Sharpen Your Shivs: NYC Star Maps!

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STARMAP.JPGNew York Magazine has compiled a NYC Map of the Stars, replete with a handy-dandy, easy-to-stalk grid. While the magazine claims that the pinpoints are not the exact locations of the stars, it does encourage readers to hang out at the corner bodegas to try and catch a glimpse of Derek Jeter buying a 40 oz., or to check out what kind of pornography Karl Lagerfeld prefers (Men on Horseback). We know how many of our readers are expert cartographers, and not necessarily creepy fans of celebrity-related things, so please: Enjoy. (Link via Gawker.)

SIZZLER: Leto Shops at Urban Goutfitters

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letosuffers.jpgAfter his band 30 Seconds to Mars performed to a completely uninterested crowd (except for thirty or so eyeliner-wearing message board superfans in the front row) at last weekend’s Lollapalooza Festival, Jared Leto took a long enough break from being totally punk rock in the Fila swag suite to explain to Page Six why he was sporting a pair of decidedly un-indie plastic clogs. After gaining and losing so much weight for his upcoming film Chapter 27, Leto has developed gout, a painful mineral buildup in the joints. Could this also be the reason for his pretentious emo rockstar posturing? Either way, his suffering is as real as the make-up-colored tears streaming down his sad little cheeks.

OVER/UNDER: One Ocean View

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one oceanv.jpg“Basically I wake up in the morning and every day is the best day of my life. Because I know that I’ve gotten better looking from the night before.”- Usman, One Ocean View

ABC’s Fire Island reality show One Ocean View is two episodes old now, but judging by the bland characters (everyone other than Usman, naturally), contrived drama, and overall borrrrrrrrrrringness of the show, I can’t imagine it lasting that much longer. Now, I haven’t checked the ratings– for all I know it’s the Two & A Half Men of reality shows– but I’d be shocked… SHOCKED… if One Ocean View makes it past episode number 4. I mean, have you seen it? It’s a poor man’s The Hills, full of rock music so generic it makes the Hilary Duff intro on Laguna Beach sound like the White Stripes. You know it’s bad when your friends describe a montage song as a “lame Jet rip-off.” Um, isn’t that a bit redunant?

So the OVER/UNDER is 4 episodes. Will One Ocean View surpass the 4 episode mark? Will it fall short and crap out at three? Or will it survive two more weeks only to get the plug pulled immediately following the airing of the fourth? What do you think? Vote now!

Cher Your Thoughts!

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What’s most disturbing about this picture of Cher?

a. Cher looks like a dead fish pulled out of the ocean.
b. Cher spent $48 on a bag full of clothes from Wet Seal.
c. Cher probably takes 3 hours to cross a street.
d. Despite our harmless jibes, Cher still has a great body.
e. Cher was seen in a suburban mall minus an entourage.

Vote now!
(Photo via X17)

SIZZLER: Putting the “Sir” in “You Got Served”

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MILLS.jpgLesson to all you one-legged models out there: Probs best not to date/marry Sir Paul McCartney. McCartney, who was famously married to soft-core porn model Heather “Ilene” Mills, is now in the midst of what’s looking to be a nasty divorce. Most everyone’s favorite Beatle had to freeze his bank account last month after Mills withdrew nearly $2 million. Attorneys now say that McCartney could lose up to a quarter of his wealth, or roughly the GNP of Portugal.

Yesterday, police responded to a call that a strange man was climbing over the wall of McCartney’s property. Turns out, it was Mills’ bodyguard, told to climb over the wall after McCartney went ahead and changed the locks without telling her. How bad must it suck to be a one-legged woman’s bodyguard, p.s.? It’s like “Um, do me a favor? Can you climb over this wall and break into my ex-husband’s house for me? I’d do it… but with the leg and all… so… yeah.” No charges were pressed, but the message is pretty clear: Keep you and your parts off my property.

Who are you guys siding with?

While You Were Contemplating the Scientific Possibility of Time-Travel, Based On What You Saw In the ‘Back To the Future’ Movies

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  • Girls Gone Wild creator Joe Francis sexually assaulted a female reporter from the LA Times sent to determine whether he’s really guilty of all those sexual assualt accusations. I can’t decide whether this the dumbest or most genius PR move of all time, but I’m pretty sure of one thing: Joe Francis is a really classy guy.
  • Ralph Shapiro, the prosecutor who filed DUI charges against Mel Gibson, has been taken off the case and will be replaced by deputy DA Gina Satriano. The switch is the result of a motion filed by Gibson’s lawyers requesting their client have more access to “sugar tits” in the courtroom.
  • Speaking of Mel Gibson, a mobile phone company is now offering a ringtone called “Mel In Malibu”, featuring an impersonation of the Aussie’s booze-fueled rant. It’s the perfect gift for any self-loathing, war-causing Jew, and just in time for Rosh Hashanah!
  • When Iron Maiden frontman Bruce Dickinson heard 200 of his countrymen were stranded after having fled the war in Lebanon, he jumped into a 757, picked them up, and flew them to safety. Then he bit off the head of a live chicken, covered himself in its blood, and performed a brain-crushing rendition of “Bring Your Daughter to the Slaughter”. Now THAT’S f*cking metal.
  • Paris Hilton insists that she never profited from her infamous sex tape. It may have brought her career opportunities that were previously unfathomable, and helped her achieve worldwide celebrity status despite having no discernible accomplishments of any sort, but she most certainly DID NOT profit from it. What kind of person do you think she is?

GAMES: Snakes On A Babe

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snakes babe.JPGThe folks who put together Snakes On A Plane know exactly how to go after the male demographic. First, they combined two things that all guys love: snakes and planes. Then, they added the one actor all guys agree is pretty badass: Samuel L. Jackson. And now, they’ve combined SoaP with every guy’s favorite video game: that sleazy one at the bar where you touch the screen to remove things until you see a naked girl. Sweet!

Head on over to Snakes On A Babe (get it?) to play that sketchy game in the privacy of your own home (or office.) It’s a great way to waste time until the inevitable porno with the same name comes along and ruins all the fun.

Link thanks to Egotastic.

Best Night Ever: Monday, August 7th

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It’s Best Night Ever for Monday, August 7th! Brian Faas is here to walk you through the best of Monday night tv, including Treasure Hunters, Hell’s Kitchen, and One Ocean View!

…Of The Day

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  • CAN’T MISS CAST: Rob Corddry, Jessica Alba, Paul Rudd, Winona Ryder and Oliver Platt directed by BWE’s own David Wain. Buy your ticket today. (AICN)
  • RE-EDIT: Darth Smartass. The most entertaining thing from Star Wars… ever. (Boing Boing)
  • BIRTH CONTROL ADVERTISEMENT: I hope Britney gets a couple of bucks from the makers of The Pill every time she leaves the house. (Faded Youth)
  • LESBIANS GOING AT IT: Ellen vs. Oprah weekdays at 4? Uh oh. It’s time to choose sides, people. (Jossip)
  • GNARLS IN CHARGE: Watch Cee-Lo get down in tennis attire at Lollapalooza. (Stereogum)

It’s Monday night, which means The Closer & Saved are on TNT, another episode of One Ocean View is on ABC, an all new Hell’s Kitchen airs on Fox, and there’s a whole bunch of other crap everywhere else. So what are YOU watching tonight? Vote now!

Paris Hilton Will Make A Great Virgin!

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PARIS.jpgOK, we’re pretty sure that Paris Hilton is screwing with more than just the minds of the American people. In an interview with British GQ, the ass-goitered socialite claims that even though she travels about town with one or both of her labes hanging out of her shorts, and even though her sex video made it possible for people to finally watch porn while sitting in their cubicles at work, she’s actually quite the prude! In fact, she’s only slept with two men in her life (half of those times while the camera was rolling, obvs.) And she blames her celibacy on the demise of most of her relationships. Sure, Par. That’s it. Your “celibacy.” Not the fact that your mere existence proves that one can reanimate dog crap. Not the fact that you’re officially the only person to be referred to as a “fart in a mitten.” No — the celibacy. (Italics indicate lies, folks.) Hilton has now vowed to remain celibate for the rest of the year.

You know, there goes an old saying: Don’t buy your apples at a horse farm because you’ll end up with a mouthful of turds. While it doesn’t apply to this situation at all, and while it is a saying I just made up, I think the point of it rings clear: You are a dirty, ugly liar, Paris Hilton. So why don’t you go take your Hurricane Katrillions of dollars, and your zoo of rare and abused miniature animals, and leave the American people alone already. We’re much more concerned about Kate Bosworth‘s breastplate, thank you very much.