We are in the best mood! Why? Because the Suri Cruise Vanity Fair hit the newstands with a thetan-heavy thud this morning. While the magazine is being a little Vanity UNFair, in that they’re not allowing certain photos to be published, we’ve already purchased enough issues to completely shellack our foyers in its borderline-creepy-photoshopped goodness. Yes, we think the real father might be Jackie Chan, and yes, the below picture really is straight up “baby toupee“, but look at that face!! Maybe it’s our chronic constipation (aka “food baby”), or maybe it’s our biological Tivo ordering a season pass to loneliness, but celebribaby-mania has really made us yearn for a little cyborg of our own. Now, if you’ll excuse us, we need to register our profile on BeMyBabysDaddy.com.
According to South Park, everything tragic becomes funny after 22.3 years. But what if the tragedy involves a man who called himself The Crocodile Hunter being attacked by a sting ray? Then what are we talking? Like, 3 days?
Despite the fact that he passed away on Monday, people are already cracking jokes at Irwin’s expense. It’s shocking (whoops! That wasn’t supposed to be a sting ray pun, I swear). For instance, The Daily Gut has the Animal Kingdom’s response to Steve’s death. While Scott Adams, the man who created Dilbert (Dilbert! Remember that? Me neither) wrote a far from sensitive and far from funny (just like Dilbert!) post about Irwin’s death which consisted of the line “I believe death is not a laughing matter, unless the guy who gets killed is in the process of bothering dangerous animals.” Okay… it was a little funny. Adams pulled the entry after posting it on his site, but thanks to the magic of Yahoo caches, you can read it here.
So what do you think? Is three days “too soon”? You can either start laughing now, or you can wait another 22.29 years. It’s your call.
Thank Xenu for NYC blogger Andrew Krucoff’s love of consuming adult beverages in seedy Manhattan saloons, for we otherwise might have never known the joy witnessing this gross display of viral marketing from the “advertising whizzzards” in the Jackass #2 publicity department (let’s just all be glad they didn’t think of a more literal tie-in for the “#2″ aspect of the title). You may now behold the powerful majesty of Andrew’s “four Pabst” urine stream.
We know that Hollywood kids grow up fast, but was anybody ready for Suri Cruise to go through an emo phase at just 4-months-old? Friends say that she cries all the time, she doesn’t understand her parents, and you can’t leave her alone with a knife or she’ll probably cut herself. And you don’t even want to know what she’s been writing on her livejournal.
Suri Cruise: More emo than you’ll ever be.
- Orlando Bloom and Kate Bosworth have called it quits. Kate is reported to be heartbroken, and sources claim it to be true… you can a-literally see the crack through her breastplate.
- Michael Douglas is so bad with computers, he has his secretary fax over his e-mails. He then writes his response with a 3 foot long quill on quality parchment, rolls it up, tucks it into a miniature barrel, and attaches it to the neck of his beloved St. Bernard, “Reply.”
- And is Dustin Hoffman joining the Ku Klux Klan? Or just certifiably insane?
- Actress Zhang Ziyi is being torn to shreds in Chinese newspapers, after she wore the same dress of another actress, Xu Jinglei, two months later. Well, it’s nice to know that this blind bloodthirsty judgment of people in the spotlights is universal.
- Finally, Lindsay Lohan‘s vajayjay. Normally such a thing would be not safe for work, but in this case, it literally looks like the parts of a weird alien doll/pig hybrid. So click away.
It’s Best Night Ever for Tuesday, September 5th! Giulia is here to walk you through the best of Tuesday night tv, including House, Rockstar, and Nip/Tuck!
Suri Cruise has been revealed! (Click on thumbnails to enlarge) Katie Couric made her debut on the CBS Evening News tonight, and as part of all the hoopla, the network got an exclusive first look at The Second Most Famous Celebrity Baby in the WorldÂ©, Suri Cruise. And, sad to say, the baby is not an alien, as we had predicted. No, in fact, she’s pretty gorgeous. Which is why we’re so pissed. This is what we were waiting for? A beautiful, peaceful, human baby, void of any third eyes, cleft palettes, or Edward James Olmos-like acne scarring?! We have now officially placed all of our bets on dyslexia… but we’ll have to wait a good 11 years to find out for sure. And now, without further ado, blurry pics of Suri Cruise:
Oh, and if this post is down in the morning, and no one ever hears from me again, please assume I have been snipered by some very high powered lawyers/scien… well, you know. We’ll have better versions of these pics tomorrow when they’re “officially” released.
- ALBUM RELEASE: Forget about Paris, I want the remix album complete with topless artwork and 40 minutes of lines like “Why am I famous?” over generic beats. Some say better than the original.(Stereogum)
- T&FC: Whether she was getting groped her boyfriend or flashing the infamous Firecrotch, Lindsay Lohan was all over the internets today. (IDLYITW & PerezHilton)
- FAR FROM RAVE REVIEW: If you enjoyed Dane Cook’s HBO special last night you’re directly responsible for the death of comedy. I’m just sayin’. (LATimes)
- WHO KNEW?: Apparently some chick is taking over the CBS evening news tonight and that’s, like, a big deal or something. I guess. (Jossip)
- HOSTAGE SITUATION: When Kid Rock & Jeremy Piven storm the stage and take over a concert, you’re not going anywhere. Whether you like it or not. (Defamer)
It’s the BWE Tuesday Afternoon Movie for September 5th! Every Tuesday, we’ll post a short film from our panelists, friends, and user submissions. Want to submit a movie? Send your short films and sketches to firstname.lastname@example.org.
This week, sketch group Elephant Larry takes us to the darker side of Orange County. Enjoy!
You know, many people say “art is dead” (mostly pretentious idiots), but those people have clearly not seen a bronze statue depicting Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston engaging in hot 3-way sex. That, my friends, is art that is very much alive. According to Digital Spy (via TV Squad), Brooklyn-based artist Daniel Edwards, who you might remember as the master behind the Britney Spears Birthing Sculpture (so I was wrong about that whole “end this trend” thing), and who is quickly becoming the Picasso of the paparazzi-whores, is applying his visual talents to something the world actually wants to see: 3 hot people boning. So simple it just might be genius. Just as long as the piece doesn’t depict Vince Vaughn sullenly beating off in the background.