Working in Hollywood is a lot like working on a farm in that nobody can keep their hands clean forever. Celebrity and scandal go hand in hand, and like a loss of virginity (sometimes less metaphorically than others), you never forget your very first time. Despite getting a little dirt on them, some celebs seem like they’ll manage to come out of their first scandals clean as a whistle (UPGRADE), while others you just know will end up dirtier than Brandon Davis’ mouth (DOWNGRADE). Tell us which of these stained stars will continue to shine, and which ones are going to burn out before we know it.
The reviews of Lady in the Water are in, and they are not good. So instead of spending $10 to sit through 2 hours of evangelical mumbo-jumbo, check out this hilarious and yet terrifying short video called “The Life and Death of a Pumpkin,” and spend the remaining hour and fifty-five minutes organizing an angry letter-writing campaign to M. Night Shame-he’s-lame.
Check out this picture taken of Ashlee Simpson in New York City yesterday. Something about it is kind of confusing. Let’s begin with her face. She looks good following her nose job and possible lip plumping, you have to admit that. Good tan, standard issue 45-pound sunglasses, fake hair likely ripped from the hands of cancer patients. What’s confusing is her t-shirt. Ashlee apparently never got the memo that girls just don’t do… scat — I mean that, sorry… “that”. Why spend thousands on a face transplant if you’re just going to have people picture it all squinched up on a toilet somewhere? You wouldn’t wear a shirt that said “I’m So Happy I Could Just Skin A Baby”, would you? We imagine Jessica Simpson is looking very upset right now — assuming she still has the ability to make facial expressions.
- Naomi Cambell was arrested yet again after throwing a violent temper tantrum outside of her boyfriend’s house. I don’t know about you people, but I’d pay good money to see her go head-to-head with Pete Doherty in an all-out, no-holds-barred arrest-off.
- A woman was taken into custody for rushing the stage and attempting to accost Colin Farrell during last night’s taping of The Tonight Show. All she really needed to bed the star was a fifth of Bushmill’s and pack of Camels, but we admire her enthusiasm.
- Natasha Lyonne finally resurfaced after weeks of speculation that she had become a reclusive junkie. Turns out she’s actually just addicted to Ho Ho’s.
- A Colorado man is going on a date with Jessica Biel after winning a charity auction with a bid of $30,000. That might seem like a lot, but how else can you make four months’ salary last
foreverfor an hour?
- You know, something seems a little different about Stereogum today. I can’t quite put my finger on it… UPDATE: The hack is down. You can see a screengrab of it here, courtesy of Gawker.
It’s Best Night Ever for Thursday, July 20th! Brian Faas is here to walk you through the best of Thursday night tv, including Master of Champions, America’s Got Talent, and So You Think You Can Dance?!
- BLANDNESS: How bland is Orlando Bloom, exactly? Well, just consult the Pop Culture Chart of Blandness to find out. (The Jay)
- WTF? GIFT: Oh, a sweater with the faces of Shiloh and Zahara Jolie-Pitt sewn in? Um… thanks? (TMZ)
- UNREWARDING GAME: Build your own Suri Cruise. Hey, Tom & Katie did! (Showbuzz via PopSugar)
- PUNK WEDDING: The bride wore white, the groom wore a tux… wait a second, that isn’t very punk at all!!! Take a look at Avril & Deryck’s wedding album for pics of the beautiful bride. (I’m Not Obsessed)
- BATTERED SIXTH SENSE ALUM: Nope, it’s not Haley. It’s poor M. Night Shmabalaanynyn. Does anybody like his new movie? (Slate)
It rarely happens, but when it does, it’ll knock the wind outta ya. I refer, of course, to celebrity aging. Take, for example, Ethan Embry. When I think of Ethan Embry, I think of the adorable teen heartthrob from Dutch, Empire Records, and the most underrated movie of our time, Can’t Hardly Wait. So when I read the Go Fug Yourself headline “Celebrity Giamatti Watch: Ethan Embry“, I didn’t quite catch their meaning. Ethan Embry… Paul Giamatti… two of the finest actors of our time, sure… but that’s about the only comparison I could think of. It’s been years since I’ve seen Embry, but come on — how bad can a handful of years age you?
Well. Prepare to yell out a resounding OMG (as I did), and take a look at this current picture of dear, sweet, adorable Ethan. Don’t get me wrong, I’d still marry him… but I’d totally have upper hand.
- Too cool for a 10 favorite albums list, Macktronic listed their 10 favorite EPs instead. So head over there for mp3′s by Cold War Kids, Wolf Parade, Professor Murder and more.
- Rewriteable Content is off to the Pitchfork Festival in Chicago, so they posted tracks from Pitchfork faves like Ted Leo, Silver Jews, The Futureheads, Art Brut, and a bunch of other artists.
- Palms Out Sounds posted two great tracks today: one by Pharrell, and one by J.R. Writer featuring Paul Wall. Both are worth checking out.
- You Ain’t No Picasso has a brand new Ben Kweller track up today, on top of two older ones. I love this guy.
- And finally, Heartache with Hard Work pulled a few songs off the Old 97′s new greatest hits album. Perfect if you’re a little bit country… or a little bit rock and roll. Enjoy.
A small independent production company has Hollywood producers up in arms over their decision to release a straight-to-video film entitled Snakes on a Train, in a clearly calculated attempt to cash in on the hysteria surrounding blog-annointed cult-film-to-be Snakes on a Plane. While the move isn’t particularly surprising, it is interesting to ponder the philosophical puzzle this future bargain bin video presents: could people be as ironically influenced by a schlocky fright film that takes place not in high altitudes, but in the relative safety of train tracks? Should we find this premise even funnier, or more ridiculous, or both – and most importantly, do we love it? Granted, we were one of the first blogs to slither onto the Snakes on a Plane bandwagon, but this is all starting to get seriously confusing.
Two bits of news today have reinvigorated our faith in Hollywood and the whores that run it. Let’s get to the soul-crushing news first. 12-year-old Dakota Fanning, an actress who’s been in the business for 37 years, will be sucking more than human souls in her upcoming movie Hounddog. In an effort to blindside Oscar voters, Fanning will play a little girl who gets (Ed Note: Brace for shock) raped in one scene, and may appear nude in other scenes. Pardon us while we wash our eyesockets out with a flame thrower.
On the bright side, the world is bending over backwards at the news that Heath Ledger has been cast as the Joker in Christopher Nolan‘s upcoming Batman sequel. Heath Ledger and Christian Bale on screen together? I’m calling Brokeback chemistry! Check out our rendering of Heath as “The Joker” below — do you think Ledger can pull it off?