Just because Axl Rose’s abilities as a performer aren’t anywhere near what they were 15 years ago doesn’t mean his childish off-stage hijinx aren’t right back to their prime. First he got into a slap-fight with an aging, effeminate fashion designer during some movie star’s birthday party. Pretty hardcore. Now the cornrowed rocker has gotten himself arrested in Sweden after starting a fight with a woman that resulted in a drunken bar brawl, then biting the leg of the security guard who tried to break the whole thing up. It may not be the 80s, it may not be setting the Sunset Strip on fire, and Axl may no longer be musically or culturally relevant, but you’ve at least got give the guy a B for effort.
Supermodel Naomi Campbell, who is appearing in court today to face charges of physically abusing a maid who lost a pair of her blue jeans, has been accused of yet another abuse incident, by another maid, over another pair of misplaced jeans. Are you listening, Home Cleaning Professionals? For your own well-being, please pay extremely close attention to the following advisory warning, because one day it could save your life:
Never, EVER, under any circumstances, misplace a pair of Naomi Campbell’s jeans.
Also, you must understand that this violent behavior is not Naomi’s fault – she has an abuse abuse problem. We all know that celebrity and addiction go hand in hand – Pete Doherty to drugs, Charlie Sheen to sex, Britney Spears to misery – and Naomi is no different: she wants to stop beating the help, but first she needs to get help for her problem (then not beat them).
You think Kevin Federline is annoying? Imagine living with him. According to Life & Style magazine:
Insiders says heâ€™s driving wife Britney Spears crazy with his nonstop rapÂping around the house â€” especially when sheâ€™s trying to have a serious conversation with him. â€œShe says itâ€™s way beyond a joke now,â€ says a Spears family friend. â€œSheâ€™ll be talking to him, and then heâ€™ll burst into some rap rhymes without warning or apparent reason.
Just try to imagine that– K-Fed following you around the house, rapping without warning. No way to shut him up. No escape. No wonder Britney looked like such a mess during her Matt Lauer interview. How could she be expected to keep it together when she has PopaZao rapping in her face all day?
We’re sorry for being so hard on you Britney. We never fully understood the daily trauma you’re forced to endure.
What kind of Messiah would Brangelina’s baby Shiloh be if her blessed life were not worshipped and honored in song? Admit it, while slightly repulsed, you’re not altogether surprised that someone has finally taken the initiative to write the inevitable “Shiloh Nouvel” song. The divinely-inspired musicians are none other than The Fresh, an LA-based musical comedy duo. Go to their MySpace page, turn up the volume, and give your most reverent attention to the beatific sounds of this most holy choir.
In what is turning out to be the greatest – and grossest – trading card collection since Garbage Pail Kids, Gallery of the Absurd’s Celebrity Trading Cards combine artistic talent with inane celeb gossip and produce hilariously creative results. There are only two cards so far (the first depicted Jessica Simpson’s creepy dad), but I can’t wait to see what sort of besteverness those kids come up with next.
Tom Cruise conspiracy theories are fun. Tom picked Katie Holmes to be his gf off a list of available actresses; Katie signed a multimillion dollar 5-year girlfriend contract; She was never pregnant; Suri doesn’t exist; War of The Worlds wasn’t a terrible movie; Tom likes women; etc, etc, etc. Well, now there’s a new one to add to the list:
Tom Cruise was never actually married to Nicole Kidman.
The BBC is reporting that Kidman’s 10-year union to Cruise wasn’t recognized by the Catholic Church of Australia. The service was seen only as a legal ceremony and not a spiritual one. In other words, according to the Catholic Church anyway, it never happened. [continue reading]
Okay, okay, so the full story is actually Tom Cruise was never actually married to Nicole Kidman in the eyes of the Catholic church. But come on. Where’s the fun in that?
- Gwyneth Paltrow has announced that she is currently in the process of recording an album. It makes sense, I guess: she acted in a crappy movie about karaoke singers and she’s married to a crappy pop singer – she deserves the chance to sing crappy music of her own.
- Conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh was detained at an airport this week when authorities discovered a prescription bottle of Viagra in his luggage that didn’t have his name on it. Though he found it difficult to explain to authorities why he had Bill O’Reilly’s penis pills, six copies of the Log Cabin Republican Magazine and a filthy loofa, the fast-talking radio host was finally able to board his flight.
- There was a time when a Cameron Diaz nip-slip actually meant something. Now everyone’s all like, “Oh, it’s not her secret baby with Justin Timberlake’s newborn nipple? Then frankly we don’t give a damn.”
- John Cusack has filed for a restraining order against a woman he claims has been stalking him. The Los Angeles woman apparently really, really, REALLY loves dogs.
- Speaking of dogs: Moose, the Jack Russell terrier who played pooch “Eddie” for 10 years on Frasier, has passed away, joining Lassie, Benji and Old Yeller in the VIP section of doggie heaven (cause that’s where they all go), where he’ll spend his days eating Kobe beef and having more poodle sex than he ever thought possible.
It’s Best Night Ever for Monday, June 26th! Lauren Brown is here to walk you through the best of Monday night tv, including Treasure Hunters, Hell’s Kitchen, and How To Get The Guy!
- PETITION: Send Art Brut to Top of the Pops. I’m sure many of you don’t know who Art Brut is, or what Top of The Pops is, but trust me: it’s a good cause. (Pitchforkmedia)
- QUOTE: “How much cocaine would I have to do to lose 10 pounds?” – Paul Scheer’s mom. (Paul Scheer)
- SAD PASSING OF HOLLYWOOD ROYALTY: The most likeable character on Frasier, Eddie (real name: Moose) is no more. (D-Listed)
- ADVERTISEMENT: Al Gore & Bender from Futurama are here to scare the s**t out of you. (Screenhead)
- ASS KICKER: Ashlee Simpson. Keep it clean ladies, and please, stay away from the new nose. (Hot Online News)
After photos of Brangelina’s first baby sold for millions, and now that we’ve learned that TomKat’s price demands for Suri’s First Photo have still not been met, we thought we’d explain the volatile Celebrity Baby Photo market by providing you with this helpful price guide, using a broad spectrum of examples from which you might better understand the cost of getting exclusive shots of newborn stars 20 minutes before all the blogs do.
TomKat – $10 million, made payable to The Church of Scientology, along with no less than 12 open-minded recruits for a ‘preliminary audit’ at the Center