CINEMA’S GOLDEN AGE: Silent But Deadly

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silenthill.jpgHollywood loves making crappy movies almost as much as we love watching them. Here are this week’s class favorites:

1. This movie is almost as entertaining as sitting on your buddy’s futon, eating Cheetoh’s and just watching him play video games for hours on end – $20.2 million

2. Hilarious skewering of “topical” pop culture events like Tom Cruise jumping on Oprah’s couch last year, daring and original Brokeback Mountain jokes, and 1997′s Million Dollar Baby – $17 million

3. Because watching Kiefer Sutherland run around with a gun, screaming “Noooooo!” once a week just isn’t enough – $14.7 million

4. I’m melting! I’m meeelting! Nooooooooooooo! – $12.8 million

5. They had the talking animals part right, but they forgot about the arctic temperatures – $8.1 million

Papa WOW

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aww yeaaahhhh.jpgA lot of people have an embarrassing answer when people ask them the question “What was the first concert you ever attended?” For some people it’s a humiliating early 90′s pop act like Color Me Badd, for others it’s a forgotten post-grunge act like Bush or the Gin Blossoms, and for most it’s New Kids on The Block (or even worse, NKOTB.) But as bad as some of those acts are, imagine being the kid who answers, “Well… it was this guy who used to be married to Britney SpearsKevin Federline.” Would there be anything worse? Sadly, it’s going to happen to somebody. BlogNyc has pictures from a K-Fed performance– people attended, people gave him the finger, people will now be forced to tell people that they went to a Kevin Federline show for the rest of their lives. Poor souls.

While You Were Exploring the Magical Wonders of Our New Site

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  • Charlie Sheen has been ordered to stay away from wife Denise Richards. Unfortunately, still allowed to work closely with John Cryer.
  • Leonardo DiCaprio suffered a minor leg injury while filming in Mozambique. Unfortunately, Africa’s nearest hosptial had run out of Smurf band-aids for the star.
  • Despite his recent arrests, George Michael is feeling fine and set to resume touring. Anything to keep him off the streets.
  • Paris Hilton lost her Bentley in a recent gambling game. That’s the equivelent of losing a $20 metrocard for the rest of us.
  • Pay five bucks and read Jessica Simpson’s blog, or read ours for free. We won’t try to sell you jeans. Then again, neither will she.

UPGRADE/ DOWNGRADE: Reality Stars

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Adrianne CurrySome reality alums go from small screen starlet to Hollywood VIP(UPGRADE) while others can’t get past the bouncer(DOWNGRADE). Which stars should stick around and which one’s should be escorted off the premises?

While You Were Preparing to Spend the Night Watching Reba

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  • Denise Richards accuses Charlie Sheen of threatening her and putting their kids at risk with his porn and prostitution fetish. So she’s just going to give up on what they have?
  • Tom uses a decoy to smuggle Katie and baby Suri out of the hospital. Then uses it to take over the world.
  • Lenny Kravitz is being sued over an overflowing toilet. It’s full of sh*t.
  • Page Six fires gossip scribes. But when you have a really practical skill, you can always find more work.
  • Matthew McConaughey saved a kitten. That’s the best his pr people could come up with after details of those false rape allegations?
  • Tara Reid’s nipple is back and it’s badder than ever. Seriously, it’s bad.

Who’s Having The Best Week Ever?

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Well, it happened: Suri Cruise has finally arrived. She escaped her mother’s womb and is now free to run amock and spread the word of Scientology from coast to coast. Is she having the best (first) week ever? There’s only one way to find out. Tune in to VH1 tonight at 11 and all weekend long. I’d do it if I were you. Because if not… Suri’ll GET YA! You’ve been warned.

IN CASE YOU MISSED IT: 8 Minutes of Lucky Number Slevin

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If you haven’t seen Lucky Number Slevin, the new "stylish" thriller starring Josh Hartnett and Bruce Willis, you’re probably in the majority. That’s why the Weinstien Brothers are luring an audience by giving away the first 8 minutes of the movie for free on You Tube. Now all you have to do is sneak into the theater for the last 102 minutes and you’ll save the $10.75 for RV.