Those boozehounds over at College Humor sobered up long enough to produce another episode of their hilarious CHTV web shorts. This edition features a fairy tale, a paid advertisement for the many uses of Solo cups and, in a genius move, a filmed version of the popular drinking game “Never Have I Ever”. So strap on your beer helmet, pretend you’re not 28 years-old, and re-visit your college years right from your computer!
Mine heart, it weeps for thee, Star Jones. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I’d rather you hear it from me, a true friend, than from some other anonymous web-stalker. It seems your husband, that handsome universe of pizzazz Al Reynolds, was spotted visiting a divorce lawyer last week… Oh Star, honey, I know it’s awful. Come here, shhh… shhhh, it’s ok.
Yes. Yes, I know the media is hard on you, sweetheart. No, of course you don’t look like a bug-eyed bag of demon bones! I’m sure Al is very good to you. He bought you that purse? Wow, it’s gorgeous! And your dress… the shoes and that wall hanging? You are a lucky lady. Well, I guess you were a luck girl, anyway. Ha? No? We hear ya.
No, Star, you look fantastic. Everyone thinks so. Star, don’t — don’t eat that cupcake. Nobody wants to see you binge eat yourself to death, honey. No, Star, now, now put that lasagna down — No, not the entire rack of ribs, bones and all! Star, wait, that cow isn’t even dead yet! Star, please, your stomach — think of the staples!
Oh, who are we kidding. Cram it in down that filth-spewing hole in your face, darling. I hate to say it, but you’ve earned it. Now here’s hoping we never have to look at the two of you again.
Link via Gawker.
I learned a lot from this clip. I learned that Neil Armstrong is Lance Armstrong’s father, I learned the ESPYs may actually be worth watching, and I learned that Will Ferrell is the funniest man alive. Well, actually I already knew that. This video just reminded me.
Link via Gorillamask
Amidst the other Project Runway controversy, people seem to be forgetting about the tragedy that befell one of the show’s models, as reported last week. Jia Santos (real name Eliza Jakubek), a Hungarian model competing for a shoot in Elle Magazine, was hit by a city bus while riding her bicycle to the show’s studios. She was taken to St. Vincent’s Hospital, where she was in critical condition with a fractured skull and eye socket.
BWE has gotten exclusive word from inside her very hospital room as to the model’s recovery. Our correspondent alerts us to the following news:
- Jia is OK, and will be released soon. Her bloodwork just needs to get better so she can have a “filter” removed. (Ed Note: Medical experts in our offices have no idea what that means. Also, we don’t have any medical experts.)
- Her manager is named Javier, and clearly wants to exploit her accident to get press.
- She hates Jello and turkey, but does like pears.
We are happy to hear that Jia has recovered, but we are simply overjoyed that a model (a real-life model!) has any opinion about food whatsoever. And hey — we hate Jello too!
As far as her manager trying to exploit the accident, you can’t really blame the guy. I mean, eye patches are so hot right now.*
*We would normally never joke about a tragedy like this, but come on, she’s gonna be OK!
“Anyone watch The Contender, where they have this show to see who the best boxer is? That kinda reminds me of this other show where they tried to find out who the best boxer was. It was called boxing. Remember that? It was a good show, boxing.” – comedian Greg Giraldo
The Contender kicks off its second season tonight (on ESPN; ratings dropped faster than “Hurricane” Peter McNeeley on network TV) with Sly gone and Sugar Ray Leonard hosting the show all by himself. That should make for some great unintentional comedy. Beyond that, tonight you also have the premiere of ABC’s “please let this be our American Idol” reality show The One: Making Of A Music Star and new episodes of Big Brother, Rock Star: Supernova and Rescue Me. And so much more. So what are YOU watching tonight? Vote now!
The Blogging Project Runway blog received a personalized note from accused Project Runway cheater Keith Michael yesterday, in which Michael denies allegations of copying his application portfolio from major designer labels. In the poorly punctuated memo (presumably written on a bedsheet, Marquis de Sade style) Keith says, “the panel of judges that reviewed my work had many years of experience behind them. i found them neither ignorant, uninformed or in any way confused about their own profession.” Well, gee, thanks so much, GOD, for reassuring us (albeit sarcastically) that these extremely qualified, successful fashion folks aren’t “confused” about their life’s work. If there’s one way I would never think to describe Michael Kors, it would be “confused.” Personally, I would choose to describe him as a Mystic Tanned Cowardly Lion… but one firm in his beliefs.
One thing is certain: We cannot wait to see TV’s sexiest professor Tim Gunn fire a couple of rounds into this guy — sexual pun intended. Make it work!
Which of the men below hosted MTV’s Total Request Live and once dated Jennifer Love Hewitt, and which one helped Sherriff Andy Taylor keep the mean streets of Mayberry, North Carolina safe from crime? Take your time…
- Paris Hilton is comparing herself to Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana. Which of course begs the question: drug overdose or car accident?
- Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas is furious with the media for repeatedly reporting that she’s pregnant when she appears in public slightly overweight. She’s still cool with being called ugly, though.
- Tommy Lee refuses to autograph his infamous sex tape for moral reasons. He will, however, f**k anybody who asks him to.
- 71-year-old actress Sophia Loren won’t bare it all for next year’s Pirelli calender. Which would be depressing news… if that last sentence didn’t begin with the words “71-year-old.”
- Janet Jackson says Mariah Carey is the biggest diva she’s ever met. In girth.
It’s Best Night Ever for Monday, July 17th! Carolyn is here to walk you through the best of Monday night tv, including Hell’s Kitchen, Treasure Hunters, and Real World/Road Rules Challenge!
- GOD: Samuel L. Jackson, muthaf**kers. At least he will be in the new Audio version of The Bible (Contact Music)
- SIGN THERE IS A GOD: Somebody is going to win a date with Jessica Biel. Time to start praying again. (Hollywood Tuna)
- NEXT UP, THE CHICKEN: More than 35 million eggs will be used as billboards for CBS. Little, tasty billboards. (Defamer)
- AT LEAST SHE FLOATS: Pamela Anderson fell out of a boat. That of course begs the question; when a Baywatch lifeguard drowns, who runs in slow motion to save them? (The Bastardly)
WASTERDESTROYER: Every episode of South Park. Ever. Wow. (All South Park via Gorillamask)