ICYMI: Secret LOST Memo For Season 3

by

xmaslost.jpgIf you’re like me and desperate for the summer to end and LOST to return, Something Awful has put together this hilarious “secret memo” spoof supposedly written by Damon Lindelof, the show’s head writer. Below are some excerpts from his “preliminary ideas for next season”:

  • We will have an episode where we reveal that the entire island is run by aliens and aliens are causing everything and every mystery can be solved by just saying aliens. After the inevitable backlash from the fans, we will point out that the episode aired on April 1st and the entire thing was a prank. Then, of course, one of them will notice that April is the fourth month. And 4 is one of the cursed numbers. Oh, oh, and it’s the first of April and four times one is also four. Which is one of the cursed numbers. Slamdunk.
  • I’ve been noticing a decline in the biting wit usually evident in Sawyer’s constant nicknames for the other survivors. In order to rectify this, I put together a sample list of names that are up to his usual hilarious quality:

    “fatboy”
    “long haired dude”
    “you”
    “two eyes”
    “stuck on the island guy”
    “Jack”

ICYMI: Bizzaro Axl Spazes at Rock n Rio

by

axl2.jpgWhile you were firing up the grill and drinking pabst on rooftops this holiday weekend, bizzaro Axl Rose continued his attempt to convince the world that he’s really the original Guns N Roses frontman.

When the puffy-faced Tommy Hilfiger-hitter performed Sweet Child o’ Mine in Portugal at the Rock n Rio concert on Saturday, he still didn’t seem like his old mid-90′s self. But his manager released a statement today blaming it on the fact that Axl was suffering from a muscle spasm during the performance. Hmm, wonder if that had anything to do with the woman’s corset he was wearing.

See footage of the performance here.

SIZZLER: Jen Reacts to Baby She Never Had

by

bradjen.JPGIt looks like divorcees Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt are finally making amends. Aniston reportedly reached out to Angelina Jolie and Pitt to congratulate them on the birth of their new bundle of joy messiah, Shiloh. According to Life and Style Weekly : “Jen got the news late on Saturday afternoon… After some debate with Vince, Jen decided to call Brad’s manager and give congratulations from them both.” Brad’s manager was reportedly touched, but refused to apologize for running off with Angelina.

It’s May 30th; What’s up?

by

tv set5.jpgIf you’ve turned on NBC some time in the past month (which you probably have, if for no other reason than to watch Celebrity Cooking Showdown) you know that Last Comic Standing is starting up tonight. You’ve seen Doug Benson in the commercials. You know you’re gonna watch.

Surprisingly, on top of LCS there’s a lot on tonight. Liz Phair guest stars on Pepper Dennis, Jamie Kennedy is Blowin’ Up on MTV, and Kathy Griffin offers masochists viewers a sneak peek of her upcoming show on Bravo. So what are YOU watching tonight? Vote now!

Black Eyed Peas Make A Difference

by

bep1.jpgThe Black Eyed Peas met Nelson Mandela during a stint in Africa where they launched a children’s charity and played a free concert. The band was happy they could make a difference. Frontman will.i.am told reporters that he hoped his own struggle to pursue a music career would motivate South African kids to strive for a better life. And Fergie wore a shirt that said I love ponies.

CINEMA’S GOLDEN AGE: An X-ercise In Boredom

by

x3.jpg1. Not even hacky Brett Ratner’s staggering mediocrity could scare people away from this beloved comic book franchise. Hell, he even got my ten bucks – $120 million

2. Tom Hanks could star in a silent film about narcoleptic investment bankers and you would still flock to see it. Awful haircut or not, people love Tom Hanks – $43 million

3. Didn’t anyone go outside this weekend?$35 million

4. I’ll probably just Netflix this one$8.5 million

5. “No, but this time the sinking boat is upside down. Seriously guys, it’s different!” – $7 million

While You Were on a Pilgrimage to Namibia

by

va.3.jpg

  • Gwen Stefani gave birth this weekend to Kingston James McGregor Rossdale. Unfortunately overshadowed by the New Messiah.
  • Jude Law and Sienna Miller are back together. Until he hires another nanny.
  • Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn take in a baseball game. Because that’s what good friends do.
  • Angelina and Brad give more money to Namibia. Hey, what about us?
  • Halle Berry wants a baby, not a husband. Luckily, birthing a husband is highly unlikely.
  • The good news is Russell Crowe was replaced by Heath Ledger in new Baz Luhrman movie. The bad news is he’s got more time to devote to his music.

SIZZLER: The New Messiah is Born!

by

brang.jpg Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt welcomed a daughter into the world via caesarean on Saturday and named her, Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt. Aww what a sweet name, and unlike Suri it actually means something: Shiloh Nouvel translates directly to the New Messiah. It’s too soon to know if she’s the second coming, but with her $5 million picture deal with US Weekly going straight to the children’s charity UNICEF, she may be the holiest celebrity baby on the planet. Suck it, Moses Martin.