Before working here, I’d never seen The View, nor had any inclination to do so. But Barbara Walters and her menopausal minions have won me over with their ability to create daytime drama unfathomable to even the soap writers over at Passions. From Merideth Vieira’s tearful farewell to Rosie O’Donnell taking her place to Babs giving Star Jones her walking papers, and with a whole bunch of minor hilarities packed in between, this talk show for women has emerged as a kind of estrogen-fueled version of WWF Wrestling, only with less tights, more Botox and roughly the same amount of elbow-drops. The latest factor in their equation of insanity is this recent announcement that Shannen Doherty, widely known for her unmatched powers of b*tchiness, will be filling Star’s empty spot for a few episodes, presumably trying out for a permanent spot on the show. The mind reels at all the possibilities for the various conflicts this move could produce, but after the jump I’ve done some free associations and listed the first few scenarios that came to mind.
Take a few minutes from your grueling workday to watch this trailer for the upcoming (and unnecessary) Rocky sequel. Be sure to look closely into the eyes of Rocky Balboa as he pontificates the inherent dangers of facing a challenge that makes Ivan Drago look like Glass Joe – the fact that he just turned 60 years old and still trying to be a boxer even though everyone sort of lost interest in him when the Cold War ended. As it so often does, art seems to be imitating life in that Sylvester Stallone, like the character he made famous, is struggling with his own fading star, desperately fighting to stay on his feet in these late rounds of his acting career. Can the legendary fighter – and the actor who created him – overcome the odds and pull out an inspiring victory, or is somebody ’bout to get knocked the f*ck out? No matter what happens, we’ll always have a veggie tray with his name on it.
- Justin Timberlake has a new track out on the Internets. It’s not bad, but I’m sure that right now Britney Spears is somewhere in Malibu, thanking her lucky stars that she ended up with the mastermind behind “PopoZao” instead of that talentless Timberlake hack.
- Russell Crowe apparently stopped punching people long enough to hop onto the Hollywood baby bandwagon (procreation – it’s so hot right now). I’ll never understand what exactly qualifies a celebrity baby for media obsession, but the dude won an Oscar and everything – the least you could do is pretend to care about seeing “exclusive” pictures of the kid.
- Lindsay Lohan freaked out on some paparazzi before sobering up long enough to realize that they’re really the only reason she’s still famous, at which point she was so overcome with guilt that she offered them beers. And once again, life comes full circle and balance in the universe is restored.
- Nicky Hilton has decided to get into the family business that isn’t prostitution. But no matter what happens, she always has that as a fall-back.
- Is Vinnifer ever going to get married? If they did, what would Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie and Regis Philbin think about it? Do you think their wedding vows would be funny? And most importantly, now that their movie has come and gone, is it finally okay to stop caring?
It’s Best Night Ever for Thursday, July 6th! Alan is here to walk you through the best of Thursday night tv, including Master of Champions, Big Brother 7, and The Dudesons!
- CONSPIRACY THEORY: Suri Cruise does not exist! I’ve been saying that all along, people. Ever since Tom asked me to audition for the role. (IDLYITW)
- EXERCISE: Rope Yoga. Hey, if it’s good enough for Superman it’s good enough for me. (Defamer)
- FANTASY BASEBALL ADVICE: That is, if your team consists of serial killers. (McSweeney’s)
- BIRTHDAY: Sylvester Stallone turned 60 today. And yes, he can still kick your ass. (IMDB)
- CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH: Justin Timberlake vs. K-Fed. Sadly, it’s just clay. (Popbytes)
- It’s not officially summer until you download at least three tracks by The Beach Boys. Thank God Slow Motion Radio Station is here to help.
- Obscure Sound has four tracks off of one my favorite albums from last year, Howl Howl Gaff Gaff by The Shout Out Louds. Download them, then go pick up the whole thing.
- Today The Music Slut posted tracks by Ryan Adams, Tori Amos, Oasis, Nellie McKay and Weezer. The Music Slut really gets around.
- Over at Pop Tarts Suck Toasted the theme of the day is Stephen Malkmus. So that’s where you want to go to download a solo track, a Pavement track and a Silver Jews track if you’re into that sorta thing.
- And finally, A Spacious Hole In The Ground is super-pumped about the upcoming Gin Blossoms CD (yes, apparently there’s an upcoming Gin Blossoms CD), and posted a new mp3. Admit it, you’re curious. Come on. Admit it.
The England estate of metal god Ozzy Osbourne was engulfed in hellish flames after an
electric demonic lamp shorted out, causing a small-but-evil fire that fortunately – or unfortunately, depending on how much you’re into Sabbath – was extinguished quickly, and did not result in a Satanic offering of scorched Osbourne flesh. Nobody was hurt (no, not even the kids), and the fire only caused minor smoke damage, but the whole thing was still pretty f*cking metal. After the initial shock (or flashback) wore off, Ozzy mumbled something about his excitement to return home and resume his regular existence as a tragic-but-amusing weirdo drug-casualty.
One of the few genuine perks of covering celebrity gossip by poring over thousands of boring paparazzi pictures of assorted starlets is the beloved moment when a young celebutant’s desire for captivating cleavage gets hijacked by gravity, resulting in a brief-but-wonderful public exposure of their private parts. I am referring, of course, to the Nipple Slip. From Janet Jackson’s “wardrobe malfunction” to Paris Hilton’s incessant red carpet exhibitionism, there have been many a great nipple slip in my day, which is why I was so glad to discover this revealing compilation video that pays tribute – sometimes in wonderful slow motion – to some of the best nipple slips caught on camera. So lock your office door, sit back, relax, and feel like a boob for a couple minutes as you enjoy this video celebration of celebrity over-exposure at its best. (NSFW – but you knew that)
Did we really need a second music video for Paris Hilton’s “Stars Are Blind”? Actually, did we really need a first? Well, necessary or not, another version has surfaced. Check it out.
I don’t know which one is better, the one where Paris dry humps a guy on the beach or… the other one where Paris dry humps a guy on the beach. Which one do you prefer?
(To watch Paris’ first video the way it’s meant to be seen, click here)
Lindsay Lohan’s breasts are back… and with the right amount of publicity and proper PR spin, could very well be the big breasts of the summer.
It seems like Lindsay and her people (and her breasts) have devised a plan to ensure that her breasts are on everybody’s lips this season. Much like The Strokes did back in 2001 and Gnarls Barkley did a couple of months ago, Lindsay and her people (and her breasts) have decided to break her new breasts out overseas first. See: Her British GQ spread. They figure that if her breasts get big in England then people will start talking. They’ll build some buzz, and when the time is right, they’ll head back to the US. With any luck, thousands of screaming fans will be waiting at the airport to greet them and a within a few weeks they’ll be on display in the Ed Sullivan theater for all to see. It’s not too far fetched, if you ask me.
So after a short hiatus, Lindsay’s breasts are back. Will the reunion tour be a success (see: Kiss) or a failure (see: Van Halen w/ Diamond Dave)? Only time will tell. Either way, if you ask me, it’s good to have them back (I’ve always been a fan.)
See more Lindsay pics over at A Socialite’s Life