There’s just something about David Palmer asking Joy Behar this question that proves, once and for all, everything is going to be okay. Everything is going to be okay.
The Salvador Dali painting that is Anna Nicole Smith’s life has somehow managed to become even more surreal, with paparazzi photographer turned subject-seducer Larry Birkhead now filing a paternity suit against Smith to determine whether or not he is the father of her newborn child (who ever would have thought a man would be arguing to PROVE he knocked up Anna Nicole?) Birkhead alleges that Smith is addicted to methadone, the same heroin substitute that was partially responsible for the tragic death of her eldest son. Additionally, he accuses Smith of orchestrating an elaborate ruse to find someone (namely her new husband/attorney Howard K. Stern) to publicly claim to be the child’s father, an allegation we find dubious if for no reason other than Anna Nicole’s inability to orchestrate anything more elaborate than a sandwich. Only time – and justice – will tell whether Mr. Birkhead is a sleazy opportunist, or a loving father desperately trying to save his child from a life of torture and abuse at the hands of a woman who was once the subject of a reality show about being addicted to pills.
As the MLB Playoffs begin this afternoon, we here at BWE would like to offer our congratulations to the New York Yankees and their fans. After having to endure a brutal stretch of nearly 11 straight months without a playoff appearance, the Yankees are finally back where they belong: The Postseason, on FOX!
It wasn’t easy. Many doubters didn’t think the Yankees would be able to follow in the footsteps of previous playoff-bound Yankee teams– legendary teams from the past, lead by players like Derek Jeter, Robinson Cano, Chien Ming-Wang and Jason Giambi (pictured indicating the number of drug tests he passed this year, Right). Yet somehow the Yankees were able to find a way to get this season’s ragtag group of All-Stars (one at every single position, mind you) to compile 97 victories and yet another Division Title. And they found a way to do it all with a payroll of just $200 million. It must not have been easy.
So congratulations, New York! Waiting 11 long months and having to endure 162 straight games of non-Playoff baseball must not have been easy! Welcome back to the Postseason… on FOX!
I’m not a pedophile. I’m pro-wrestler. You’re thinking of Mark Foley. Please stop sending me nasty emails. I don’t even have AIM. Thank you for understanding.
Mick Foley, a.k.a. Mankind, a.k.a. Cactus Jack, a.k.a. Dude Love
P.s. Don’t read into the Dude Love thing. It’s just a nickname, I swear.
Being a person who happens to think that most of the current “Bush bashing (you over the brain with obviousness)” comedy is about as funny as the situation in Darfur (and less subtle), I was surprised to find myself chuckling at this simple-yet-effective “A Life In Pictures” promo for recently released Destined For Destiny: the Unauthorized Biography of George W. Bush. Say what you want about him, but the guy really does have friends in some pretty high places.
- Ashton Kutcher says that Bill Clinton once tried to hit on his wife, Demi Moore. Now, in Clinton’s defense; he probably thought Ashton was her son.
- Eric Clapton is playing “Cocaine” in concert again, a song he stopped playing live after getting sober. Fans think this could tie in to his upcoming album release: A Cry For Help.
- George Clooney wants to go out with a different woman every night for three straight months in an effort to “debunk” photographs in magazines. And, as a part of his effort to “debunk” 90 more women in Los Angeles.
- George Michael insists that he doesn’t have a problem with drugs. He just has a problem getting caught with drugs– there’s a difference.
- Weezer is suing the Miller Brewing Company for using their name in some beer advertisements. Miller will stop running the Weezer ads, and promises they’ll go back to targeting music fans old enough to actually drink beer.
Hey, buttheads! After flawlessly essaying the “multi-generational bully in humorous time travel adventure movies” role with his portrayal of Biff in the Back to the Future trilogy, actor Tom Wilson tried keeping a low profile. But apparently random people incessantly nagged and harassed him with questions and comments about said role, leaving him no choice but to become a stand-up comedian and write jokey songs about his frustrating battle with quasi-celebrity. So check it out, McFly – unless you’re chicken!
It’s Best Night Ever for Monday, October 2nd! Brian Faas is here to walk you through the best of Monday night tv, including Wife Swap, The Bachelor and Studio 60!
- TIMEWASTER: The Top 10 Weird Al videos. You know you want to watch them. (SRobbin.com)
- SURPRISINGLY DEPRESSING NEWS: All 3 Hanson brothers are married. Even the older, ugly one. You, on the other hand, are sleeping alone tonight. MMMbop on that. (Yahoo)
- WAKEUP CALL: Robin Williams says Mel Gibson’s arrest was a wake-up call. To quit drinking, not hate Jews. (AOL)
- GRACEFUL EXIT: The single best moment of a pretty enjoyable season premiere of SNL? Brian Williams getting bumped from Weekend Update, of course. (HuffPo)
- JACKASSES: The theater employees who decided to rename the new Johnny Knoxville movie Jackbutt Two. For real. Jackbutt Two. (TMZ)
- BORING BOOB: If you think about it, isn’t Pamela Anderson’s entire life just one big nip-slip? (Splash)
- SPOONBENDER: Are Lohan and Keanu having some kind of excellent adventure I don’t even begin to want to know anything about? In the words of the latter…woah. (A Socialite’s Life)
- CASTING CALL: Steve-O is looking for “wussies” he can help “overcome their inhibitions”. So if you’ve ever felt a little sheepish about publicly humiliating yourself by pissing all over your last shred of dignity for a reality show, get those headshots in quick-like! (ONTD)
- FILANTHRAPIE: Carrie Underwood has joined a literacy campaign for rednecks who can’t read good called “Read Y’all”. Insert your own irony-drenched punchline here. (Yahoo!)
- WEREWOLF HYGENIE: Actor-Turned-Teen-Wolf Matteo McConaughey is making sure his fangs are good and clean. (MollyGood)
- COOL SCHOOL: McAwesome University, the only institution of higher learning that offers degrees in “Volton Studies”, “Beer Gluttony” and “Poetic Self-Loathing”. (McAwesome U, via Lindsayism)