Did you notice… Academy members thank dead people and Grammy winners thank Jesus?
Except for Three 6 Mafia… they thanked Jesus. You know why? ‘Cus Jesus knew how hard it is to be a pimp…. or a whore… you know, because of the whole Mary Magdalene thing… he knew how hard it is to be ANYTHING… you know what I’m sayin”’
I’ve dug myself a little hole here, haven’t I?
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU’VE JUST WITNESSED THE MOST SURREAL MOMENT IN POP CULTURE HISTORY…
You gotta hand it to Gil Cates… he put Three 6 Mafia on the stage, AND set it on fire…
AND THEN… THEY GET THE AWARD>>>>
It IS a new Generation of Oscars!!!
Paul Scheer and Michael Colton give you their Oscar party predictions. Enjoy!
Coming up after the break: Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock!
Finally, that “Speed” reunion we’ve all been waiting for! Oh wait… what’s that? Nobody’s been waiting for it? Oh, okay.
Sorry Academy, but I think you missed the boat on this one. Actually, you missed the bus. Missing the boat would be a “Speed 2: Cruise Control” reunion. Maybe next year..
That wonderful opoening montage, which made me believe that maybe I wouldn’t fall into a dull torpor around 9:30…
The great gay cowboy montage… which made me believe even more that there were hopes for this Oscar broadcast…
Those great Actress campaign ads… but frankly, by then, I’d shot my excitement wad on the amazingly shocking Geisha sweep of Costume and Art Direction! Did no one appreciate the glorious subtelty of .. uh… any of the other movies?
George Clooney’s acceptance speech… in which he riffed onhis own obituary… and I thought “OH YEAH, it’s a new generation of OScars!”"”
What an idiot… Oscars, you fooled me again!
ALL of those Musical Numbers… flames burning on the song from Crash with dancers who looked like “night of the living dead”… all of those MONTAGES… what the hell was Yitzhak Perlman doing again???
Ultimately, these Oscars are about as moving as Nicole Kidman’s forehead.
And here comes the typical “remember when movies were really great?” montage, hosted by Jake Geeyllenhalrlrll…
Hey… did you see the Natalie Portman rap on SNL last night?
PURE DAILY SHOW… Even using the voice of Stephen Colbert. You can hear Gil Cates in the background… “Hey, gimme some of that crap you do on the daily news thing … you know, what the kids tell me you’re so good at…”
You know what the difference is between supporting actress and actressâ€¦ Botox. The women in this category can all work their foreheads — they were all in the audience, worried, wrinkling their brows… Compare them to Nicole Kidmanâ€™s face â€“ which bears an amazing resemblance to the Oscar statue onstageâ€¦
Stay off the needle, ladies!!!!
The Academy proved tonight that they REALLY ARE hip and in touch. See if you notice a pattern here:
Starsky & Hutch: Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, Will Ferrell
Anchorman: Will Ferrell, Steve Carrell, Ben Stiller, Luke Wilson
Zoolander: Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, Will Ferrell
Old School: Luke Wilson, Will Ferrell
The 78th Academy Awards? It featured ALL of these guys. That leaves me with two questions:
1. If the Academy loves these guys so much, where was the Best Picture Nomination for Dodgeball?
2. Where the hell is Vince Vaughn???
Whew… now we got that out of the way…
I was having SUCH A GOOD TIME… NO ONE WAS SINGING!!! Hanks was Funny, Stiller looked kind of like we all used to look when our parents let us stay up late to watch the oscars…
Do you think that Tim Burton kind of knew he had no chance when they sat him up near the sound board???
Ohâ€¦ someoneâ€™s singingâ€¦ I LOVE Dolly Parton, but this is no â€œ9 to 5!â€ Is this REALLY the theme to â€œTransamerica?â€ Are they gonna open a new part of Dollywood now?