Through our shady network of operatives here in the Viacom family, BWE has obtained the following copy of a secret personal memo delivered to Tom Cruise by armed agents of Viacom chief Sumner Redstone, responding to what Tom and his partner have been telling the press. We present it to you, unedited and without further comment – full text after the jump.
TO BE READ IMMEDIATELY
TO: The Pansy-Ass Nancy Boy In the Kooky Space Cult Who Thinks He Can Insult Sumner F*cking Redstone
FROM: Sumner F*cking Redstone
RE: Your continued existence in the universe.
Listen here, you crackpot little pretty boy. You might think that Hollywood stardom has given you power greater than any other in the world, but I’ve got news for you: grinning and posing your way through a handful of stupid action movies has earned you approximately .01 percent of the unfathomable planetary dominance I’ve been weilding since before you were even born. I’m Sumner F*cking Redstone, and my company Viacom owns more of the people and property on this planet than most of the countries I allow to exist upon it. I hate to break this to you, but there is no God or Allah or Xanadu (or whatever the hell you idiots call your silly little space ruler) – there is only Viacom, Microsoft, Vivendi, Sony, and so on and so forth and Sumner F*cking Redstone.
Retired President Bill Clinton seems to have rested and relaxed himself to the point of exhaustion, as he was caught falling asleep at a 9th inning, 1-run nailbiter between the Mets and the Cards. Why is Bill so drained? (Begin Comedy Timewarp to 1999) Is something going on behind that barricade that we don’t know about? (Return to Comedic Present) But you can’t really hold the ex-President’s exhaustion against him, seeing as how other presidents – say a certain one who’s currently more “active” than Bill – would likely nod off in the late innings of a diplomatic “nailbiter”, the outcome of which could result in some crazy North Korean dude grand-slamming the entire human race into nuclear oblivion. Heads up, W!
Those artistic geniuses over at Gallery of the Absurd have done it again, this time bringing us a Michael Lohan-inspired cartoon drawing by Katie Holmes, who clearly seems to be trying to tell us something. It’s sort of like when psychologists have little kids draw pictures that explain the abuse they’ve suffered, except in Katie’s world, psychologists don’t exist and “suffering” is just another word for “in need of extensive Thetan-cleansing”.
We loved last night’s Project Runway for many reasons. First, we got to see relatives of our 8 remaining designers, including Uli‘s and Michael‘s sweet-as-candy mothers. Second, we learned that 6-foot-tall albino broomstick Laura is pregnant with her sixth child, defying all laws of Amishly-hipped physics. Thirdly, Vincent didn’t do anything too insanely creepy, which might be a miracle. And fourth, Michael Kors‘ mother made us fall in love with him all over again (even though a pair of his shoes nearly sent us to our deaths.)
But, as usual, there were things we hated too. Robert getting “auf’d” for instance. Who is Kayne supposed to bitch to now? Thems two were adorable. Also, where was Tim Gunn last night? There should be a requirement that at least 5 minutes of every episode be dedicated to Tim’s designer opinions. But what was perhaps the worst thing to happen last night was seeing Jeffrey Sebalia‘s true a-hole colors — and while his mother was around, no less! Jeffrey had to design a garment for Angela’s heavy-set Mom, and instead of building her up, or going with some of her requests, he managed to design a heinously-draped mumu with Ray Charles seams… not to mention tearing down her self-esteem in the process. For once, we felt sorry for Angela! (Fret not, we still hate her “signature rosettes.”)
What did you think of the episode? Did Vincent deserve to win? (We liked Uli’s design, left, the best.) Were we the only ones appalled by Jeffrey’s cocky behavior?
It may come as no surprise that Kevin Federline‘s rap skills are above and beyond amazing, but who knew that Federline was also a cracking member of the intelligentsia? It’s true! The corn-rowed-crooner claims that he totally aced probably the most important test of his life. No… not Britney‘s “Conch Fritter Cook-Off”… his GED! K-Fed claims he aced his test with flying colors, and that even though the test isn’t that challenging he (QUOTE) “actually got amazing-ass test scores on it,” the highest in California. When you consider how many misunderstood prisoners take that test every year, it IS a pretty big deal. And it seems pretty obvious that only a genius could pen these lyrics “Kitty … little bitta t*tty … Wanna know where I go when I’m in your city…”
Check out this exclusive scan we got of K-Fed’s diploma:
Check out this 80′s ad for the Isuzu Gemini. We love it for a few reasons. 1. It’s mesmerizing; 2. It was made before CGI technology, meaning it’s possible someone lost their life during shooting; 3. The song reminds us of Dance Dance Revolution, our favorite video game; and 4. Dancing cars!!
Robbers looking to make a quick buck in Las Vegas instead found themselves with a hyperventilating diva on their hands. It won’t be hard for fans of American Idol to remember Mikalah Gordon, the nasal 16-year-old who Simon Cowell desperately wanted to bang. Some hoodlums approached Gordon and a male friend in Las Vegas Tuesday night, ordering her to lie on her back, slamming her head into the ground, and groping the now 18-year-old singer. But Gordon’s instincts kicked in, and the girl started having a major panic attack — picture The Nanny climbing Mt. Everest — luckily scaring off her attackers.
But what concerns us most is this: They only got away with a cell phone and five bucks. FIVE DOLLARS. Is that how much money Mikalah carries around at 3:30 in the morning? Is the 19 Entertainment contract really that bad? Or was this some sort of Clueless-esque ruse to garner Gordon some extra time in the spotlight? (Las Vegas = Sun Valley; “male friend” = this dude.) While authorities are still on the lookout, we have four words for who is responsible: John Michael Karr, obvs.
We caught glimpse of the new Coldplay video for “The Hardest Part” today… and, well, we are at a loss for words. It’s kind of funny, but frankly, its nooniness so overwhelms that we really aren’t able to laugh. And if you don’t know what “noony” means, click here. Also… is that David Byrne in a thong? And… Linda Dano? Wait, why do we know that? Oh God, this is traumatizing.