We were fools to think that we could adequately cover all the breaking news surrounding the life of The Hoff with just one measley post a day, which is why we’ve finally come to our senses and created a round-up version of the Daily Hassle so none of the important Hofflines can fall through the cracks.
- Some soon-to-be-sorry security guard didn’t recognize The Hoff on the beach where Baywatch took place, and charged him a $7 admission fee to his own Hoffland. The guard has already been taken into custody and will be beaten, tortured and executed forthwith.
- You can bet your sweet ass The Hoff has the skills to pay his bills, no matter what his b*tch ex-wife tries to say about it.
- Ice-T is saying that he could teach The Hoff to rap for 5 million dollars. First hoff, there is nothing The Hoff doesn’t already know. Second hoff, Ice-T should have to pay 5 million dollars for these insulting remarks, especially considering he ripped hoff The Hoff’s hip-hoff classic “Hoff-killer” for his own song.
- Brit-rockers The Automatic demand that shrines to The Hoff be built in their dressing rooms at all performances. Hear that, Vh1? I told you guys I wasn’t the only one! In the future of all workplaces and Hoffices, shrines to The Hoff will be as commonplace as restroom facilities.
Well no matter how much we wanted to, we just couldn’t ignore all the props for reader veronicamae’s discovery of the official MySpace profile for Madonna’s Cameltoe. Granted, the page is pretty funny (and totally worth an add), but considering that most people in this country could sketch Madge’s Vag from memory, we weren’t sure it was front page worthy. But the readers have spoken, and the Cameltoe shall ride free! Please – please – keep dropping us more stuff so we don’t have to keep resorting to celebrity vajayjays.
Cher hotfoots it to an audition for the lead role in Mrs. Doubtfire 2.
Think you can do better? We know you can. We set the bar pretty low. Leave your captions in the comments! (Picture courtesy of TMZ)
For about one hot millisecond. With a pair of strange moon-sandal martian-meets-gladiator bootie thingies. Lindsay Lohan also claims that Sex and the City is the reason her vagina has such an open-whore policy. Now, brace yourselves for what is possibly the most hypocritical, disgusting thing you’ll ever read: “If I’m going to give my body to someone, I’d rather them not be with other people. But I want to be able to if I like someone else.” Looks like her phony double-standards match her phony double-G’s. It’s items like these that prove, simply and wholly, that drug use not only rots your brains and/or ethics, but also your fashion choices. Again, those shoes. Can someone possibly explain them?
I went to the movies last weekend, and as I was sitting through those obnoxious pre-preview commercials (I love paying $10 to be advertised to!), I saw what appeared to be an ad for another one of those stupid “drive around and maim people while destroying a city and abusing women” video games that the kids love so much these days. But the surprise ending was one of the funniest, most clever commercials I’ve seen in awhile. Check it out!
Yesterday, we waxed romantic about celebrity couples we love. Today, one relationship tidbit has sent our perfume-scented ticker tape into a printin’ frenzy: Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson have been having a secret love affair! The two met while filming the cinematic composte heap You, Me & Dupree, and have been inseparable ever since. According to Us Weekly, “Kate is crazy about him. Owen gives her so much attention, and she loves it.” Those of you out there not convinced, we offer some reasons why Kate is smitten with Owen over Hudson’s ex, Chris Robinson.
1. Owen Wilson is a successful actor.
2. Owen Wilson showers on at least a weekly basis.
3. Owen Wilson knows how to properly love a woman.
4. Owen Wilson does not wear tunics.
5. Owen Wilson technically has two penises.
6. Chris Robinson has no nickname referring to his sexual prowess, especially not one as complimentary as “The Butterscotch Stallion”.
This video has been making the rounds, but how could we not post something that features the comedic talents of BWE’s own Paul Scheer, Rob Heubel and Nick Kroll? Clell Tickle: Indie Marketing Guru tells the story of a man who uses fear and intimidation to make absolutely sure you can’t sign onto the Internet without hearing the words “Tapes ‘N Tapes“. Created by Aziz Ansari and the dudes over at The Human Giant, this should make you laugh and feel really cool for getting all the indie rock hipster references (also, watch for some great cameos!):
It’s Best Night Ever for Tuesday, August 15th! Alan is here to walk you through the best of Tuesday night tv, including Rockstar, Workout, and The Real World!