Irrelevant Celebrities Getting Married: So Hot Right Now

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pam anderson.jpgBritney and Kevin are renewing their vows. Paris Hilton swore off sex for a year. Lindsay Lohan has already hooked up with everybody in Hollywood so nothing surprises us anymore. And Nick & Jessica’s post-marital affairs would be a lot more exciting if they didn’t involve That Girl From TRL and That Comedian Everybody Liked Until They Saw Tourgasm. Things are looking bleak for our A-team… which is why the B-team is stepping up.

Yesterday Pamela Anderson stepped up and announced that she was marrying Kid Rock, presumably because Tommy Lee was busy with Supernova and said “pass.” At the same time, somewhere else on this world wide web, Fred Durst– remember him?– announced he was getting married too. Yeah. Sorry ladies. Now, to top that, the news got out today that Eddie Murphy is all set to marry “Scary” Spice Girl Mel B. They say it’s what they want, what they really, really want.

We should enjoy the time we have with these replacement players because you never know what’s going to happen. Paris and Nick could start dating tomorrow and cause a huge media frenzy, leaving Pam, Fred, Eddie and Scary in the dust. So let’s let the B-team relish their time in the sun. They kind of deserve it. Kind of.

Reality Bites: Four Shows to Revamp the Genre

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Every now and again, while sitting through some 12-hour Real World marathon involving performing oral sex while simultaneously puking up your breakfast, memories of the solid sitcoms of yesteryear will flood our memories, the solid laughs, enjoyable storylines, fictional characters more pious and successful than ourselves. When did reality shows all start blending into one another?

So what is it going to take to revamp the world of reality programming? Here are a few ideas that would renew our passion for reality tv.
Read more…

PROPPED: Spaced Invaders

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What would the world ever do without dorks? We’d never know the wonders of the Internet, pornography or even Devo. And we certainly wouldn’t have this awesome video, droppped by destructoid.com, of a live-action recreation of 80′s arcade classic Space Invaders, which takes place in an auditorium. I don’t care how many of these live-action versions of video games I see, they never cease to amaze me. Keep dropping us all this amazing besteverness.

Bulge Watch! Jack Nicholson Edition

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Don’t “Degauss” your screens: That is indeed Jack Nicholson’s bulge! No word yet from the Nicholson camp about the healthy bulge he’s sporting, but there’s no denying it: those shorts are letting his bulge shine through! Hopefully, it’s a genuine bulge, and not just some extra water-weight he’s carrying around in his crotchal area.

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Thanks For the Add (and Low Prices)!

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thehub.JPGIf there’s anything that says hip, edgy, finger-on-the-pulse of youth culture, it is, of course, Wal Mart. That’s why it comes as no surprise that the retail giant is launching The Hub, a totally rad new place for teens to “express their style” by “making their own page” and then “showing it to the world” and just maybe “winning some fab prizes”. I mean, who needs to hang out with those lame-o’s over at MySpace (ugh, SO last year!) when they could be partying with the popular kids and doing “school your way” right here at Wal Mart? And the best part is – no creepy pedophiles! Unless, of course, the door “greeters” manage to find their way online – but they’re poor and can’t afford computers, so that shouldn’t be a problem.

It’s July 19th; What’s up?

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bravo.jpgStill a little uncomfortable slipping into a bathing suit this summer? Then you probably don’t want to tune in to Bravo’s new show Work Out tonight. Instead of watching fat people (yay!) get in shape, this show focuses on hot, toned people getting even hotter and toned-er. Or is it tonier? More toned? I don’t even know.

What else is on tonight? Well, before Work Out you have a brand new episode of Project Runway, a show that’s already had more drama than the entire 5th season of The Sopranos… and the season just started!

So what are YOU watching tonight? Vote now!

B is for Barf

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patbetsy.jpgIt’s been awhile now since you first heard drunken Pat O’Brien’s filthy voicemail messages in which he tries to convince a co-worker to participate in a disgusting threesome with himself and a woman identified only as “Betsy”. Well just when you thought those scars had finally healed, our friend The Thighmaster has confronted us with the identity of Pat’s mystery sex partner by pointing out the personal blog of Betsy herself. Click on over so that you may gaze upon picture after picture of a bathrobed Pat basking in post-coital afterglow with his peroxidic love kitten. Carefully pore over every word Betsy uses to describe her international adventures in erotica with the man who once told his colleague that he, “wanted to do coke and be inside of her”. Pat won’t mind – in fact, he even recorded a personal greeting just for you!

While You Were Walking Out Of Clerks II

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  • Superman Brandon Routh shunned dating and drugs because he was worried it’d ruin his chances of making it in Hollywood. But now that he’s a success, bring on the hookers and blow!
  • Jessica Simpson’s mom stopped a photoshoot because it was too risque and made Jess look like a slut. Joe Simpson apologized and promised he wouldn’t take pictures like that ever again.
  • Britney and Kevin have reportedly planned an intimate ceremony to renew their wedding vows. The only difference is, this time Kevin promises he’ll pay attention.
  • One of the stars of the ABC Family show Wildfire was arrested for assaulting his wife. The network responded by immediately yanking the show and moving it to their sister station ABC Dysfunctional Families.
  • Heidi Klum insists that she will give birth to her second baby the traditional way, not via water birth. Which is terrible, because I had about a hundred baby Seal / water birth jokes ready. Damn.

Best Night Ever: Tuesday, July 18th

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It’s Best Night Ever for Tuesday, July 18th! Michelle Collins is here to walk you through the best of Tuesday night tv, including Rock Star: Supernova and Last Comic Standing!