Hey, Brandon Flowers – could I have a word? Yeah listen, I thought “Mr. Brightside” and some of those other over-played radio hits you wrote a few years ago were pretty catchy and all, but you really need to cool it with all the self-aggrandizing smack-talk about other dandy bands who also wear make-up. Telling everyone who will listen how much better you are than The Bravery, Fall Out Boy, Panic! at the Disco and Green Day won’t change the fact that The Killers are the same brand of shitty emo mall-rock as the rest of them, no matter how many times you tell us – or yourself – that it’s not. Making fun of those other eyeliner-loving assclowns is easier than Paris Hilton on ludes, and dude, seeing as how you’re just Jared Leto without the acting gigs, I’d wait and see whether other people actually agree with your claim that Sam’s Town “is one of the best albums of the last 20 years” before continuing with your smack-talking crusade against every other musician who’s as generic and forgettable as you are. Also Mr. Not-Very-Bright, somebody told me that you’re today’s Daily Douche.
Sick of Donald Trump ? Well, too bad. According to the publisher of Trump’s quarterly magazine, The Donald is producing a pilot for a Trump cartoon. We have to ask: Why bother?
Years ago, in a Jerry Seinfeld-hosted segment, Spy magazine asked “What if Donald Trump were to get his own Saturday morning cartoon show?” It’ll probably look something like this.
Ah, Spy magazine. How you make us long for The Funny Years.
5 Years Ago, Steve-O doing whip-its on The Tom Green Show while drunkenly babbling (when did he start sounding like Yoda?) to Carson Daly about how his buddy Bam Margera once nailed Jessica Simpson might have been white-hot A-list must-see-TV. But in its attention-desperate, straight-to-the-Internet, crackhead-on-my-couch incarnation, this is just really f*cking sad. This could only be more depressing if Matt Pinfield were giving Kennedy a Dirty Sanchez while Pauly Shore danced around them singing one of his “Weasel” songs.
By now you’ve probably seen the video of Kevin Federline getting bodyslammed on last night’s episode of WWE Raw. It’s a beautiful thing, and it deserves to be watched over and over and over again.
Bono’s right: it’s a Beautiful Day indeed.
Boxer-slash-videogame character Mike Tyson is about to embark on a worldwide boxing tour where, he announced, he very well might step into the ring and fight women. Tyson, whose career record against the female race is 1-0 (with a lengthy prison sentence), wants to go up against female boxer Ann Wolfe, despite the fact she has a much better left-hook than Robin Givens.
By the way, the best part of this article about Tyson’s tour is, without question, this line:
The man who vowed to eat Lennox Lewis’ children and bit off a piece of Evander Holyfield’s ear has said he’s in no mood for a comeback.
Buy your tickets today, folks.
- Stereogum has the first new pop song from Cat Stevens in almost 30 years, and even though he’s converted into Yusef Islam, my man Cat is still riding high on the Peace Train.
- Listen Yusef, with a name like The Citizens, you probably never have to worry about being arrested at an air-port as a terror suspect, and your songs would still be written about on I Guess I’m Floating.
- The Klaxons might not be Muslim, but they’re terrorizing the airwaves over in Britain, and it looks as if they’re set to invade the US, starting with The Sandwich Club.
- The Rich Girls Are Weeping has some more cutesy shoe-gazing Swedish pop since you kids love that stuff so much, this time from Suburban Kids With Biblical Names, which is seriously an amazing name.
- Mars Needs Guitars knows that you need an Autumn Music Mix. Yay, leaves!
In a case of advertising gone so very wrong, Chevy’s latest ad for their Silverado gas-guzzler features a series of patriotic images fading in and out to John “The Coog” Mellencamp‘s song “Our Country.” You can check out the fairly gross ad here, which stops at nothing, and by nothing we mean 9/11 images fading into the grill of “America’s Truck.” Luckily, someone took a stab at a much more apt parody video, which documents all the things about America we truly love. Namely, Mad Magazine. Thanks to Mo for Dropping This!
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An American-born alleged terrorist who was imprisoned in a United States
Torture Dungeon Happy Fun Place for over three years is now claiming that American soldiers used drugs such as LSD and PCP as “interrogation tools” to frighten and confuse him during torture sessions. Now, we know that there are those of you bleeding-heart liberal types out there who would say that such methods are “Cruel and Unusual”, but we happen to be of the opinion that they’re “Awesome”. I mean, if I were indefinitely stuck in a nightmarish misery chamber without a right to attorney or fair trial, I think I’d like to do a little government-sanctioned candy-flipping myself, and turn that death camp into the biggest groovetastic rave party the world has seen since San Francisco in the late 90’s. Though I don’t know if tripping your face off while watching footage of mass Iraqi genocide intercut with George W. Bush giving speeches from an aircraft-carrier would be my idea of a “chillout room”.
favorite… second favorite… 348th favorite celebrity couple, Nicky Hilton & The Guy Who Playes E on Entourage have reportedly called it quits.
UsWeekly reports that Hilton dumped E yesterday because she suspects he hasn’t been faithful. And because he only comes up to her shoulders in photographs. But mostly because of the unfaithful stuff.
When reached for comment, the guy who plays Turtle said “Whoa, you really want a comment from me? Really? Does that mean I’m gonna be in your magazine? Does it? Please?” before being told to shut up and go away.
Every year during Mardi Gras in New Orleans, the Krewe of Bacchus puts on a lavish parade involving elaborate floats and desperate topless girls on the verge of having their lives ruined. But little did we realize that each year, the Krewe dubs one celebrity as Bacchus himself, dressing said person up in a fancy ornate costume fit for a really gay king. And, yes, a photo gallery of these celebrities exists. Each year is worth checking out, but our personal faves are Larry King, Steve Guttenberg, Ron Howard (+ bonus Fonz) and Jean-Claude Van Damme. You can view the rest of the gallery here.
If you can spot the trend, they tend to go with male celebrities who have some sort of humorous edge to them (Can you say John Laroquette? Us neither.) The 2007 Bacchus title is still up for grabs, so we put it to you: Who do you nominate as Bacchus for next year? We’ll kick things off with our nominee: Christopher Walken. Discuss.