It’s May 25th; What’s up?

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tv set4.jpgOkay, so I have good news and bad news. The good news is there are a lot of great shows on tonight– The Office, ER, CSI, Numb3rs, Everybody Hates Chris… the list goes on and on. But the bad news? They’re all repeats. Yep, it’s that time of year.

Outside of Fox’s 2-houir premiere of So You Think You Can Dance, threre’s really nothing new on tonight. Sure, you can watch Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle on ABC or The Hulk on Sci-Fi if you’ve never seen them before, but maybe it’d be better if you made plans and went out for a change. You know– be social.

Nah.

What are YOU watching tonight? Vote now!

While You Were Stuck on a Train

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SIZZLER: Cruise Buys Scientology Dream Home

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katie_holmes47.jpgTom Cruise has purchased land to build his dream home for his brand new perfect family. The acreage, overlooking the San Fernando Valley in California, was reportedly purchased for $10 million. The actor plans to spend an additional $25 million to build his dream house on the land. And guess who he bought the property from? The Church of Scientology. Which means Tom won’t have to go through the hassle of changing of his alien telephone number.

Best Night Ever: Wednesday, May 24th!

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It’s Best Night Ever for Wednesday, May 24th! Shea Hess is here to walk you through the best of Wednesday night tv, including Dr. Phil: Escaping Addiction, The American Idol Finale, and the Lost finale!

…Of The Day

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  • CROTCH: It’s still FireCrotch, and probably will be until another one steps up and beats it. Wait, that came out wrong. (It Speaks)
  • RUNNER-UP CROTCH: Stacy Keibler’s– however, how much of it you see depends on the publication. (Gawker)
  • MASK: Somebody showed up to Cannes in this freaky Faye Dunaway mask (right). What? That’s not actually a mask? Um… nevermind then. (Yahoo)
  • MISUNDERSTANDING: You know how everybody in America knows Stephen Colbert is only playing an over-the-top Conservative talk show host on TV? Yeah, well “everybody in America” does not include Tom DeLay, who posted a video of Colbert slamming Robert Greenwald on his Defend DeLay site today. Whoops. (Think Progress)

AI Prediction: Taylor, Clay-Mates Will Win

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20060518_hicks_mcphee_l.gifBy 10 o’clock tonight, the world will know the winner of American Idol (and by Friday probably won’t care). Nonetheless, DialIdol, the American Idol speed dialing service has already predicted that Taylor Hicks will win.

While the Soul Patrol will be sure Hicks takes home the gold tonight, but the real winners tonight are the Claymates, who will be graced with the presence of their fearless leader, Clay Aiken, who will be dueting with the contestants on tonight’s episode. But the real, real winner tonight will be Katharine McPhee who may escape this whole thing without gathering an army of obsessive, over-zealous strangely self-titled fans.

YOU DECIDE: Who Has the Hottest Firecrotch?

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I guess this was inevitable. Now that ‘firecrotch’ is the word on everyone’s lips these days, and since Paris Hilton giggled along as Brandon Davis so eloquently used the term to describe Lindsay Lohan’s nether-regions, you should be able to decide for yourselves how her own firecrotch (herpes don’t count!) matches up against Lohan’s. Vote for the hottest crotch in the comments.

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(Paris pic via Jossip)

Borat In Cannes!

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Who cares about all the boring talentless starlet clamoring to impress Brett Ratner paparazzi shots from Cannes when there are all these lovely photos of the sexiest man in Kazakhstan cavorting along the beach in the south of France. Borat’s in town to promote his self-titled big-screen debut, which has been getting mad buzz since it’s premiere screening. If it’s even half as awesome as that bathing suit, I think it could be the breakout hit of the year.

Ryan Seacrest Breaks Bad News

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seacrest.jpgTonight, Ryan Seacrest is left to perform a thankless task. On national television, in front of a massive viewing audience, he will be forced to break the news to Katharine McPhee one of the two remaining American Idol contestants that they will not be the next American Idol.

Thankfully, Ryan has a lot of experience delivering bad news.

Need proof? Just read this great McSweeney’s piece by Sarah Schmelling and you’ll see that throughout history there hasn’t been a better bearer of bad news than Seacrest. As if there was any doubt.

While You Were Teaching Your Dog Karate

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  • Paris Hilton is paid $200 grand to wave. But if you want her to do more, her price is negotiable.
  • Kirsten Dunst’s movie Marie Antoinette in bad shape atCannes. Her teeth are still in worse shape.
  • X-Tina Aguilera gets drunk. Slurs the word ‘dirty.’
  • Janet Jackson miraculously loses a 60 pounds. Must be same rigorous fitness regimen as Star Jones.
  • Kevin Federline’s days are numbered. Luckily he can’t count.
  • Sandra Bullock gets a restraining order from stalker. Goes by the name of Keanu Reeves.
  • Kevin Spacey almost quit being an actor before he got famous. Great, so now he’s never going to quit.