Gwyneth Paltrow has finally admitted what the public has been thinking for years: Bitch is huge. Of course, we’re kidding. Girl could twist herself into a yoga pretzel, hang from a street vendor’s cart, sell for $1, and no one would blink a flaxen eyelash. The Shallow Hal star has told friends that since the birth of her babies, she’s developed these weird “lumps” on her body — not realizing that those things are in fact breasts, and that they’re supposed to be there. Paltrow, famous for her macrobiotic diet and killer dutch ovens, is debating getting plastic surgery to smooth the milimeter of body fat that is keeping her up at nights. But judging from these pictures recently taken at an effing modeling shoot, Paltrow looks as beautiful as ever. So either she can accept herself for who she is — a successful, willowy actress — or shut her trap, open her nostrils, and take up cocaine like the rest of us.
Look, I’ll be honest – I have no idea what’s going on with the whole Israel/Palestine/Hezbollah thing right now. I don’t really read the news unless it involves Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, Tom Cruise or David Hasselhoff, so all this violence in the Middle East is pretty confusing for me. Thank god Madonna was there to explain to us the complexities of this conflict upon the chiseled bodies of her shirtless backup dancers during a recent performance.
Jew thought Mel Mania Week was over, didn’t jew? Well jew were wrong, because the anti-Semitic fun has just begun! Besides, what would any good scandal be without at least one resulting internet mash-up? That’s why jew should check out this hilarious parody trailer for Mel Gibson’s Signs: of Anti-Semitism by Steven Santos and BWE’s own editor Marcos Levy (who’s also partly responsible for all the wars in the world).
1. The trailer alone had more funny in it than every comedy Hollywood has crapped out so far this year (except for Little Man – that was HILARIOUS!), so this isn’t particularly surprising. And people really, really love watching Will Ferrell yell and scream – $47 million
3. Man, do you guys have any idea what a person can do with eleventy bajillion dollars? Cause there are a couple dudes at Disney who would really love to know – $11 million
4. Seeing that Miami Vice had dropped three places after last week’s #1 opening, Don Johnson threw down his morning paper, punched his maid in the face, and spent the rest of the day leaving Colin Farrell nasty voice messages about what happens when you try to f*ck over Don Johnson – $9.7 million
5. This movie is almost as scary as the fact that M. Night Shamalamadingdong thinks he’s still an important filmmaker – $8.8 million
- Samuel L. Jackson‘s follow-up movie to Snakes on a Plane is called Black Snake Moan. Jackson plays a musician who cures a young nymphomaniac, played by Christina Ricci, of her addiction. While producers of BSM won’t admit to using the publicity from Jackon’s other snake movie to boost ticket sales, it’s kind of odd that the movie’s tagline is “Get my motherf***in’ snake out your motherf***in’ brain, bitch!”
- The New York Times gives a lesson in Celebrity Gay Denial 101: 1. Say you’re not. 2. Laugh it off. 3. Come out on the cover of People.
- Is Pamela Anderson already pregnant? You know her breasts are gonna be soooo jealous when the new globe growing out of her body starts getting all the attention.
- Speaking of which, is Britney Spears pregnant with a baby girl? And, if so, do they make thong underwear for fetuses?
- Patrick Swayze, clearly outraged by the sentiments of Rob Schneider, stands by his old buddy Mel Gibson and says he’s a good man. We see this for what it really is: A clever ruse to get Gibson to co-star in Road House 2.
- Mary-Kate Olsen is smiling! Looks like somebody drank the blood of orphans this weekend!
If you gathered up Spike Jonze, Charlie Kaufman, Michel Gondry, Matthew Barney, John Waters and Salvador Dali, fed them large doses of psychedelic mushrooms, strapped video equipment to each of them, and sent the entire group into a NASCAR race, you’d still never be able to capture video footage as absolutely bizarre and completely surreal as this 3-minute clip of Britney Spears casually chatting/burping about her fears and frustrations:
It’s Best Night Ever for Sunday, August 6th! Claudia is here to walk you through the best of Sunday night tv, including The Dog Whisperer, Entourage, and Flavor of Love!
So what went on during the week of BWE’s 100th episode?
- Well, we had a party and Veronica Corningstone was there.
- Kevin & Angela from The Office taught us what was SFW and NSFW.
- We celebrated our five favorite subjects from the first 100 episodes: Paris Hilton, TomKat, Lindsay Lohan, Brangelina and Britney Spears.
- We learned that James Blunt is more annoying than Heat Rash.
- OK Go released the single coolest music video EVER. And I mean EVER.
- And finally, MEL GIBSON. Ahh, Mel Gibson. From Random Facts About Jews to Rob Schneider’s reaction, this week BWE.tv broke the record for most posts about a single human being. And guess what. It was damn worth it.
Make sure to tune into Best Week Ever tonight at 11 for anything we may have missed. And if you’re one of those people who enjoy knocking back a drink or 6 during the show, play the BWE drinking game. Tonight, every time you hear a reference to the show being our 100th episode, take a drink. Mel played along during last week’s show and well… yeah, you saw how that turned out for him.
Have a great weekend!
Have we mentioned that tonight’s episode of Best Week Ever also happens to be its 100th? Also, have we mentioned that Mel Gibson got a DUI and said a bunch of stuff about hating Jews that has destroyed his credibility and possibly his career? If you missed these memos, check out this clip of BWE panelists Christian Finnegan, Sherrod Small and Jessica St. Clair rapping about Mel with Matt Lauer on the Today Show to promote tonight’s special episode, which you will tune into on Vh1 tonight at 11pm.
After making a name for herself as a rite of sexual passage for every hair metal has-been with a hit song between 1983 and 1989, Carmen Electra is using her pseudo-celebrity sex appeal for a much greater purpose: selling “the world’s first weight loss beauty pill”. So if any of you ladies have low self-esteem, feel fat and ugly, and are willing to do whatever is necessary to conform to the unrealistic expections society has placed on your appearance, there are now drugs you can buy that will magically transform you into a sultry sex object for eyeliner-wearing unemployed rockstars, just like Carmen Electra! This miracle drug is available for $49.99 a bottle, and can be found right next to Anna Nicole’s TrimSpa at any store selling useless products that don’t work. Side effects may include nausea, night terrors, mental retardation, manic depression, anorexia, bulimia, nymphomania, syphillis, herpes, loss of dignity and respect, low self-esteem, sex tape appearances, constant burning sensations, and ending up in a ridiculous marriage to some guy with lots of tattoos whose entire vocabulary consists of the words “dude”, “party” and “rock”. But you could also enjoy the same successul results of the product’s very first customer – Pamela Anderson Lee Rock!