“Rape A Baby?” is totally the new “How Ya Doing?”

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Remember when we told you how Jenna Elfman and her husband accosted director John Roecker for wearing a “Scientology is Gay” T-shirt?” We thought the most bizarre part of the story was that Jenna asked Roecker if he ever “raped a baby.” Well, apparently that phrase isn’t just something she picked up on the set of Dharma & Greg. The Scoop explains:

What on earth was Jenna Elfman referring to when she asked film director John Roecker, “Have you raped a baby?” The “Keeping the Faith” star reportedly asked the question of Roecker when she saw him wearing a T-shirt mocking her religion, Scientology. “It’s one of the questions Scientologists are asked by Scientology leaders when they’ve misbehaved,” a source familiar with the religion explains.

So there you have it; it’s just a normal Scientology phrase. Now whoever said that that religion was weird?

Crime Drama Gets Racy, Complaints Get Even Racier

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Look, everyone gets their kicks in their own way. Some people like to watch teen sex, while others like to write about it graphically, in outrage. After a recent episode of the CBS crime drama “Without a Trace,” that showed a little too much hot teen sex, the network was flooded with emails that graphically describe the offenses of the orgy scene depicted on the show, even though most came from people who didn’t even see the episode. As a result, the FCC served CBS with a $3.3 million indecency fine.

According to the sexually-frustrated complaint from the Parents Television Council, the episode features a teen in “a bra and panties sitting astride the lap of a teenaged boy” and other young actors making “sexual bump and grind motions.” Astride? Bump n Grind? It must have taken a lot of restraint to not use the phrase “pulsating love plunger.” Though I do think the complaint’s cover page featured Fabio in an unbuttoned blouse. If you don’t get off on graphic harlequin-style parental complaints, you may prefer to watch the actual clip in question here. To each his own.

SIZZLER: Lohan Is Madonna’s Next Apprentice

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madonnaheadband.jpgNow that promising pupil Darth Britney Spears has been vanquished by the Jedi mind tricks of K-Fed, the Sith Lord Madonna has taken on a new apprentice – Darth Lindsay Lohan. MSNBC reports that Lohan’s initial flirtation with Kabbalah has evolved into some heavy petting via regular meetings with the Material Girl, and is now reaching the point of consumation, as the two divas are now discussing collaborating on a duet. So can we look forward to seeing these multi-generational sex symbols engaged in an awkwardly calculated mother-daughter Awards Show lesbian kiss anytime soon? Unfortunately, they just missed the MTV Movie Awards and the Oscars are still months away.

It’s June 15th; What’s up?

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windfall.jpgSo I have a question for you: Should I start watching Windfall? I feel like I should. Apparently it’s going to be the big hit of the summer, and since I have a history of missing big shows when they first come out (i.e. Lost, The O.C., Freddie, etc.) I’m thinking I should get on the Windfall wagon right away so I’m not left out. But I don’t know. Is it any good? Help.

Believe it or not, Windfall isn’t even the must-see show of the night. That award goes to its lead-in, Dateline, which centers around the very emotional and very pregnant Britney Spears. Based on the NBC promo, you know she’s going to break down and bawl her eyes out on at least one occasion. The over/under in Vegas is 3. You have to watch.

Beyond all that, tonight we have the season premiere of three MTV shows: Making The Band 3, Run’s House, and Pimp My Ride. So what are YOU watching tonight? Vote now!

While You Were Playing Hookie

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Best Night Ever: Wednesday, June 14th

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It’s Best Night Ever for Wednesday, June 14th! Dan Hopper is here to walk you through the best of Wednesday night tv, including So You Think You Can Dance?, Blue Collar TV, and Dog Bites Man!

…Of The Day

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  • THE SO-NOT-ENTERTAINING-IT’S-ENTERTAINING CONCEPT: The Worst of YouTube. (Dinnerpartyhead)
  • MISTAKEN IDENTITY: Matt Dillon mistaken for crazy knife-wielding maniac. Though he was just happy to be recognized. (BlogNYC)
  • DIE HARD, PUNCH HARDER: A paparazzo claims Bruce Willis attacked him. So… where are the pictures then? (TMZ)
  • DISTURBING PARENTING NEWS: Pam Anderson says her kids use the stripper pole in her bedroom more than she does. Don’t even ask about the handcuffs. (WWTDD)
  • CANDY: Chocolate Covered Penis… if you’re David Gest, that is. (Tabloid Whore!)

Celebrity Converts: Jesus 1, Tom Cruise 0

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tc.jpgTom Cruise has been actively recruiting Hollywood super-couple Brangelina ever since they had their baby. He’s offered Angelina humanitarian awards, and Brad paternal advice. He’s even lent the couple his private jet. But no matter what he does, beautiful, successful, emotionally-fulfilled Brangelina just won’t join Scientology.

Of course they won’t, they don’t need to. Tom’s heart’s in the right place, but he’s going about things in the wrong way. Every religious leader knows the best converts are people in crisis. Just ask Jesus, he’s already got his celebrity quota in the bag. Today drug-addled rehab-bound Pete Doherty told press he’s been talking to the big C, who told him to “pull himself together and repent his sins.” Now that’s the what we’re talking about, Tom, tough love on down-and-out celebrities. That’s the only way to play this crazy religion game. It also couldn’t hurt to drop the whole the alien thing. It’s kind of creeping people out.

LISTEN UP: BWE’s Daily Dose of the Best Music Ever

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  • It’s no “Crazy In Love” but it’s damn good. Checkerboard Chimes has Beyonce’s new single “Deja Vu”. Listen to it if you’ve forgotten how great Jay-Z is (he’ll remind you about 2 seconds in.)
  • Yeti Don’t Dance has a great cover of George Michael’s “Faith” today by The Boy Least Likely To. It’s roughly 10,000 better than the Limp Bizkit one (give or take).
  • Indieblogheaven posted a couple of tracks off the new Futureheads album that everybody seems to love. Go love it too.
  • Mp3 Hugger is all about the 12 months of the year, with tracks by Fiona Apple (“Pale September”), Band of Horses (“St. Augustine”) and so much more.
  • And finally, You Ain’t No Picasso has two tracks from Pitchfork’s favorite band of the week, the Evangelicals. Download them quick, before Pitchfork decides they’re “so over.”

BWE EXCLUSIVE: John Mayer Puts Down Guitar, Stands Up

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stand up.jpgWhen John Mayer dropped by Chappelle’s Show during its second season you couldn’t help but gain a new respect for the man. Sure, his lyrics to “Your Body Is A Wonderland” were funny; but seeing him hold his own with Dave made you realize that John could be intentionally funny as well.

So how funny is John, exactly? Well, if you’re in New York you can find out tonight. I was just tipped off by an anonymous BWE comedian (okay, it was Sherrod Small) that John is dropping by The Comedy Cellar tonight to try his hand at stand-up comedy. He’ll be hitting up the 11 o’clock show; so if you’re a hot, young female fan you should leave your boyfriend at home and head on down to MacDougal Street and check it out.

That last part was Sherrod’s idea, of course.

Update: Mayer says he’s not doing standup tonight:

Someone got very excited when I said “I’ll call you tomorrow.”
I won’t ever get on stage at a comedy club when people know about it.
Quite simply, I can’t defend it. Don’t want to, either.
Just want to attack a new learning curve, and a different form of observation.
I like sucking at something I love. Keeps it honest.
This is some Rosie O. haiku shit, huh.

Is anyone going? Did he or didn’t he?