FULL HOUSE CAREER PYRAMID

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Now that the lovable, lisp-able Full House star/ recovering meth addict, Jodie Sweetin is making a comeback, as the host of the new Fuse Network show Pants-Off Dance-Off– a series that challenges contestants to strip to popular videos, it got us thinking about the career successes of the rest of the Full House cast. 20 years after the show first aired, who’s on top of the world and who’s fallen off the face of the earth? We needed some way to compare the careers of all the castmastes. So we crunched some numbers, sniffed some markers and constructed the very first pop-up Full House Career Pyramid. CLICK ON THE IMAGE, THEN SCROLL OVER THE HEADS WITH YOUR MOUSE to find out why Stamos is on top of the heap and why Kimmy Gibbler, is lucky she made it on the pyramid at all.

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While You Were Cleaning Out Your Ears

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  • Sharon Osbourne says that Ozzy’s sex drive has been completely ruined by his 2003 motorcycle accident. I would have guessed it was the decades of massive drug abuse, or maybe a crippling fear of polluting the world with any more of his spawn.
  • Britney Spears has taken steps to legally trademark “Sean Preston”, her son’s name. She was more than a little miffed to then discover that husband K-Fed had already traded rights to the name to his dealer for a bag of weed and a FUBU hat.
  • Lindsay Lohan’s repeated bathroom breaks during a recent awards show annoyed nearby Vogue editrix Anna Wintour to the point of telling Lindsay-sitter Karl Lagerfeld to “control her behavior”. The starlet defended herself by saying, “You try staring at Karl Lagerfeld and Anna Wintour for two hours without having to puke a few times”.
  • Denise Richards’ restraining order requiring Charlie Sheen to stay at least 300 yards away from her and their children has been extended for another month. This is fine with Sheen so long as Richards doesn’t take the kids anywhere near strip clubs or high school sporting events.
  • The lead singer of Papa Roach says his band’s new album is “like a meat locker”. In that it stinks, sounds like animals being slaughtered, and will probably make you want to vomit.

CAPTION THIS: Cindy’s Signed Breast

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cc12.jpg Who knew Cindy Crawford was an Ultimate Fighting Fan? Apparently, the married mom and supermodel is so hot for the sport she had eight time champion Matt Hughes sign her right breast while her husband stood by looking on. While it appears he signed his name, here’s what we think he really wrote: Matt Hearts Boob. Leave your signature translations in the comments section…

(Picture via WWTDD)

Are You a Paris Hilton Apologist?

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paris-hilton-nipple-slip-music-video.jpgI’ve got to admit to being both surprised an disheartened by the “you know, this isn’t that bad” attitude people have been taking towards the leaked song and video from Paris Hilton’s forthcoming album. Just because your sonic expectations were probably set somewhere between “listening to your puppy die” and “press-on fingernails dragging across the world’s longest chalkboard”, doesn’t mean you should suddenly become a Paris apologist when her song ends up more in the neighborhood of “harmlessly generic MTV reality show background music”. If you think I’m being harsh, I challenge you to listen to a few more of her leaked tracks, then give me one logical reason why this music isn’t awful.

SIZZLER: Get Rich Or Divorced Tryin’

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kevinFinsuit.jpgAccording to The Sun, Britney Spears is furious after discovering that husband Kevin Federline is working on making a film about his life. The report goes on to say that K-Fed is planning to portray himself in a similar fashion as his idol and inspiration Eminem did in 8 Mile, which is undoubtedly his all-time favorite movie. While we can only hope this genius piece of cinema makes its way to theaters very soon, your friends here at BWE have managed to obtain a segment from an early draft of the screenplay, which was written by K-Fed himself and is tentatively titled “Fresno F*cking Around”. See it for yourselves after the jump!

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It’s June 8th; What’s up?

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alba movie.jpgTwo of America’s hottest sex symbols make their triumphant return to the small screen tonight, June 8th: Dylan McKay Luke Perry on NBC’s Windfall, and Drew Carey on Drew Carey’s Sporting Adventures on The Travel Channel. I’m not sure which one I’m more excited about.

Also on tonight: The MTV Movie Awards hosted by Jessica Alba. We already know that Wedding Crashers cleans up, that Gnarls Barkley steals the show, and that Jessica Alba is easy on the eyes. But what we don’t know is how many awkward cutaways to stone-faced celebrities the producers will bless us with each time one of Alba’s jokes falls flat. The over/under is 8. What are YOU watching tonight? Vote now!

POP SLUT VIDEO: Stars Are Blind

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By now you’ve probably heard Paris Hilton’s new single, “Stars are Blind.” You probably also kinda (begrudgingly) like it and want to learn more about it. That’s where Pop Slut Video comes in.

SIZZLER: Brad Might Not Be the Dad??!

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Shiloh-Nouvel-Jolie---Pitt-.jpgThings might not be as perfect as they seem in Africa. That’s right, we’re talking about Brad and Angelina. The National Enquirer is reporting that Brad Pitt might not be the father of new baby Shiloh. Sources say Angelina told friends she had slept with another man, which means there’s trouble in Brangelina’s Namibian paradise. We’re not sure if any of this is true, but check out this very first second picture of baby Shiloh that People posted on their site today. Brad looks less like an adoring dad, and more like he’s examining the kid to see if she inherited any of his features. From what I can see, Shiloh’s got Colin Farrell’s nose, Johnny Lee Miller’s coloring and Bruce Willis’ hairline. Sorry Brad, but it looks like this calls for a paternity test. And a live studio audience. And Maury Povich.

While You Were Watching Ellen Cut a Rug

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  • James Blunt is definitely dating Petra Nemcova . After seeing her face in a crowded place, he clearly knew what to do.
  • Donald Trump to produce game show version of Monopoly. But it’s just his excuse to wear a top hat and coattails.
  • Lindsay Lohan pisses off Anna Wintour with her endless trips to the bathroom at the CFDA awards. But forms an unbreakable bond with the bathroom attendant.
  • DJ’s say Paris’ new single is hard to ridicule because it’s not half bad. Lucky for VJ’s, the video is atrocious.
  • Britney’s mom calls on “Christian life coach” to save Brit and K-Fed’s marriage. But Jesus isn’t sure if he loves them.
  • Naomi Campbell is trying for a baby. Or rather, harvesting her own maid/personal assistant/Blackberry target.
  • Katie Holmes’s ex, Chris Klein finds love again.Or as he sees it, another woman to lose to an Operating Thetan Level 8.