US Magazine reports in tomorrow’s issue that Jessica Simpson, i.e. “The Voice of a Collageneration”, and John Mayer, i.e. “Douchey Scissorhands McWatson”, are an item. “But how can this be?”, you ask yourself. “Jessica Simpson has fallen ‘ass over tits’ for Dane Cook” your brain keeps repeating while you secretly cut yourself. We thought the same thing…
But get this. Jessica Simpson has lost her voice. While her album is set to debut tomorrow, she’s on doctor’s order to rest her vocals, as she has a “bruised vocal cord.” (We only hope it is NOT related to Dane Cook in any way.) And supposed new squeeze John Mayer? ALSO HAS LARYNGITIS. (Again, hopefully not Dane Cook related.) Could these two lovebirds be speaking one another sign language in a hidden location somewhere? We’re calling major conspiracy town — and we’re not gonna lie, we kinda like them together!
The Emmys are over, and by now we’ve all seen a little nipple and a whole lot of Piven. So what’s left? Well, we have some awards For Your Consideration that need to be doled out for the Red Carpet pre-Emmy coverage. We won’t keep you waiting… the nominees are:
We’re definitely going to be having nightmares about that Barry Bonds Neck tonight. You?
Par-Par Hilton has purchased a $195,000 ticket on Richard Branson‘s yet-to-be-built space ship (Paging George Jetson: It won’t happen.) But because of the lack of a bathroom on board, the normally commando Hilty will have to wear a diaper. Now, we’re almost positive that Paris doesn’t really use bathrooms, even here on solid ground. Hilton was nearly sued by a cab driver in January who claims that she peed in the back of his cab. And a very reliable source of ours claims Paris once squatted down in the corner of a Jamaican club, skirt at waist, pissing all over the floor. In our opinion, diapers would be a great improvement — and frankly, we’d pay $200,000 out of our own pocket to send Paris into space. We believe this is what game theorists and greedy people call a “win-win” situation. It just depends on how you look at it…. and zing.
We love lists and we love YouTube, so when Gorillamask directed us to a list of the Ten Worst TV Talk Show Hosts– complete with clips and all– we were elated. That was until we saw the one-and-only Tony Danza listed at #10. Long time readers know that we LOVE Danza, and his inclusion here is absolutely unwarrented. Jenny Jones, Magic Johnson and Chevy Chase– they deserve it. But not our Danza. Click here to read the list and watch the clips. And do yourself a favor- watch the clip of The Chevy Chase Show below. Now THAT was awful.
If estranged grandfather Jon Voight ever hopes to get far enough back into the good graces of enstranged daughter Angelina Jolie to see his grandkids, he’d better start brushing up on a few important details: like their names. When offering birthday wishes to Jolie’s son Maddox during this recent red-carpet interview, Voight also tried to send his best to “Shakira”, the Latin-American pop singer whose name he presumably mistook for that of his 1 1/2 year-old grand-daughter Zahara. It’s a pretty embarassing mistake, but at least he didn’t tack on “or Jihad or Timba or Mojibimbo or whatever the hell stupid African name their do-gooder mother gave them” to the end of his greeting.
Laaaadieeeees! Are you wondering where your husband is late at night? Why, when you go to kiss him in the evening — to quote my favorite Maury Povich guest of all time — “his mouth smells like straight-up p****”? Well, maaaaybe it’s because you’re a worthless housewife who can’t make a cup of coffee worth a damn. If this sounds like you, watch the following Folger’s commercial from the 1950′s, and try your best to scrap together the final dregs of your failed relationship.
Christina makes one hell of a Ringleader… but the bearded lady definitely has some work to do.
Your turn. Leave your Captions in the Comments now!
On the latest intallment of the P. Diddy’s bizarre YouTube podcast series Diddy TV, the Bad Boy mogul makes us privy to his time in the privy, and allows us to witness the entire glorious experience of relieving himself of last night’s Cristal. It’s truly a sight to behold (just be sure wash your hands, and your eyes, afterwards):
It’s Best Night Ever for Monday, August 28th! Shea Hess is here to walk you through the best of Monday night tv, including Prison Break, Vanished, and Wife Swap!