Fan Sweepstakes. We’re pretty sure that he’s earned it.
It’s Best Night Ever for Tuesday, August 22nd! Alan Noah is here to walk you through the best of Tuesday night tv, including Breaking Up, Fear Factor, and Work Out!
We proudly present the first BWE.tv Tuesday Afternoon Movie! Every Tuesday, we’ll post a short film from our panelists, friends, and user submissions.
This week, the sketch group Olde English shows us some bonus footage from Project Runway. Enjoy!
Want to submit a movie? Send your short films and sketches to email@example.com.
BWE’s Paul Scheer was one of X amount of people (X= $15.2m/avg ticket price) who saw Snakes On A Plane over the weekend. And like X people, he left with a lot more knowledge about snakes, planes, and snakes on planes than those of us who missed it.
- Snakes are not indigenous to Hawaii.
- Don’t leave your can of Red Bull at a crime scene.
- Snakes can not get into 1st class.
- Always pack a bow and arrow in luggage just in case the hero of your flight needs a weapon while he/she is in the cargo hold.
- Rich British people are assholes.
- The snake guy who lives in the desert is probably up to no good.
- Snakes are attracted to breasts, specifically hot girl’s nipples.
To read what else Paul learned, click here!